Helping my 6 year old manage her emotions

[Diggersandunicorns]

I have a 6 year old DD (year 2) who we’re really struggling with emotionally. She’s rude, snaps at us and flies off the handle very easily. I know there’s a lot of decompression after school happening still but I’m worried that if we don’t help her manage some
of this stuff now then the teenage years will be awful. I thought 6 was supposed to be part of the golden years! She’s also very materialistic. Always wanting more stuff and she’s obsessed with food. She can have a total meltdown trying to decide what is the best or biggest snack.

But she’s also super lovely. Doing really well at school and on track to exceed expectations at the end of the year despite being summer born. She gets picked to do lots of extra things at school and she has a great and very secure group of friends. She’s got a good relationship with her little brother (4) and with extended family. She does a few extra curricular activities but not too much.

I just don’t know how to help her lift her mood. She can really bring herself down by getting in to an irrational grump about something first thing in the morning and then carrying that resentment for the rest of the day. I’m sure she’s not like that in school, just with us. I do try and follow though on consequences but also she’s still very young. I’ll reduce the books read at bedtime, or not read at all, or not take her out to play on the road. Or not let her watch TV. She’s especially rude to my husband (her dad) and it’s starting to cause friction between us so we need a management strategy we both buy in to!

Maybe she’s just tired? I work full time but do staggered hours so I’m off with the kids after school on a Monday and Friday but the rest of the time they’re in ASC.

i don’t know. Any good, evidence based books I should read? I’ve tried the Incredible Years. I should give that another go maybe.

Maybe the food is the issue. Food can affect behaviour. What is her diet like?

@BippityBopper no, I don’t think it’s diet. She wants to eat all the time but we don’t let her. Overall her diet is good - porridge, weetabix, fruit for snack, hot school dinner and then a cooked meal at home. She doesn’t eat processed meat or anything. She’ll have a weekly cinnamon bun with my mum and a proper pudding on a Sunday after a roast. Nothing excessive. No fizzy drinks but one glass of squash a day.

I’m pretty sure it’s her character so I want to find out how to support her through it and teach her to react to things differently.

My 8 year old has been similar. For us though I think it is what we have modeled unfortunately. Both me and her gran have quite fiery tempers and don't deal quietly with being annoyed.
To help our dd we let her go to her room to calm down. Listen to music. Do breathing exercises. We have a worry jar so things don't prey on her mind. And yes, more sleep. She is noticeably worse after chocolate, less sleep or more screen time.

It might be worth looking at books for children about emotions and how to deal with them.

Talk through your emotions and how you deal with them when they’re happening. “I feel cross at the moment because…and I’m doing…to help me.”

Validate her feelings but state that the reactions are the issue. Offer her alternative ways to express herself. Punch a pillow, splash in puddles, go outside and scream, etc.

Do you offer an after school snack? Is there opportunity for downtime - watching a programme? Story time? Run around in the park?

No magic solutions from me I’m afraid, dealing with similar issues from a 5year old boy. But I would say that I never take away reading at bedtime. It’s a really important way to connect after what can be quite fractious days and means we always end the days nicely, whatever’s gone before. I think reading at bedtime should be seen as their entitlement, like brushing teeth or eating dinner, not something to be taking away, like TV time etc. It’s also sometimes when you get to hear about what’s on their mind as I find they rarely respond to direct questioning, but will sometimes offer something when the story sparks it.
Otherwise here are my not particularl innovative tips:

• I say that my ears don’t switch on unless there are decent manners, so literally just ignore everything spoken rudely or requests without please. They soon cotton on.
• Distraction. Listen to their grump or get involved in negotiating for a very brief time and if it isn’t solved, just say, I’ve given you some choices/explained why you can’t do whatever and I need to go now and do X. If you like you can join me and we’ll play I-spy.
• Be honest and upfront. Explain that when she is rude to her daddy is upsets you. You love daddy and so does she and in families we are kind. Ditto rational adult explanations for why she can’t always have something. Read the Want want twins.

and good luck! I’m sure she’s lovely underneath and will be grateful for your help in the long run.