DS5 is a different child when with his father

[gretie]

I have DS (only child) five days per week, he's with his dad for two nights. Usually on one of those two days he's actually with his dad's parents.

DS is always happy to go there, and particularly loves his granny.

DS has not hit me since he was probably two years old, maybe just turned three.

His dad says that he regularly hits him and hits his grandparents too (not as often). He says that he tried to be more strict but it just ends in an argument.

Today, he took him to soft play and he hit another child. I could not believe it when he told me, this is NOT even close to the type of behaviour I've ever seen DS exhibit towards other children. Ever. He was also screaming at his dad's new girlfriend and her son who is the same age.

We've had issues with bad behaviour at his dad's before, probably for the last year or two. But nothing like this.

I'm at a complete loss. When with me or my parents, we barely even notice he's there. He's easy going and wouldn't even dream of hitting us.

Does anyone have any advice?

He's telling people he's not happy.

How do you're houses differ
Are there any signs of abuse
Could you drop the time with his dad until he copes better

He might be struggling with dad’s new partner and now we extended family with her son too. He is lashing out as he cannot express his feelings. Ask him to draw why he hits and see what comes from that ?

Thank you both for responding. The drawing is a good idea.

I think it could be to do with the new partner, however it is very new and doesn't explain why this has been going on for so long. Although it has worsened recently apparently.

I think his dad is possibly more laid back? It's hard to tell, DS doesn't tell me a lot about what he gets up to when he's there. He had never not wanted to go though.

Plus, he loves his granny. Sometimes he cries for her because he misses her, so I'm not sure why he misbehaves when he's there.

He's not happy
Annoyed at the new family set up so making his behaviour already worse
Copying the girlfriends child's behaviour?
Getting bullied in school
Dads not strict enough which is hard sometimes for dads as they want to be the fun dad as they are not with their child the majority of the time
Inconsistent parenting - I'm sure you parent different to your ex and he parents different to his mum so lots going on there
Going through a phase
Sees dad as his safe space so feels safe to have tantrums and misbehave
Cry for more attention. Like you said you barely notice he's there so maybe at his dads he think he needs to misbehave to get full on attention and craves it more with him because he's not seen him for 5 days
Can an arrangement for dad to see him one day mid week just for tea or something
All of the above
None of the above

What was Dad like as a parent when you were together?

Do you know what Dad’s parenting is like now ?

If he’s a Disney Dad he might not be enforcing a reasonable bedtime, healthy meals etc
Does Dad use screens too much ?

I’d be wondering about sibling rivalry too. It must be strange seeing your parent parenting another child. Jealousy and anger are difficult emotions to discuss. He might not understand that his feelings are normal and the fact that love isn’t finite. Just because his dad has a new “child”, it doesn’t mean that Dad’s love for him is less.

Inconsistent parenting can really make kids insecure because they don’t know which version of dad he’s getting.

Is the new partner always there at contact ? He might be happier if some weekends were just him and dad?

His behaviour is as a realist of his feelings. He's little so it won't make sense, so his granny might get the bad behaviour because he knows she'll still love him despite his behaviour.

There's little logic. Just listen to the fact that he's not happy and ask him what he would like to change to make him happier

He sounds overwhelmed.

This is what he has drawn.

I'm heartbroken!

I can't get a verbal answer as to what is going on with him. He says he hits then because he is mad (his dad says it's when he doesn't get his own way).

He says that he doesn't want to go to his dad's or his grandparent's homes for a while. I don't know if this is a good idea?

He says nobody has hurt him or touched him in his private areas.

When he goes to his grandparent’s house, are dad, his girlfriend and her child there ? How long are the visits ?