When my kids are at home and not on screens they are absolute devils!

[ItsAllGoingWrongNow]

Ok so I know I'm a shitty parent, trust me I'm feeling every inch of it today. I have 3 children, 8, 6 and 2. They are generally great with no behavioural issues, get on really well at school etc.

My issue is that they all love screens - the 8 year old in particular. I've always been quite relaxed about screens but it's crept up and up and up over time so it's now probably their main entertainment.

Whenever I try to cut down I'll impose screens off time, so I'll say mid-afternoon 'right everyone, screens off until after dinner when we are all going to watch x together on TV as a family'. They are fine and will come off without grumbling.

Unfortunately it just descends into total chaos. They will not leave me alone, and will pester me constantly, they'll fight the whole time, and wind each other up, they'll nag and nag and nag about when screens off time is going to be finished. Their behaviour is appalling after the first 5 minutes. I'll happily play games with them and read etc but they want 100% from me and I don't have that available when I have to cook and do laundry and just breathe.

Do I just ride it out? Longer time off screens? Or what. I don't know what to do. I am not trying to say they shouldn't have screens, I'm just trying to make it a part of an overall lifestyle where they also play, and draw, and run around, and read, and potter about, and learn the piano and spend hours painting airfix models and build dens. Just the normal stuff, but without my constant input and intervention.

Like I say, I know I've cocked it up. Just interested to hear from others who might have experienced similar or have views on what I should do.

Ps its mostly the 8 and 6 year old, the 2 year can potter about quite happily in her own world.

It sounds like they haven’t learned how to entertain themselves because they’ve always just had screens. If I were you I would go cold turkey. No screens at all for a few weeks.

Yep, cold turkey OP. Now is one of those ‘step up as a parent’ times, you now need to ride out weeks of irritation so they can benefit in the long term. Plan ahead. Buy board games and crafts. Then gradually ease off the ‘directed’ play.

God the absolute hell of cold turkey.

DH isn't really bothered and won't back it which makes it really tough.

They do have loads of activities and interests, classes and hobbies but everything is directed. They can't entertain themselves at home at all.

Get rid of them. Why have they got them in the first place?

Mine can be similar so I feel you OP and don’t beat yourself up. I think having really firm structure (TV for an hour in the morning, then from 5-7 or whatever you want) but otherwise be strong. Offer to set up an activity or some craft but then leave them to it. If they mither you remind them it’s not your job to entertain them. It took a few times but my two will now play for aaaaages together making dens/playing sharks/sylvanian families, they actually ‘potter’ at home for so long. I thought it wouldn’t happen and felt like you.
Also don’t get guilted- your job isn’t entertainer 24/7. Boredom breeds creativity.

Bit harsh they’re her children.

Your children have not learned to socialise, entertain themselves, and they have no idea how to deal with normal conflict which comes from being taught self-control.

Sorry, but the screens have got to go. This cannot be allowed to go on.

Cold turkey and CLEAR RULES. Ours is no screens except TV until after school Friday, unless it’s for times tables apps and the like. We also do only half an hour on Sundays, and we are generally out and about on Saturdays. Without clear rules it’s too easy to cave. Practice your broken record response.

You just need to suck it up - they will thank you in the long run.

Could you lean into them wanting to do things with you? My oldest is 3, so I’m not sure if this will work for older children, but I usually give him a job to do when he needs direction. Washing up, wiping surfaces, helping hoover… anything that makes him feel grown up and ‘useful’ tends to work for us. (You just have to redo it after 🤦‍♀️)

And plan time outside, parks, river, moors (with them) or let the kids play in the garden (if possible).

Give them a few basics, water, brushes, sticks, sheets, pegs. Show them how to build a den or make mud pies etc. then leave them to it, watching for safety. Extend the time they are outside, building slowly overtime.

You can either decide very fixed time for screens, like I say no screens til 4.30 after school while I'm making dinner and it goes off at dinner and doesn't go back on, and off at 9am then none after lunch until they've been outside for a bit at the weekend.

Otherwise I wonder if the transition would be easier in the spring when the weather's better.

You'll need to be prepared to facilitate and re-direct when they start to bicker and whine. You'll get less done til they learn to entertain themselves.

Agreed, and the consequences for not following the rules have to be dealt out every single time they break them.

I used a timer with my kids, one of the old fashioned dial ones. I would give them 30-45 minutes a day, depending on weekday or weekend. When that timer went off, the game was off, no debate. Our rule was if the kids gave any backtalk or whinging when that timer went off, they were not allowed any game time the next day. My son broke the rules once, and then he knew we meant business. You have got to take control back, op.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, OP. Some good advice on this thread but I find that some kids just have more addictive personalities than others! My 10-yr old can turn off the iPad immediately and just move on to Lego without a second thought, but the 8-yr old is contractually obliged, apparently, to make a drama out of stringing it out for 10 minutes! Best of luck.

Maybe you need a blanket rule that can be applied every day. Eg screen time is from 5-6pm when you are cooking the dinner. They come off and hand their devices to you and they get put away. If it's the same every day, always, they will stop asking about it. If they complain about boredom offer to give them a job to do, that usually makes them disappear 😂

We went cold turkey at one point for similar reasons and said they could have the screens back once they'd rediscovered how to entertain themselves without screens. Took about 2 weeks.
Now they are allowed screens for an hour on 2 days after school, and we've drawn up a list of ideas of things to do instead. They know if they complain of boredom on the non screen day then next screen time won't happen!

The other techniques in school to change behaviours…

Visual timetable - pictures of activities (garden, board game, screen time etc - (Involve the kids, they can make their own cards) Set the cards on a board to show them what's coming. A plan gives them security.

A (visual) timer - 10 mins of, 10 mins of…10 mins of and praise for completing.

‘First and next’ - first we will play outside, next you can have screen time. First we will play a board game, next you can choose ( they might choose screen time, they might choose something else) . Again timed.

A timer to show the end of something - in 5 minutes you will put your screen away.

All of this must be consistently applied until you get to where you want to be.

You could try introducing actual physical toys that the children can play with together or by themselves. So Lego/ construction type items, play mobile/ sylvanian families, board games, card games.
They probably haven't had enough time to learn how to entertain themselves with things from a toy box if they are either at adult led activities or on screens.

What other toys do they like?

Lego/duplo is great especially if they have space to leave it out, picking up their play from where they left off.
A train set, dolls house, playmobil, a mixture. Do you provide drawing materials to go with them?

A dressing up box ( a few old clothes, hats, glasses, scarves)

Giving them space and time apart. The two year old won't be safe with some of the toys that an 8 year old will want to play with.

They really need to build their learning attributes, perseverance, resilience, creative thinking, independence and curiosity.

I don't think cold turkey is the answer. Im not even sure their behaviour is anything to do with screens. Siblings fight.

Maybe try setting them up with a specific game or toy and then say now carry on with this until it's time to do X in 20 mins.

I wonder if you are trying to pause screens at a point of the day where you aren't available to help them manage their behaviour? So instead of taking the screens away at the time when you want to do laundry or cook dinner, set a specific 30-45 minute timer for playing a board game together/ doing a craft/ etc and then when that's done, go back to screens and you can get on with things. What are they doing on the screens? There's a vast difference between passive clicker games or watching youtube shorts on a tablet, vs playing a computer game and learning mouse and keyboard control and improving reading through following games instructions.

I used screens a lot when I knew my kids would be fighting otherwise. Now I am using the technique from Siblings Without Rivalry where you say ‘ok you’ve got one unicorn and there are two children who want it. How do you solve this?’ and leave them to it. Miraculous how often they start throwing around ideas. If it is WWIII I up the stakes and say I will remove the unicorn on the countdown if 10 if they haven’t solved it.

I think it’s worth trying your best to find a new pattern with your kids. I remember reading an article where someone put forward the idea ‘you are what you pay attention to’. Which makes me now a combination of all kids of facile nonsense and social media. But I do want my kids to have the opportunity to learn to focus on other things in this short period of time before they get phones (egads!), good luck and don’t beat yourself up. You’ve
got 3 kids and they youngest is 2, you’ve probably been in survival mode for years!

They've never learnt how to play. That's quite sad. I would turn it around now and sell the iPads.

Screens are addictive like drugs are to adults. The dopamine in the brain when using screen is like an adult getting a hit. Would you expect an addict to be able to manage and moderate their drug/alcohol use? No, because they can't! So when you remove the screens, they start exhibiting negative behaviour because they're experiencing withdrawal and huge highs and lows. You cannot expect children to be able to manage their use of and reaction to screens. No judgement here at all I just found this explanation so helpful (there's a documenty somewhere). I find my DDs behaviour gets better and better the longer she goes without a screen. She's getting loads better at entertaining herself and keeping busy.
Also, don't underestimate a bit of connection. I find that if I spend 10 mins reading or playing directly with my kids, completely undistracted, they will then to continue to play so I can get stuff done! Modelling the behaviour at the start and filling their cup really helps me.

set Some screen free time.
get them to plan or you can plan an activity to do at this time.
join in with them
have a timer and set a short period of time when you go off and do something and they’re not to disturb you
reward them for sticking to that
gradually increase the amount of time you leave them to it

3 hours a day????????