Anxious to leave baby

[Lou1293]

Hi everyone

Just a bit of back story - DS is 4 months old. My husband walked out when I was 35 weeks pregnant. Currently in process of a VERY messy divorce. DS is breastfed, his dad sees him 2-3 times a week in my house for approx 45mins -1hr (his choice of time length).

I am definitely suffering with postnatal anxiety and possibly PTSD from the separation - I’m awaiting assessment for talking therapy. I have an irrational fear of SIDS, I know it’s irrational but I can’t seem to stop being very anxious about it. This is the first time I’ve suffered with anxiety.

As DS is getting older I’m conscious that his dad is going to start wanting to take him away for a few hours, gradually increasing time. This terrifies me and breaks my heart in equal measures. I didn’t sign up to be a part time mum and feel like it’s being forced upon me 😥

I’ve left him with my mum twice for about half hour but again I’m worried and wanting to rush back. I’m just looking for advice, tips how to manage this, it’s worrying me how to cope when it starts happening. I don’t want to miss out on time with my baby 😓

Breastfeed for as long as possible. And just say you arent comfortable with overnights until hes much older. He may not argue it with you anyway. I was worried about exDH and his level of access to DC... fortunately he hasn't bothered

Hello!

Firstly - sending you an awful lot of love. You are doing an incredible job and sound as if you've been dealt a really tricky hand at an already tough time of life. Motherhood is hard enough to navigate plus your separation. Please please be gentle on yourself. I think all your concerns sound really valid.

My DD is 11 weeks and the anxiety is REAL. My partner has not left but has not transitioned to parenthood very naturally at all. I am BF, do all the night wake ups, nappy changes, classes, and entertaining baby at home. To be honest he probably spends about as much time with her as your DP despite living under the same roof. He lost his temper with crying in the early days and my trust in him still needs a lot of rebuilding. I didn't expect parenthood to be this way and that's been hard. I got to breaking point this week and his mother came to give some support and similarly to you I found it incredibly difficult to contemplate leaving DD.

I am no expert but I think it will be important to build up your confidence. Maybe when he is visiting - leave the room, then go upstairs/downstairs next time if possible, then take a short walk down the road and back.
Build up the time and trust, coming back to see little one okay with ExDP care. Do this at your pace. It sounds as if the relationship ending wasn't your choice, he doesn't get to call all the shots. You are acting in the best interests of baby too whilst BF so it needs to be at your pace. Don't be afraid to seek professional support - HV, possibly perinatal mental health team, and possibly children's social services early help may be able to help you navigate all this.

Hope things get easier for you soon. Remember how well you are doing.

Sending you loads of love, you are in a really tough situation but it sounds like you are doing all the right things and seeking help.

I only left my baby a couple of times in the first year because I was so anxious but it did naturally ease up over time. My husband was also terrified of SIDS so we bought an owlet which really helped feel better at night times, they are expensive but it was worth it for us.

Wishing you all the best.