Second baby - yes or not ?!

[mabel12345]

Hi everyone. Of course I know that IT DEPENDS and this decision is only for me and my husband to make but I’m honestly sooo torn..
I have absolutely gorgeous, smart, angelic 2.5 year old daughter that we have no major problems with when it comes to…well anything. Shes everything a parent could ever want.m and she’s super caring, no doubt would make a wonderful older sister. A lot of my friends started their second pregnancies or already had a second baby. I love looking at the beautiful pictures of the siblings meeting for the first time, the newborn days and snuggles all over again - love the idea of that. But the practical side of me is like “girl, it’s forever, there is no coming back”. I am still quite young (32) but my husband is 44. We have a stable financial situation, we sometimes argue but who doesn’t. I feel like I still have a bit of a “going out” in me left and I worry after second baby our life will be ON HOLD for ages. What is she/he won’t be as easy as the first one?
I don’t know, pls just give me your opinions and examples from your lifes. Honest answers only pls :)

PS. I’m the only child so I have absolutely no idea about siblings.

I grew up with two sisters so the idea of not giving my eldest daughter a sibling was never a question for me!

We started ttc for dd2 when dd1 was 2 but after 2 mmc dd1 was 4 by the time dd2 was born, so I always advise people not to leave it too late!

I used to watch dd1 playing on her own and just felt so strongly that she was missing something.

So I would never have felt my family was complete without dd2.

That said, DH finds two a lot more hard work than one! I think it’s easier because dd1 helps entertain and keep an eye on dd2, but DH just struggles sometimes which has caused a lot of problems between me and him. I’m fairly sure it’s a problem specific to him, but just a note that although dd2 is so essential to me, it’s not without cost.

They are now 4 and 8 and although life is not back to being mine, I can see light at the end of the tunnel after the toddler years (and hopefully you wouldn’t have a Covid lockdown to complicate those).

I am one of 4 children, so the idea of being an only child is just as strange to me as having siblings must be for you! Siblings can be hard, but they are also a support system (hopefully) for life. I honestly feel a bit sorry for only children, they don't know what they are missing out on. It must be so quiet and lonely for them sometimes.

I have 3 DCs - the first two are boys, quite close in age. They are each others' best friends. They play together all the time, like the same things, entertain each other. The older one encourages the younger one to read. They also fight and argue, but that's normal.

Having two is much, much harder than just having one. But IMO it is definitely worth it.

And you are still so young! Life doesn't have to be completely on hold even when you have a baby, and (assuming you had one now) you'd only be 36 by the time they were both in school.

If you want a second, you’re gonna have one regardless of what anyone says on here or anywhere else, I was the same! 🤭
But I have now have two, 4.11yo and a 18mths and my gosh it is harder.
My eldest was easy peasy till she was 3.5 and then I had my second, and suddenly she wasn’t.
I’ve always wanted at least two, but after my second I’m never having anymore.
You have to spread yourself more thinly between them (usually at the same time), and I think my most difficult thing is feeling like I’m back at square one, potty training, sleep training, all the emotionally taxing things had to start all over again.
I imagine once you’re pasted the childhood stage you look back with a sense of pride, but my gosh the ride is rough, but worth it(?)…😅

So much to think about and consider OP.

This was our experience, DH & I were both late twenties nearly 30, when DS1 arrived.

We both agreed that we wanted two children, close in age, our two DS’ were born 21mths apart.

DS1 was a wonderful, calm, contented baby, he was really easy. So it was a total shock when DS2 did nothing but scream for the first 7mths!

Two under two, was very hard work, but in a lot of ways easier than is big gap. We stopped at two, but I think we would have considered a third baby, if we hadn’t found DS2 such hard work. It’s seems to be true that you never get two the same!

My DS’ are 22 & 20 now, and are very close brothers and best mates, I think them being complete opposites helps.

How does your DH feel about the possibility of another baby?

Good luck with whatever decision you make OP

Just for the other perspective, we have stopped at one and are very happy with our decision so far. I personally don’t want to go through pregnancy and birth again and we needed IVF plus the treatment for my endometriosis prevents pregnancy but I recognise these factors are all particular to me and many have no issues getting and staying pregnant and enjoy pregnancy and birth.

Some more universal benefits are cost, it would be so much more with two. There are a lot of family of four discounts but even with that, it’s still usually more to pay for activities, holidays, snacks, meals out, gifts, and unless you use reusable, more nappies, wipes etc of course the big one is loss of wages on maternity then the cost of childcare and then helping with uni at the other end.

We get family help and it would be harder with two, I think it would be too big an ask really so one of us would probably have to cut our hours. We have a lovely, comfortable life at the moment and I think would be much more stretched with another child. Plus we can do age appropriate activities for DD without needing to drag a child who is too young along or drag her to activities for a younger child. Today someone brought a small baby into the cinema so that they could bring their older child and the baby cried a lot, it didn’t seem fair to do that.

Also I struggle as it is with the drudgework and the idea of even more dishes to wash, clothes to wash, towels to wash, sheets to change and wash etc etc fills me with dread.

Then there’s your time, it’s much easier with one to get both me time and couple time. DD sleeps through the night now (largely, often comes into our room/bed about 4am and goes back to sleep) so we get evenings to ourselves, plus not having to get up multiple times a night. When she naps that time is ours. We take turns for lie ins at the weekend and try and get a date night once a month. With a second I think our me time and couple time would shrink too much and it’s really needed for our marriage.

Stress is high enough as it is with two full time jobs and a toddler, adding a baby or needing to referee arguments and juggle taking children to multiple activities wouldn’t work for us.

Siblings can be a benefit or a detriment and there’s no way to know until you have another. Issues like bullying, favouritism, jealousy, being overshadowed etc can occur in childhood, and in adulthood IMO many relationships between siblings are fairly distant with partners and friends being the closer support group. That doesn’t mean some sibling relationships aren’t fantastic, it just means it’s not guaranteed and so shouldn’t be the basis for the decision.

Environmentally one child is obviously better, the biggest thing you can do to impact your environmental footprint is to have one less child.

I think it just comes down to, weighing all of this up, do you and your partner want another? If so then crack on, as it is your life.

If you do stick at one, you are armed with valuable knowledge of how it was for you as an only child and if there were downsides you can try to mitigate them.

Eight years between mine.. had gynaecology problems). Two daughters.. eldest was like a mother hen.
Best friends now.. l have four sisters.. my ex husband was an only child and spoilt and self indulgent.

DD was 2.5 when DS was born but I was of a similar mindset for a while; what if the second one isn't as good as my daughter, what if I don't bond with them as much etc etc. Now he is here, I love DS every bit as much as his sister and she absolutely adores him. I'm also an only child but I think in the back of my head I always wanted two. I'm 33 and do sometimes miss the odd night out which I was just starting to get back with DD but it will come again and to be honest I'd much rather nights in now anyway. I'm glad we had DS when we did as I feel its quite a nice age gap between them and, on the flip side, we are done at 2 so I now feel our family is complete and its taken some pressure off too.

I don’t think children without siblings need you to feel sorry for them. I know what life was like growing up with a sibling and I don’t think my daughter’s life is any more lonely than mine was nor is my house that quiet with her tearing around 🤣 I mean if I said I feel sorry for children with siblings because they don’t get enough attention that would be offensive and only true in some cases so I wouldn’t say it.

Our 10yo is an only by choice. We decided not to try again for another after I had a miscarriage.

We like it because we have plenty of time for DS, ourselves and our relationship. DS is happy and confident.

I don’t like the “lonely only” stereotype. I was lonely as the second of 5. DS has close school friends. We have deliberately not moved house so that he can consistently be with the same children. And of course we have taught him to share.

I doubt that not having siblings was the reason your ex was spoilt and indulgent, that was probably to do with parenting and/ or his personality. I have met people without siblings who are not spoilt and indulgent and people with siblings who are so having siblings or not is not the determinative factor.

I loved being an only child growing up. Please don't feel you have to feel sorry for us. I remember telling my parents I never wanted them to have another baby because I was so content as an only child. I see the benefits of having a sibling (I have 2 children) but also only children can be perfectly happy too.
Yes, I don't know ow what 'I'm missing out on' by not having a sibling but equally, you don't know what you've missed out on by not being an only child. Side note; I had plenty of friends and didn't feel lonely at all growing up.

My husband would love a second one, he has 4 sisters that he’s very close with. Although he does say that he can’t see me with 2, it would push me to the edge and basically be too much…and maybe he’s right! I love “ME” time when no one is home, I’m slightly pedantic and try to be organised so chaos could trigger me into potential low mood 😬

Thank you everyone for input. It’s very interesting reading about people experiences and view.

We have one and I'm very content with our decision. Like you, I need time to myself. I find conflict and chaos really difficult. I know that I wouldn't be able to be the sort of parent I want to be if I had two. Our daughter is three now and also struggles with chaos and noise - I do think being an only child is what's best for her. I think she'd have a hard time with an extroverted sibling. She goes to nursery 4 days per week and has lots of friends there, but enjoys the quiet of our house.

Best of luck with whatever you choose :)