How can I help dd to not be scared of dh?

[Prufrock]

My dh is lovely. Really, he is. But dd (nearly 6) is afraid of him. Not normally, he's upstairs cuddling on request and watching scooby do with her atm, but whenever he tells her off she dissolves into tears. She's not putting it on or attention seeking either, she really is genuinely upset. He doesn't do an awful lot of parenting - he gets them out of the bath 3 nights in five, and is around most weekends, but as our kids are generally well behaved, and I'm the one that asks them to do stuff (at weekends he does the playing, I do the making them tidy up/come to the table etc) he very rarely has to do any discipline.

Today's incident was because she at lunchtime she leant across a guest at the table to grab the mint sauce. he said "dd, don't reach over, you should ask Catherine to pass the mint sauce" She sobbed (silently) - buried her face in her hands and hid under the table. I tried to leave him to it, and he told her to stop being silly, but eventually I had to intervene and take her off to calm her down.

She accepts taht Daddy still loves her even if she;'s cross with him, but says she gets afraid when Daddy is cross. She doesn't get afraid when I am cross (probably immune to it now ) and can't explain any further. She also gets very upset if other people that she doesn't know well tell her off - swimming/gym teachers etc, and I hate to see her reacting to her father like she does to a stranger.

What can he/we do to stop her being so sensitive?

Don't have any great suggestions but will watch this with interest as dd is also super-sensitive. You have my sympathy!

Has she always been like this?

My DD is 4 and will sometimes cry when told off but I wouldn't say she was afraid of either of us.

The only thing I can suggest is let your DH sort it out at the time, it will take him longer to calm her down, but whilst you keep doing it he won't get a chance and it will continue.

You should probably discuss ahead of time the methods you use and agree that next time it happens you will leave him to deal with it. It will take longer but he has to learn and find his own ways.

it's probably because he does less day to day that she's like this with him - he has more impact, iyswim.
I'd say that he should do more routine stuff - as much as possible. and that you shouldn't intervene no matter how upset she seems to be getting. She's not going to come to any harm no matter how upset she is.
I remember being very scared of my dad - mum i was used to, but dad was a big bloke with a scary deep voice and he wasn't THERE as much so i wasn't as used to him, plus mum always used to threaten to Tell dad if i'd been naughty, or say wait till your dad gets home, which made him seem more like a punishment if that makes any sense.
some kids just are more sensitive than others, and they just have to get used to it.
lots of love, cuddles and smiles, but some things are just tough luck for her,..oh god you're going to hate my pov!

I wouldn't say she is afraid exactly - just totally overwhelmed at he beloved Daddy telling her off. DS was exactly the same with DH up till about a year ago - he is now 6.5.

I could shout and rant and rave all i liked and he would shout back. All Daddy had to to was tell him off mildly in a quiet voice and he would dissolve. I think they are more used to us Mummies and get all the good bits of Daddy usually. When things go wrong and Daddy tells them off they just can't cope.

Off to bed now - will check back in the morning!

You said scared so I took it as the case.

buda's not the op nab!

I have the opposite. Ds doesnt seem to be able to stand it if we fall out. He couldn't care less with his dad.

He isn;t like that with other people though.

Maybe she is goig through an intense 'love' phase and just hates to be in his bad books?

Sorry, no other insights.

How is DH with it - does it upset him?

It doesn't exactly "upset" dh - that would be to suppose him capable of emotions. It kind of bewilders him - he sees it as an extreme overreaction, which it is, but doesn't see that the fact she is overreacting is a problem in itself.
Nab - I think she's always been sensitive yes - she's really quite shy and once spent 20 minutes literrally hiding in my skirt because I made her apologize to her teacher for breaking a book. It's only been in the last few months that I've noticed this being an issue, but I don't think dh ever had any reason to tell her off before that - she's an incredibly compliant child most of the time.
I just hate the idea that she feels so unsure around him that she reacts like this. I really don't want her to see him as a distant ogre, even though it is impossible for him to be overly involved on a day to day basis.

My DD does this at the mo, everytime she is told off. MIght be a age thing.

Does she react the same if it isn't in front of 'other' people?

Was it because it was DH telling her off, or was it because it was a little humiliating to be told off in front of guests?

How sharp was he? Could it possibly be the tone of voice that he uses?

It sounds to me as if it is a little bit similar to the school situation where someone in authority (who they revere) tells them off in front of other people and they are totally devastated - far, far more than if they were told off at home by mum.

A teacher isn't a stranger either - just someone who is a bit more remote and keeps you at a slight distance.

hecate and buda apologies.

I think she is one of those people who really value other people's opinion of them and who is devastated when they feel they have come short. She is comfortable with you because you must be showing that you accept her as she is even when she makes mistakes. Lots of reinforcement and reassurance as you are doing is probably the best... and gradually teach her that if SHE believes she has done her best then what others think does not have to make her upset.

Ensure he spends more time with her than you. You may be get a weekend job or make sure he gets back from work before you and he has to sort out school collections. Be out at hobbies a few nights a week.

Thanks Xenia - but some of us do actually make a positive choice not to have both parents at work. I don't need to get a weekend job for the money or the distraction, and I am out at least once a week by myself. I really don't think that my daughters sensitivity can be put down as a result of me not working.

Soapbox - you may have a point about the humiliation, though I don't think there was actaully anything wrong with the tone.

I just don't want dd to be so desperate for approval and devastated by others disapproval. It's taken 33 years and intensive therapy for me to get over that and I really don't want her to end up like me.

And we've ended up having a row about it tonight, because dh thinks I'm making a fuss about nothing and that it was just her having a huge overreaction, and I think that her having a huge overeaction is something to make a fuss about.

agree with Xenia's principle - get yourself out of the picture. Then they will have to sort it out and you cant get involved. I'm like you - i would have to intervene if i saw dd getting more and more upset and dh getting more wound up

Pru - I can understand why you are taking it seriously

I'm just not at all sure what the solution is! You could try sending the two of them off regularly at weekends together - so that they get more one on one time. Or perhaps invest in some self-esteem for children books. Or perhaps DH just needs to be aware for a few more years, that she adores him and is easily upset by him (although of all the possible solutions, that one seems hardest for both of them to live with).

I don;t think that Xenia meant that you not having a job is affecting your DD, but that if you had a job, you would be out of the house therefore your DH (and DD) would have to learn how to deal with each other. it doesn;t necessarily have to be a job, but a few people have now suggested that maybe they need some alone time to figure out what to do

quint, I know, and I agree that they need more time together. The problem is that time together tends to be time doing fun stuff (he takes her to the cinema and then out for an all you can eat chinese buffet once a month) so it doesn't help them with experiencing and dealing with conflict.
And even though dh is usually around for bath/bedtime, thinking about it we very rarely have any conflict there either. I don't want to go so far as deliberately engineering situations where he can tell her off just so she can get used to it!

We have agreed though that next time it happens I will stay out of it and he will be the one to take her out of the room and deal with her emotions. As someone said, it might take him longer, but it won't kill either of them.

Good luck Pru - it will be tough on you all but well worth it in the long run. I still find I have to bite my tongue when DD1 and DH are clashing, not yet got to that stage with DD2 - heaven help me!