I’m a terrible mum

[starsandbears]

I feel like a shocking mum and I feel like my baby would be better off with someone else.

I have a 2 year old and a 15 week old baby - I always knew the small age gap would be hard but for some reason this is what I wanted for them.

i love both my children I really do, but I just don’t think I love the baby as much as the toddler. He’s a beautiful baby with such a lovely smile but I just haven’t fallen in love with him the same way as I did with my first and honestly it’s hit me like I bus. I just feel so guilty on him because he is lovely and I know he deserves a nicer mum.

Neither of my pregnancies were great and I was depressed through both of them but never told anyone, I had a lot of health problems too., but when I met my first baby I fell in love soon as the midwife put him on my chest and I honestly threw myself into motherhood and even though it was hard having a newborn and being exhausted I flourished in my new life as a mum. I loved my maternity leave and was devastated going back to work.

however this time was different - when the midwife handed my second baby to me I felt a bit meh. I can’t describe it. And it floored me because I expected to fall in love all over again. I don’t have as much patience with him, he seems a lot louder and cries a lot more than my first. But when I think about it, he is a good baby. He has zero feeding problems, sleeps for 8 hours at night. He just cries when I’m putting him in the car or when I put him down to do something and I’ve not got the patience for it. Whereas with my first baby I would pull all the stops out to make him happy.

what is wrong with me??? Like I said I love my baby I really do, but why don’t I love him as much as my toddler? I find it hard that my toddler has to wait for my attention and I can’t just do what I want with him and our fun as been put to a stop of some sorts. My partner doesn’t work at the weekends so I kind of hand the baby over to him and focus on my toddler. My partner hasn’t said a word to me about it but I can tell he is thinking something.

i know how lucky I am to have two healthy children. I know that (hopefully) one day they will be the best of friends - this is what I wanted for them. I know what day it will get easier and they can play together.

I desperately want to love them equally and I feel like the worst mum in the world and I know my baby deserves a much better mum :( my heart aches for him but I can’t help how I feel

i guess what I’m looking for by posting this, is experiences of other people who’ve been in my situation once. Please no one judge me. I don’t want to feel like this but i don’t feel like I can admit how I feel to my loved ones

It sounds like you are depressed, there is nothing here for anyone to judge you for. Can you tell health visitor or gp how you are feeling

Nobody is going to judge you for this, it's really common. Your toddler is a person with a character and personality, and you have known him for much longer! And the whole "rush of love" thing when meeting a new baby is so variable, it doesn't happen every time or to every mum and it doesn't mean you're a bad mother or that you won't bond properly in the longer term.

You're probably more tired and stressed because you're parenting two children rather than one. I would have a word with your gp or HV because you may have a touch of PND - again this doesn't make you a bad mum, it's pot luck really and it's treatable.

Your baby doesn't know you're struggling with your feelings. He's well cared for and will be absolutely fine. It's you who needs a huge hug and some support, try to be a bit kinder to yourself. You're not alone in feeling like this after a second baby, and you're not a bad mum

This was me and I agree with @sprigatito its really common. You’re doing a great job c be kind to yourself.

I have 2 children and felt the way you're describing with my first baby. I remember when he was about 4 weeks old thinking actually I do like him a lot and from there it grew to love and he's just my absolute world now, I can't believe I ever felt like that. Our bond is really strong now hes 3 and he'd never know i felt like that. With my second child, the love was there from the beginning. Patenting 2 close together is so unbelievably hard!!!! I do think speaking to a health visitor/doctor would help you to see if maybe you need some support with mental health. This would be really normal and nothing to feel guilty about. In my experience though, what you're going through is normal and will change.

Depression ignores how "right" your life is. X

Please cut yourself some slack - it’s totally NORMAL not to experience the same halcyon feeling second time around; each pregnancy and labour is different and you’d have gone into your first a very different person and a lot more well rested than you would have with a second. It’s exhausting having two, especially such a small age gap. I am a MUCH poorer parent second time round because my resources are just so much less in supply than when I could devote all my energies to my oldest and get much more by way of rest. I adore my second but felt totally preoccupied by my first during pregnancy and labour and toddlers are just more demanding than newborns so of course they’ll take much more of your focus.
Two kids is just hard. I was always patient when I had just one and am much less so now. Give yourself a break. The bond will grow but it won’t be like with your first, it will be wonderfully unique to your second and you’ll have your own separate ‘thing’ together.

There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s hard going with two young ones. Also just because you feel a certain way now doesn’t mean that’s how it will always be. The bond will likely come later.

literally just posted on another post to say I totally understand this. When my first was born the love I felt was incredible but you need to remember that love grows day after day. Do you love your second born the same ? No! Of course you don’t ! Not yet, because you haven’t had that chance to get to know them, for you to love them more and more each day. The love is there and it’ll grow. Day after day