Is a 3 year or a 4 year age gap better?

[crikeymosess]

First born wouldn't be in school by the age of 4, as his birthday is in October so would be just under 5 when he starts school, but wouldn't want anymore of a 4 year age gap.

I worry so much about him feeling pushed out and getting very limited time 1:1 with him and our bond changing, I absolutely love my day off during the week with him and worry that I'd never have that just us 2 if there was another but on the other hand I would like to have 2 children even though I don't feel ready yet, I'm wondering if it would be best long term. He's 2 now so feel like I need to make a decision on this.

Didn't quite finish the post - basically I just want to know if 3 years or 4 years is a better age gap in other experiences, as I'm feeling like delaying ttc for another year but not sure whether a 3 year age gap would be better overall.

All I have is my personal experience of being 4 yrs older than my sister, but we are now in our 40s and are very close - always have been. I have very fond memories of playing together as kids and I didn't feel pushed out. My dad made a real effort to do things with just me, as well - hill walking, a trip to London, camping etc.

I’d say it really depends on the children and your circumstances. If you don’t feel ready for another one, there’s your answer.

I always say as close together as possible but everyone has different opinions.

I found a 4 year gap lovely for the baby stage, but now they are both older I would prefer less of a gap. They are at such different stages in life.

We have an age gap of nearly 4 years and I think the extra year makes a big difference. DC1 is much more independent, sleeping and dressing and able to play on her own, and I've had a lovely mat leave experience with DC2 doing all the baby classes and focusing completely on her during school hours. You can treat your DCs as individuals and give them your time when they are in their early years. However it did take more than 6 months to conceive DC2 so I would factor that into your planning.

I don't think I'll ever feel quite ready to be honest as I will always worry about my first and his feelings, this wouldn't change in a year but ultimately I do want to him to have a sibling! It feels like a really tough decision.

I agree with pp's - I have a 4 3/4 year gap and it was perfect as my oldest was settled and independent.

There is 4.5 years age gap between my brother and I and we have never ever got along, always at totally different stages and even as adults we have no relationship. I know personalities contribute to this too but this is what concerns me about the longer I leave it. My mum always said she'd wish she'd had us closer together!

They're not tiny for long - if you want another baby for your first to have a sibling, I would personally have them as close in age as possible. They won't remember feeling left out as babies/toddlers, but they might grow up closer if they're closer in age, there will be a point where they'll be into the same things at the same time, which is nice. Saying that, theres 10 years between my sister and I and we're very close as adults so I'm talking rubbish really aren't I! It really depends on your personal circumstances.

I don't think anyone ever feels 'ready' to have a child or at least I never do, even where it's what I want! It's like throwing a grenade into your existing family set up and I find it takes about 12 months for the dust to really settle and a new way of life to bed in!

There's pros and cons to all age gaps and of course lots of it is out of our control anyway. It took us 4 months to conceive DC2 and we've been ttc for 6 months for DC3 so far. The age gap between DC1 and DC2 is around 3.5yrs and there's pros and cons. Sometimes I think a smaller gap would have been better in some ways now they are 2 and 5, but then I have to remind myself that we had lots of benefits from the larger gap too, particularly in the first year of DC2's life.

I have 3, with 2yr 9 months between each one.. it’s lovely because you get a Chuck of time off with the older one before they start school and the younger one gets out a lot and enjoys watching until they’re old enough to join in. The closer gap will make things easier as the get older (think potential same clubs, interested in same days out in holidays etc.) especially if you are considering more than 2. There are 5.5 years between my oldest and youngest which doesn’t sound much but by the time number 3 is in year 1 first born will be heading to high school so the age gap feels huge!

I’d go 3 year gap personally. 3 is still a big enough gap for your DC to be prettt independent and able to cope with the change. I was aiming for 3 but assumed it would take a while and then it happened quickly so our gap is 2.5 years but 3 school years. DCs are now 5.5 and 3 and very close.

Im pregnant now with DC3 and the gap will be 6.5 and 4 years and I’m worried it will be too big, especially between DCs 1 and 3.

I only have one DC. My DH is one of 4, the eldest. There’s only 4.5 years between eldest and youngest and there was a miscarriage between sibling 3 and 4. They didn’t get on at all as children, DH not esp close to other siblings as adults. The 2 sisters get on but might have more to do with them both sharing a profession and living geographically close to each other. My sibling was significantly older than me. We always got on, he was my champion and role model and I was ‘my not so little, little sister’ (I’m tall, he wasn’t) of whom he was very proud. Big age gaps rule as far as I’m concerned. Small gaps do work for some people and I think 4 years sounds like a winner.

I agree with this, I’ve got 3y3 between DC1 and DC2, 3y9 between DC2 and DC3, which makes my kids now 15, 12 and 8 and I feel like we’ve just got out of a prolonged awkward stage where we couldn’t all really do/enjoy the same things.

But also, wanting your child to have a sibling should only be one aspect - you do need to want to do it all again yourself!

Well your post is pretty ridiculous assuming you can plan it. There’s pros and cons to all age gaps. If you want another, try for another.

We have a 3.5 year age gap so I'm not much help - but I was very worried about the impact me being pregnant/looking after a newborn would have on our first. She was amazing though, found the whole thing really exciting and was very helpful. She loves her little brother so much and people are always commenting how much they hug each other, are lovely to each other etc. So any cons that might have arisen, the pros massively outweighed them by her having her brother. I would lean towards 3 if I could (we tried for a while) as it can be a pain kids being at very different life stages or too many school years apart.

I have 2 children. My second was born when my eldest was 3 years 9 months. This is a bigger gap than we anticipated but it's worked out so well. My eldest is now in reception at school so I've been able to spend maternity leave really being able to settle him into school and being around for all of that as well as having time during school hours with my younger child. The baby usually has a nap once we're back from school so I can have 1-1 time with my eldest during this time. My eldest hasn't seemed at all phased by the baby's arrival and plays with him and helps to look after him by fetching a nappy or distracting him with a toy if he's upset. This may well change as they get older obviously but so far so good and I'm glad it worked out like this x

Go for the smaller gap, that would also cover you in case you struggled to conceive.
We have 2.5 years and it's perfect.
There's a world apart between most 11 and 15 or 12 and 16 year olds for example. Makes holidaying etc, the best family times, not as easy or enjoyable as they could be IMO.
Personalities play a big part too of course.

There's a 3y9m and a 7y age gap between me and my sister's and they have an 11 year age gap. We have always been close and I loved as a child that we went through life separately, especially being girls. My friends that had siblings with 2 and 3 year gaps struggled as they were going through puberty at the same time as their sisters causing a lot of conflict. Going through exams and then university together with the potential cost implications of that since the parental contribution has increased quite a lot since i went to uni.

My partner has a 3 y age gap to his brother. They have never got on as they are very different personalities types. My partner needs to be around people and his brother needs to be alone. My dad has 4 siblings with 2-21 year age gap and the only sibling he isn't in contact with is the 2 year age gap. He speaks to the 5 y age gap brother at least once a day. The gap is really not an indicator that they will get on at all!

I have a 3.5 year old and we are trying to make a decision over the next 6 months about going for a second child due to complicated health stuff to consider. We are looking therefore at a 4-5+ age gap. I never wanted 2 close together but beyond that I had no strong option. It has taken until now for my health to recover from having my daughter so a smaller age gap was never an option for us. There are pros cons to every scenario and I'm in the camp that says you make the most of the pros and cope with the cons and hope for the best. It is such a complicated and individual decision really