9 week old baby - sleep advice please

[atiredmomma]

my baby doesn’t settle very well in his next to me crib and I’m wondering how to improve this
so I take him up to bed at 9pm (although he is already asleep downstairs with me earlier) he sleeps well in his next to me until around 1am and then after this feed it’s almost impossible to settle him back in his crib
I change him, feed him, burp him, rock him to sleep in my arms and then as soon as I put him in the crib he wriggles and waves his arms and legs around. I do place my hand on him when I put him down and sush him for a couple of minutes but soon as I take my hand away he’s wriggling around and waking himself up.
if I leave him to try self settle he eventually wakes up fully and cries and when I lay in bed next to him and try to soothe him he still wakes up
Then I pick him up and he falls asleep on me, put him down and he wakes up, and this just repeats for hours

DH wfh some days so takes him 6-8am so I can get a couple more hours
but DH works away 2 nights a week so it is so hard when I’m on my own
both my parents have passed away and his live 3 hours away so I do feel totally alone

I am a first time mum so I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing so any advice please, how to get him to settle back to sleep?

Sleeping bag togs relate to the temperature of the room, not what time of year it is.

I really wouldn’t recommend using a 2.5 tog sleeping bag as well as a baby grow AND a long sleeved vest if the bedroom is 20 degrees like you’ve recommended

We ended up putting the carrycot attachment of our pram inside the next to me so he felt a bit cosier.
The sleeping bag is a good suggestion too so his temp stays the same.

But in all honesty at 9 weeks I think the baby is acting completely normal, my little one hated the next to me and never took to it - we just had to learn how to roll with it (which I fully know is easier said then done, at the time I wanted to sob). It ended up being the most expensive washing basket we’ve bought. Hope you’re getting some sleep 🤍.

With my first I’d put her in a love to dream swaddle sack (she’d always break out of a regular swaddle), and rock her until she let out her ‘deep sleep sigh’ then put her down gently, bum first. It could take up to half an hour of dancing around before putting her down.

With my second, we got a secondhand snoo crib, I hold her around 5 mins till she’s sleeping then stick her in there and she stays sleeping - total game changer!

Good luck mama

You’re a first time mum so it’s perfectly normal of you to doubt yourself or think you’re not doing a great job but I assure you, you are. You’re nailing it, especially without having your parents around for guidance & husband working away 2 days a week.

While it might not help immediately to hear it, it’s perfectly normal for baby to do this. They want only your smell & warmth, just you. It might mean you need to co sleep with them for a while, but get advice from your HV about this. I co slept with both of mine, despite them a having a beautiful Snuzpod next to the bed, they didn’t really like it (although our second took to it a little more than her sister did). To them, it was a cold, white box that didn’t smell of Mummy or Daddy & they probably felt vulnerable & alone. Even though I was RIGHT there!

Figure out what works for you both, don’t fret about baby not settling on their own, if they want to be with you then let them - you won’t spoil them, they will learn to settle alone eventually. I get it’s hard as they’re literally attached to you 24/7 but I assure you, with every ounce of my being, it will get easier.

@ImNotARegularMumImACoolMum surely in winter the baby would have a 2.5 tog. I'm not going to dress baby in a 2.5 tog in spring when it's 16-20 degrees in the room.

I’ve co slept with both of mine and loved it. Our first was always a terrible sleeper she was with us until she was 3, our second is a brilliant sleeper and has slept through in his own bed from 6 months. Sleep is something that can’t be controlled unfortunately, I’ve done the same with both of mine but they are the total opposite. All you can do is do what you can to get the most amount of rest

Co sleeping is very safe when done correctly xx

@naisspray more often than not 2.5 would be used in winter, but if someone constantly has the heating on and their home is 21 degrees for example, a 2.5 tog sleepsuit as well as a long sleeved vest and a baby grow wouldn’t be appropriate

Much love to you, sleep deprivation is so tough. Speak to your health visitor and read up on the lullaby trusts advice, these are your best sources. There’s a LOT of bad and dangerous advice out there too. And know that this phase will pass, however much it feels endless just now.
My 8wk old (DC3) was the same earlier on, would only sleep if held and it’s exhausting. I bed shared for a few nights following the lullaby trust’s advice on making it as safe as possible, and that helped, gave us a bit of relief. I wonder if that’s useful for you when DH is away, and you can use his side of the bed for the baby? I didn’t want to bed share long term and we have gradually transitioned into the next to me crib. It’s positioned close to my head so I could keep a hand on him after putting him down and I would nod off myself like that.
My DC2 was also not a great sleeper. He loved the white noise, and always needed to be held for 10mins or so longer than you’d think before we could put him down.
With all 3 DC, our biggest lesson about sleep is that you have to be calm yourself, which is so hard when you’re exhausted. I use breathing techniques and do neck rolls to help calm myself when the nights are hard.

@TiredMummma

So many babies really haven't died from using sleep nests.

www.madeformums.com/baby/are-baby-sleeping-pods-and-nests-safe/

Buy a Snoo. Honestly. Also tilt the head end of any cot

Firstly it will get better. Try a hot water bottle in his cot before you put him back in (obviously remove it before you do) so it’s warm, put something in his cot that smells like you. Also try Infacol before feeds this was a game changer for my little one. Try a white noise machine. Providing he isn’t crying leave him for a little bit before you get him out, if your right next to him he may send himself back to sleep.

I have noticed if I attempt to change my baby during the night he takes forever to go back to sleep, I usually just feed and wind him and put him back down, he then sleeps the rest of the night.

Oh gosh mine have all been like this and I'm sorry to say nothing seemed to help but time. Please don't put anything else in the cot with baby...loose muslin under his head sounds so dangerous. I didn't want to, but had to resort to co sleeping with mine. They did the first stint in next to me then brought into bed and breastfed on/off rest of the night, but at least i was lying down! Co sleeping for me was temporary, gradually they woke less and less, then in own cot and own room at 6 months. My youngest is now 18 months and mostly sleeps through. I wish I could offer more of a solution. If it's any help we've always seen an improvement at around 12 weeks, so not long for you hopefully .

The heating would be on for the house to reach 21. In fact 16-20 is the desired temp... 18 degrees in winter and summer hits differently

Yes I said the heating would be on??

I’m aware 16-20 is the desired temp, but regardless of whether it’s summer or winter 18 degrees is 18 degrees, so the same tog sleeping bag would be needed.

Are there other indications that baby isn't getting enough sleep? "Day" and "night" are totally not concepts a 9 week old has! He'll still need food at regular intervals through the night, so there is no reason he should be awake or asleep at any particular time. Unless you've reason to believe he is generally getting too little sleep, it's totally normal for baby to be nocturnal at this age, and I wouldn't worry. By maybe 5-6 months he'll start being able to go much longer between feeds and changes and then he'll start picking up on day and night being different and his clock should adjust to "day" and "night" patterns, where "night" is sleeping unless he has an urgent discomfort that wakes him (thirst, nightmare, pain, dirty nappy etc) and "day" is being awake for play apart from a nap.

Please do not use a nest and/or putting a muslin cloth in the next to me! These increase the chance of SIDs a lot especially the nests. Horrible contraptions.

I would try swaddling, you can buy little swaddle blankets.from.amazon that have velcro on them to make it easier. Our little one slept loads better when swaddled.

We did have the same issue and would cuddle to sleep and then very gently place so we were still holding them but in the cot then very slowly peel our arms away. Sometimes it would work others it wouldn't.

I wouldn't worry about self soothing at 9 weeks. Unfortunately this is common, make sure they have a good winding before you put them down as well. We used to have to wind ours for over half.an hr sometimes cos she had reflux.

It says in that article "Don't let your baby sleep in a pod or nest unsupervised. That means only using them for daytime naps when your baby is with you and you can regularly monitor them"

So advice to not use them at night still stands.

As many have said OP - this is perfectly normal 9 week old behaviour. I had a non-sleeper who liked contact. We co-slept a lot after I accidentally fell asleep feeding because I was so so tired. We looked up the safe guidelines from the lullaby trust and it was a game changer.

He's now 11MO, sleeps in his cot. We still rock to sleep, but I can put him down, he'll stir, but I can then butt pat until he falls asleep (usually 5 - 10 mins). I can even put him down for daytime naps now and I thought we'd never ever get there.

It may last longer than you imagined, but no 18 year old still needs their mum cuddling to sleep. It's not forever and it will get better!

Also - I went with radical acceptance - that he would just wake up a lot and I'd have to do a lot of soothing, again this really really helped. It still does now - we've got used to longer stretches, but on the nights he's struggling, if I go into it thinking "I need to be back in bed having settled him in 30 minutes" I get grumpy easily. If I go in thinking "right, I'm accepting that I may be here fore a few hours settling him" I'm much calmer and deal with it easier, and I stick earbuds and a podcast on.

Good luck, you're not alone! There are 1000s of mums doing exactly the same thing at the exact same time.

Oh and one final thing...snacks - a pack of biscuits by the bed! Long nights are so much easier if you're not hungry! I had a hobnob every time he woke and needed resettling.

Girl, just get him in bed with you and co-sleep. It’s so lovely and natural.

Follow the safe sleep guidelines and enjoy some sleep.

(I’m now in the process of wondering at what point I should be stopping nursing to sleep but that’s tomorrow’s problem.)

We had this when temperatures dropped and I found that warming the next to me with a hot water bottle during feeding/settling helped to reduce the difference in temperature from being on me to the colder cot (obviously take the hot water bottle out before putting baby down!)

For us the purflo sleep tight baby bed saved the day.

You can find them 2nd hand on vinted if on a budget and because there's no mattress I don't think there's any risk to it being 2nd hand.

The covers are washable (we bought a 2nd set as ours spit up a lot)

It was much cosier for DS and it was like night and day once we got it. He went from literally only sleeping on us (I'd stay up until 4am then hand over to DH to hold him until 8am while I got 4hrs sleep) to him sleeping for up to 3hrs at a time in the purflo in the early days to up to 5hrs before he grew out of it.

I’d avoid adding anything loose into the crib.

I would often move my pillow down the bed so I could put my hand on DD’s tummy or stroke her head. Also white noise was great for both of mine. I got the slumber buddie elephant for DS and DD has the fisher price soothe and snuggle otter. They both liked water sounds and when they were very little the heart beat women sounds were good too.

Whilst it is very frustrating (and exhausting) when they won’t sleep/settle when not on you it’s also quite normal.