Playground politics advice needed

[Peacequiche]

I'm in a social group of 4 mums at my child's school. The other mums have boys and I have a girl. My daughter gets along with the boys but is mainly friends with the girls in her class. I've always found this ideal as there were never any fall outs between my child and the others to impact my own friendships with the mums.
However...
One of the mums in the group was acting strangely towards me for a while. The one I didn't gel with quite so much but is friends with one particular mum. Lots of low level rudeness, speaking over me loudly, turning away when I spoke to her, abrupt responses on the WhatsApp group. I also happen to have known her longer as we met at university but never became close friends.

When she had an issue with the group a year ago, she challenged me over it. It was about money. She was rude to me and confrontational but she never confronted the others. I told the others as it involved them but she never spoke to them about it. She said some thoughtless things about my divorce and then finally she challenged me infront of all the other mums when she took something I said (which linked to part of my profession) twisted it and made it seem like I'd insulted her child. At this point, I'd had enough and challenged her back. It was very uncomfortable viewing for the group and they remained out of it.

All three mums in the group however spoke to me/messaged privately about what had happened and were appalled at her but never said anything to her.

The group dynamics between the mums have since changed considerably however with negative impact for me. I am civil with the mum I fell out with but definitely not friends anymore, but it's also clear that the other mums have distanced from me since this happened despite showing their clear undeniable support towards me after what happened.

One of the mums I'm particularly close to has told me that the three boys are having some fallouts and that the mums are trying to put on a united front. Also, i know that one boy (the mum I fell out with) her son seems to be the popular one of the three and so the mums don't seem to want to upset/fall out with her. Nobody has said anything to me or is being rude, just very distant and I can see that their loyalties definitely aren't to me.

I've always been the planner and organiser for our group, admin of our mums chat and have always been the one to organise our childfree nights out etc so I can't distance completely without it being very obvious but this is affecting me emotionally/mentally and I don't want to come across as petty either. What should I do?

one of those mumsnet “friendship” groups where absolutely no one seems to like one another

very similar to recent nasty SEN thread

One of the mums I'm particularly close to has told me that the three boys are having some fallouts and that the mums are trying to put on a united front.

this made me giggle for some reason

how old are the children? (and the adults? 😂 )

One of the mums I'm particularly close to

but she’s distanced herself from you
and didn’t say a word when you were verbally attacked by this other woman

very odd

Although when I say that the others have distanced from me its only around her/in the whatsapp group and not on a 1:1 level.

Agree with pps, none of you appear to be friends or have a good relationship. Just let it go and surround yourself with people that actually like you?

are you all 9 years old?

Stop hanging out as a group.
Don't arrange anything unless it involves the children wanting to get together.
Don't go on "mum night outs".
Be polite and civilised when at the school gate (it's just good manners).
If friendships between you and any of the other mums carries on then that's nothing to do with the others.
You've outgrown each other as a group.

I think you just have to accept that you are all in this group primarily for the benefit of your children’s friendships rather than your own. That’s why people who think you are right will still prioritise someone they think is wrong if doing otherwise might impact their children. Don’t rely on these people for real friendship and it will bother you less.

I mean, truthfully it really is playground level politics here but I can understand why it would be upsetting to you.

The other mums don't want to get involved so they can maintain their relationship with their children's friends parents and realistically noone needs drama at the school gate. So I don't blame them for keeping out of it but checking in with you individually. It's not actually anything to do with them and they probably feel awkward and don't want to have to 'pick sides' and to be honest, I'd be making sure that I wasn't putting them in a position to feel like they needed to pick a side.

If you're the main organiser and you've stepped back from organising things/engaging with the group chat then is it possible that they seem distant because you aren't organising things for them to engage with? Noone has stepped up and taken over that responsibility.

If it were me, id plan some things and personally I'd invite the other mum who to fell out with, and tell her individually that you've clearly rubbed each other up the wrong way and you've both offended each other by accident at various points but you'd like to draw a line under it and move on and hopefully have a better relationship in future. That way either you can still maintain a civil relationship with her, or she declines and I'd take that as a go ahead to arrange things with the other mums and not invite her again.