Self settling wtf?!

[Anonymouslyconercned]

Hi ladies
i am seriously having problems with DD going down for naps in the day. Nighttime she is absolutely perfect, goes down without a fuss or fight, stays asleep and only wakes if she wants a bottle - last couple of nights has slept for 8 hour stretches etc etc.
but day times is another story honestly. She only sleeps if she’s on someone, and when you do put her down she only stays asleep for 30 mins max.
i know that I need to stop letting her sleep on me in order for her to sleep longer, but how on earth do you ger a baby to settle themselves?
everyone says to me oh put them in the crib drowsy and pat them, shush, hand on chest, they soon fall asleep. But honestly as soon as DD looses that connection of head to chest the eyes ping open and there’s no way I could settle her without picking her back up.
it’s actually got so bad that she’s getting herself soooo over tired the poor thing. I am genuinely at a loss here.
she settles herself at night so I know she knows how to do it, she just won’t implement it in the day.
I have tried just leaving her wide awake and walking out of the room but she just gets more and more awake then the legs start flapping and at that point she is just wayyyy to awake.
she is nearly 4 months and I just don’t know where I’m going wrong!!!
saw the Dr the other day and he said put her down leave her and let her cry but honestly I’m happy to admit that I’ll never let her cry it out … I just don’t have it in me.

I could never let my babies cry it out either. I don't have it in me- they are BABIES- they don't know how to manipulate they are calling for their safe space!
4 months is a tricky time as they start to be more aware of the world around them and there's a sleep regression too!
Have you tried pushing baby up and down in the house or round the block at nap time? Let them sleep in the pram?

Why do you need to stop her sleeping on you? You state that like it's some kind of weird rule? That won't guarantee she'll sleep longer. Quite the opposite. At that age, babies often only do short naps independently, but longer contact naps. So you have a choice - either embrace contact napping and the associated longer day sleep, or let her have more frequent shorter naps in her own. Night sleep is clearly fine, so I would definitely be happy with that. Particularly given the 4 month sleep regression will likely make everything go to shit shortly anyway. For what it's worth, as a mum of 2, don't spend so much time worrying about sleep and what you should or should not be doing. Your baby sounds absolutely perfect and normal

Oh, and 'drowsy but awake' is exactly the kind of bullshit nonsense you need to stop stressing over. Neither of my kids ever managed that, and they are great sleepers (well, the 6 month old is at the moment, but everything is a phase so I'm just enjoying it while it lasts)

Mine didn’t take naps on their own until there were 4/5 months. Before then they totally rejected Moses basket or pushchair and were mainly in a baby carrier for naps.

My son is 8mo and he was only ever contact napping until the last few weeks. I went back to work full time and my parents have had a nightmare with him. The only thing that has worked is putting him in his pram and rocking it backwards and forwards over and over again. Once he is asleep they move it into to bedroom and he sleeps for a good hour. It's been tough going, but they have cracked it for now. If you mention letting them cry, it will very much divide parents, but at the same time you have to do what works for you

Look up the beyond sleep training group on Facebook - loads of good advice and support about normal sleep patterns and habits for babies. It has helped hugely with mine and my expectations

@RaisingCornishWildlings the only way she does actually sleep is when I’ve gone for a walk! sometimes I’m lucky to come home and she’ll still be asleep for another hour or so, but usually as soon as the pram stops moving and she hears the house key jingle the eyes ping open lol.

@sexnotgenders im really happy with her night sleep and really proud of her for being able to go down on her own at night. It’s not that I don’t love the contact naps of course I do, the problem is that if I need to do something - which is inevitable given I am on my own 90% of the time - as soon as baby goes down she’s wide awake and then becomes over tired, hard to settle etc. Really at 4 months I should he able to put her down and shower or eat a lunch/dinner etc.
I know some people are happy to hold their babies constantly I am a to a degree but as PP said her baby now won’t settle with her parents; and the same is happening to mine - she will only settle and go down if she’s on me or with me.

@Deabomummy oh no bless you I hope it’s been okay going back to work and sorry it’s not with great with DC. Hopefully he gets used to it!
DD loves the pram being rocked too… like you say just have to do what works!

@FamilyStrifeIsHard2Bear amazing tbank you so much for this lll have a look now!

Try a baby rockit rocker - they attach to prams and keep them moving. You can normally get them second hand

@Anonymouslyconercned one Lord of advice I always give to New mums.... avoid the word "should"! Babies don't read the manual, they don't know what they "should" do and when.

Naps are different from night sleep. Lots of babies dont do the same thing for both, that's normal and fine. They can take a while to learn to sleep incot/bed fornaps.

My eldest... had one nap in her bed of 30 minutes. Ever..... she needed some noise around her or she'd always wake up. Used to settle her on a nice form sofa that that had and put Downton Abbey onquietly so there were gentle voices in the background. She hated quiet and white noise just didn't do it, she needed voices to settle. She also didn't do any long naps between 10 weeks and 14 months.... 28 minutes only. Dropped all naps shortly after her 2nd birthday.

My boys were totally different. They mostly napped in the pram until 5 months (and for my mum, napped this way until 3 years! She'd park them in the garden and they'd merrily snooze for nearly 3 hours). They would nap in their cots, but needed some help to get over the first sleep transition - I had to sneak in at 30 minutes and do some patting/shushing/put dummy back in before they fully came round or it was game over. They'd then sleep for another 2 and a half hours pretty reliably. Didn't get to stop the resetting bit till they were 10 months or so, but it only took a moment so totally worth it.

My youngest is smaller than yours. Ive not attempted to self settle and she loves to sleep in the carrier at the moment. Shes always asleep while im still doing bedtimenfor the older ones and then i just transfer her.

My point is, children are all different even within a family. Even my identical twins dontsleep the same - one wakes every night for a wee some time between 1&3. It's a pain as it means someone has to get up with him still. But his twin brother sleeps through.... which means he's still in a happy at night and I have bonidea how that will end!

Try not to worry. And contact/motion naps are totally normal and ok at this age. It's also ok not to get much done! You don't need a perfect house right now. Even if you have things working perfectly sleep often falls apart totally at around this age and youhave to start from scratch!

Relax. Getting stressed about independebt napping is not worth it.

There are absolutely no shoulds when it comes to children and parenting. Up to 5 months my daughter only contacted napped and overnight sleep I watched 12 series of Grey's anatomy! From 5 -10 months she napped on me or if I walked in the pram. I couldn't stop or slow down and she knew when we returned to our road and woke up before I even thought about getting my keys out. She did 2h though which was a good rest for her! From 10 months to dropping her nap at 3 she slept if walked in the pram and contact napped to sleep but once she was asleep I could move her off me and she stayed asleep.

My niece slept independently quite early but never ever slept for longer than 30 minutes.

Will she nor fall asleep in a rocker or bouncer

Nighttime she is absolutely perfect, goes down without a fuss or fight, stays asleep and only wakes if she wants a bottle - last couple of nights has slept for 8 hour stretches etc etc.

Honestly - this is the main thing. For the daytimes get a sling and then you can get stuff done while she contact naps.

As someone whose baby would only sleep on their chest and then woke every 45 minutes every night for months I think you are doing well tbh!

Yeah @Anonymouslyconercned as others have also told you, you really do need to stop with the 'shoulds' and reduce your expectations, or you're going to have a tough time as a parent.

"Really at 4 months I should he able to put her down and shower or eat a lunch/dinner etc.*"
*
You may want this. It's understandable and reasonable to want this. But you can't expect it or demand it from a tiny baby. And 4 months old is still so small.

You said in your first post that baby will last 30 minutes if you put her down after the start of a contact nap, so do that. That gives you half an hour to eat and/or shower. It's not great, but it's what you have at the moment and what will start as just a short 30 minute nap, will slowly get longer over time as baby learns to connect sleep cycles

Honestly you need to relax and follow your baby's lead a little bit on this I think. She's doing well overnight which is amazing! She hasn't read the manual for day naps and that's fine. My baby is 6 months and only naps in the pram. I don't care one bit, it's all just a phase.

My DS napped in crib until 10weeks ish but then only contact napped or car napped until 1yr.

I would make a cup of tea and grab some biscuits then stick the tv on and relax while he contact napped. Then eat lunch while baby is having a kick around on a playmat or something. Put baby in bouncer in bathroom while you shower.

The best piece of advice I ever got was to never do something you could feasibly do with baby (eating/cleaning/cooking/shower) when they are asleep. Only do things you can’t do when they are awake (tv, sit down, sleep yourself etc.) DS stopped napping around 2yrs so I’m glad I used nap time for rest, and about to have DS2 and nap times won’t be chill time now I’ve got a toddler. Enjoy it while you can!