Toddler Behaviour - what’s normal?

[AlleyFox]

I’m guessing this is the type of question that gets asked all the time, but I have an 18-month old DS and he just seems so unhappy all the time.

For months now, from the moment he wakes up he’s crying and whinging, and it’s almost constant until he goes to bed. We had one blissful week (last week) when he seemed really happy. He played by himself and parenting him and my 5-month old was easy and joyous.

Cut to this week and he’s worse than ever. Crying for me, crying for his dad, crying for our dog, screaming at me if I try and make a cup of tea in the kitchen without picking him up, let alone any meals for us.

Is this just standard toddler nonsense? We have a 5-month DS too but he often gets left on his Playmat because my hands are so full with the toddler. I should add our toddler doesn’t seem particularly jealous in an obvious way. He’s very affectionate towards his little brother and is fine with me changing him, feeding him and sitting with him. The exception to this is when I’m stood up. Then he cries for me to pick him up too.

I’m worried he might be in pain somehow but he can’t communicate it to me. Is that likely?

That doesn't sound right to me. Most children of this age are pretty happy and busy most of the time.

I'd take him to be checked over by a GP. Do you give him a multivitamin?

We do give him multivitamins. But out of interest, what could it mean if we didn’t?

If it is specific to you standing up, it is unlikely to be pain. Could he be worried you are going to leave the room? Can you talk to him more to say what you are doing and reassure him. Some toddlers just doing like to play alone and want to be involved with you as much as possible.

4 kids here and no this isn’t normal. I’ve had the odd period of whineyness (once was for 4 months) and it was just developmental. Huge speech delay and he was so frustrated. He came out of it :-).
could it be any of these things:
-. eyesight / headaches
-.post viral inflammation (one of my sons gets lactose intolerant after a virus and had daily tummy pain especially on waking. Kids aren’t great at localising their pain at 18 months.
-. sorry to be patronising here but maybe try increasing both food and sleep. My third child is terrible terrible terrible when tired and sleep debt seems to get him.

Agree with parietal above to an extent. Mine do get more clingy and whiney when unwell tired or sore though.

It’s not always specific to standing up. He cries at a lot of things, but me standing up without holding him is a trigger.

I don't always give my son a multivitamin. My mam never gave us any and we are all fine 🙂

The post viral inflammation point is interesting. He’s had back to back colds since winter hit, like every child I suppose. He seems otherwise well at the moment though and he’s worse than ever.

He is getting extremely picky with food so getting him to eat enough can be challenging. He is also resisting sleep quite badly right now, yet always seems tired.

Might be a silly question, but how do I know if he has headaches? His speech is coming on, but he doesn’t understand the concept of hurt yet.

I was thinking about vitamin D maybe as you said it's been going on for months.

When my children are like this it usually means they are feeling ropey due to a cold, teething etc.

And yes, I know what PP means about them wanting to be picked up, but I agree with the other poster who said their DC get more clingy when they are poorly or tired, or when anxious because they're in a new place or a new person is present. That's my experience too at 18mo. They are properly busy at that age, they don't want to be carried around all the time unless something is wrong. He should be driving you crazy getting into everything he shouldn't be.

And no, I don't mean every child needs a vitamin to feel ok! I don't normally give them either. I just meant, it's a good thing to try if you haven't already. It's much nicer than a blood test.

So hard to figure out where/why hurts at that age. And sometimes if it’s their head they tell you it’s tummy!! Any ear pulling? Squinting? Frowning? Light or sound sensitivity??

my 3rd child was ill all the time - like yours colds layering on colds, and when he was about 3 he got a nasty virus. Covid I think - not sure. After that he had this pain in his sternum for weeks and weeks. My husband is a paeds doctor and even he was very worried. It turned out to be post viral inflammation. But boy did it make our kid a difficult little guy for some time. Poor thing.

Could be all manner of things including habitual / learned behaviour but I suspect there’s something that’s making him uncomfortable. Random - but try a huge bowl of porridge before bed (ours was like yours picky eater) helped him sleep, wake up with out a sugar crash (mood crash!) in the morning.

Has your toddler always been like this and how much sleep do they get?

i haven’t experienced this with mine tbh. You can tell when my toddler is coming down with something or is very tired as he would be looking to be picked up much more then usual and any little thing sets him off. This would be temporary and passes once he gets over the virus or catches up on his sleep.
I would expect to see an 18 month old to be constantly on the go looking for mischief.

Give him some Calpol/Nurofen and see if he cheers up, that's the best way to check if he's in pain.

Some children are just whinge bags though, just like some adults are! He's probably unsettled after the arrival of his siblings, plus the frustration of not being able to talk fluently yet, frequent colds, not enough sunshine etc. If he's fighting sleep that's probably also contributing.

Does he get lots of fresh air and exercise every day? Any screen time?

I'd you're worried contact your HV or GP.

Could it be that it’s just the back to back illnesses then?

That’s what I’m desperately hoping it is.

Sorry I'm going to go against the majority. Separation anxiety can peak at 18 months and it seems pretty normal to me.
My DS was the same. He's 21 months now and it went on for a good couple of months, DD was never like it but each child is so different.

I'd agree with PPs suggestion of trying calpol and see if you can pin it down to pain but some kids are simply more whingey than others

I'm also going to go against the grain. Our daughter has had horrendous phases like this between 12 and 24 months,m. Since she's turned 2 it seems to be settling down. I don't think what you're describing sounds anything out of the ordinary, especially for a toddler with a young sibling. He's probably experiencing all kinds of emotions and can't articulate any of it easily other than by shouting. Solidarity, it's tough but it will get better. Try to make sure you spend plenty of 1 to 1 time with him without your youngest around and work to his schedule as much as possible. Consistent nap and mealtimes so he has regular day structure and knows what coming. When you are with him 1:1 make sure you are focused on him. Try and get chores etc done when either/both are sleeping to minimise distractions when they're awake. Make sure your other half is pulling their weight in this regard too.

Not hugely likely... But does he snore?

I realise there are probably more common explanations but my eldest was miserable at this age. She had overlarge adenoids and tonsils as it happens. Symptoms were ear pain (I never realised and she couldn't communicate), difficulty settling for sleep, tiredness and some difficulty swallowing which caused ever increasing pickyness with food. In her case it became really quite severe, she had obstructive sleep apnoea that became very scary, but milder forms are quite common and I read that 10% of toddlers have it to some extent, and most grow out of it.

I can't help with the whinging, but my just turned 2yo has been a clingy beast for at least the last 9 months. She's still breastfeeding, but in full time nursery. She's unlike her big brother, who was into everything, all the time - she wants me to be sitting next to her/under her, carrying her or playing with her. She's excellent with her words (again unlike her brother) and clearly tells me to sit down on the sofa.

So the clingyness/neediness, to me, can be normal, though I admit I was surprised to have a more placid toddler after my first - I thought they were all little lunatic duracell bunnies!

What was different about the good week? Was anything different for you parents, like 1 on 1 time with toddler, activities you did, or maybe something dietary or sleep? Where are you with teeth? Or was the baby having a very placid week maybe?