It’s a party one. No invites

[Broochesandflowers]

My 8 year old hasn’t been invited to a single party since July. Although I’ve noticed that the parties have got smaller once they move into KS2, he’s still upset. He has asked for a whole class party for his Birthday in the summer as maybe then he might get invited to one. Broke my heart. He has invited the whole class to his parties for the last 3 years. I’m trying to play it down, saying that friends in Yr 3 and 4 aren’t having parties as such, but I still feel sad for him. He has a number of friendship groups that he plays with but when it comes to the parties, he’s not one of the few who gets an invite. His teacher says he’s quite popular at school etc but sometimes a bit shy.

He often gets told about the parties that he’s missed by others. Not sure what advice can be offered but if anyone has any kind words, I’d be grateful. X

How do you get in with the other parents op? I find nowadays party invites tend to go to the kids whose parents know each other well. My dd was quite popular but I never got on with the other mums so they didn't invite her.

Sorry to hear about your son x! Same happend to my DD beginning of last year (year 3) she had a group of 5 girls their was this girl with ADHD who would give looks at her and have a go at her at times and then came the girl’s birthday she invited the whole group except mine and was trying to keep quiet about it. Then a girl in her class invited everyone except her! My daughter came home crying. She has autism so if it was over that I would be fuming. Some parents have judgemental opinions on kid. It’s probably not ur son’s fault it was probably number wise.

I chat with quite a few mums from past years but not really the mums with the kids that my son plays with. Now I think about it, there is a bit of a clique.
I am sorry that others have been through this too.

This happened to DS when he went into year 3. Everyone seemed to go from all class parties to small groups of only 7 or 8 kids. He was still friends with his friends, but didn't make the cut for parties. He has ADHD, and I think he was just a bit immature and they possibly found him a bit annoying as there was a noticeable maturity difference at that time, so when they were only allowed to invite a couple of kids they wouldn't choose him. He also played football constantly, whereas his friends didn't at that time, so he only spent half the playtimes with his closest friend group and then flitted more between other groups, which I think impacted too. He caught up and was back to being invited the next year. But it was really upsetting at the time. I think I found it worse than he did, as would see all the pictures on Facebook of all his close friends minus him at a party.

I let him have a really big party that year and booked something all the kids loved, which as his birthday is in the first half of the year meant that some parents invited him back, so he at least got one or two invites. And I tried to keep really positive about it if he mentioned anything, whilst not dismissing his feelings, which was tough. I also made more of an effort with play dates and tried to encourage him to spend more time with his core group of friends, to help develop his friendships one on one. Year four was much better.

It's the age where the birthday parties do get a lot smaller. The children invited will likely be the ones who also have more of a relationship with the birthday child outside of school, so they have playdates at each other's houses or go to the playground, maybe the mums are friends too. It's difficult, I would invite some of the closer friends over to your house and start from there and also encourage him to play with a bigger range of children in school.

Invite a couple of his friends round for tea and play dates and build relationships that way. For all you know those who have parties are seeing other friends out of school so when asked for 3 names his doesn't come up.

There are some really good points here that I will certainly take on board. Thanks so much everyone Xx

My DS was very rarely invited to parties in primary school and I used to really worry about why he wasn’t being invited. But, looking back it was definitely a combination of him having only a few good friends rather than being part of a big group, and that lots of the mums at the school were friends and so the same group of kids went to all the parties (particularly as the parties got smaller). I don’t think it was intentional- they were just good friends and I didn’t particularly gel with any of them. When he went to secondary I think the fact his friendships were independent of me put him in good stead.

So I woke up this morning and read through the comments again. I think it is upsetting me more than it should and reading some posts, there are things I can do. Luckily my son has a best friend so I know those boys will get to do something together. I don’t know if others have similar experiences but once parent groups are formed, it’s tricky to become part of. I am surprised at how worried I am. It was the comment ‘if I invite the whole class, then maybe someone will invite me’ which really stung. X

To echo what others have said, I think this is the age where parties move from being large and sometimes whole class, to small group of immediate friends only. People may also be having fewer parties (due to cost or other factors).

so i would suspect he is in a situation where his close friends perhaps have later in year birthdays?

I disagree with PP that it's about inviting friends of parents. I think by this stage it's actually the opposite - children usually have clear views who they want to invite and the children that parents want and would have suggested in previous years, don't get a look in.

do you have children over for play dates or meet up with them in small groups? I would really try to disabuse your DC of the idea that inviting people to his party will get him invited back. his self worth is not linked to how many parties he goes to. Focus on building secure friendships instead.

My DD has one “party” that she is invited to each year and invites one child to her birthday treat. She’s definitely got a best friend, as well as being on the edge of the bigger groups so isn’t invited to those (and in honesty there’s others that would be more likely to be invited that haven’t been, so it isn’t an exclusion thing for us). We just make a massive deal of making the birthday treat good!

‘His self worth is not linked to how many parties he goes to’ absolutely love this!!! Totally agree and although I did try to explain this, he caught me off guard. Unfortunately, his little group have had their parties already so not got many later on from what I’m aware.

Is there a class WhatsApp? DS was invited to loads of parties last year by paper invite and I didn't know there was a class WhatsApp for this year and we missed the whole of last term's parties (and some school events) as it all goes out on WhatsApp now but the school didn't say anything despite running the groups itself. Now he's going to parties every week. Parents in this class seem to just make satellite WhatsApp groups, post the link in the class WhatsApp, and expect you to join it from there rather than inviting you directly.

Yes. There is a WhatsApp and parties were put on there in KS1 but not now (as the parties have got much smaller).

It was the comment ‘if I invite the whole class, then maybe someone will invite me’ which really stung.

Bless him. He sounds so sweet

That must have heard to hear; sending a virtual un-mn hug.

My DC is only in Year 1 and they're already doing smaller group parties. I'm pretty sociable in that I go to all the drinks and social things I can, but I work FT so I feel like I'm missing out on the school gate chats and ad hoc meet ups, plus it's almost impossible for us to to weekday play dates. And to top it off, through Reception, entirely by accident, the parents I've naturally ended up more chatty with are the parents of girls or kids DC isn't as friendly with. I'm doing my best, but I do remember the crestfallen look when he excitedly said "it's Freddie's party tomorrow" and I had to explain he wasn't invited.

Being a parent is so hard

Bear in mind he may be thinking about the number of parties but not the popularity side. I mean, ooh parties, let’s try and go to more of those. If he has a best friend I wouldn’t worry at all.

It was only woke class parties in R and y1 here.

This sounds familiar, out child seems to play with a good range of kids in school but has been in trouble a few times (or is attracted to kids who like to make trouble) so he has being invited to less and less parties each year. We don't do many play-dates and its clear you need to be in that mix to get an invite for the small parties that are now happening.

The child is pretty mellow about it, which is thankful, but I am pretty annoyed and feel like he is missing out. Plus it makes pick-up even more awkward.

My daughter is in yr3 and recently joined a new school. Her teacher saids she's well liked and is sociable with lots of ppl and has had nothing negative to say about her. Yet not one party invite. It really upsets me as I know party's have gone on as she tells me and shess I've not been invited. In her previous school she was always invited to lots of parties even smaller ones. Im worried sick about her. In not saying she has to be invited to all the parties but one or two may have been nice for her. I wonder if the problem is me? I've initiated play dates and very rarely had them reciprocated. Maybe they are are clicky.