Guilt for returning to work full time

[Fizzzfuf]

I returned to work part time when my baby was four months old. 3 days a week, my daughter is one now and I will be starting five days soon. I just feel so sad about it. I used to LOVE working, and I still do to an extent. But I'm so upset about the time I will miss with my baby. I will only see her for an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening for five days a week. Her care is split between my mum and MIL so I'm lucky in that regard but I can't help feeling like she is going to forget that I'm her mum.

I'm sure many other mums go through this, I couldn't expect to be part time forever especially in this climate.

Other mums who have gone through this, did your babies still have a strong bond with you, even when you only realistically see them two days a week :( .

Yes.

It gets easier as they get a bit older and settle I to their nursery routine

Also the income meant I could afford to take her out more at the weekends.

It is fine, I was just watching a video about how going out to work/,staying at home is not a reflection of 'how much you love your child" and no, babies don't forget their mum when they're in someone else's care, it is a profound bond. Best of luck with new work pattern.

I've replied to a number of these threads in the past as this is something I think a lot of mums struggle with. Just to share my perspective:

I live in France - here paid maternity leave is 16 weeks with 4 weeks to be taken prior to due date. As a result, unless you can afford to take unpaid leave, children go into a care setting or are looked after by relatives from 3 months. I am aged to tack on some leave and my daughter went full time from 9-6 at a childminder's from 4 months old. She is now 3 and goes to (compulsory) school and wraparound care.

We have an incredible bond - even the classroom assistants comment on how she's always so pleased to see me. She is very adaptable to different settings and took to school really well.

Even though she probably has spent as much if not more of her awake time with the childminder it has never been a question as to who her parents are.

So in short, in other countries extended maternity leave is not always common and children grow up with a variety of caregivers who love and care for them but babies will always recognise their parents. (And not all French children turn into psychopaths either ;-) )

Thank you so much for this perspective. My mum travels alot so really a lot of the time my MIL will be caring for her 5 days a week. I guess I wonder how she will know I am her mum when I am not her main carer my MIL is, and it breaks my heart. (Not that I am note completely grateful to my MIL for undertaking this huge responsibility) Perhaps when I send her to nursery I won't feel this way as many different people will looking after her not just one.

Thank you again for your comment! I know I'm not the only mother in the world that works full time but it's always nice to hear of other experiences :)

It is hard. But I can really set your mind at ease - even though DD was really cared from a baby by the childminder there has never been even the tiniest bit of confusion. She loves her childminder and they have a lovely bond (she's actually there today as she has a fever, I am travelling and my DH had to go to work today and lovely childminder has a space on Fridays she has always offered to us if needed). But I am her mummy and you can just tell the difference in how she is with us.

Best of luck with the return to full time. I also found that as a result of spending some time apart I also had so much more mental energy to make the most of the time we do have together. We really do make the most of it.

With empathy, millions of people do this and their children are just fine. Its a case of putting on your big girl pants and getting on with it. Don't make a big deal out of it for her, it just is what it is. I get as much done as poss when my daughter is asleep so we can have quality time together when she is awake without me trying to fit in chores. It's busy but manageable and I don't think it has remotely affected our bond. You and she will be fine :)

I returned to work full time when my son was 9 months but over four days. He has one day with mil and two or three days with my dad (depending on dp working pattern). It is a joy to see the lovely relationship he has developed with both grandparents. It’s lovely to see the love they all have. My dad and my mil are very different people. He does more active things with my dad etc due to grandparents physical abilities. Children really are adaptable. He still knows we are his parents. We have a ball.

however, it comes with a small caveat he loves my dad. My dad is his favourite person in the world. If my dad is in the room. Nobody else matters. But it doesn’t make me feel sad or less of a mum because when dad isn’t there he loves me and his dad with the same fierceness.

It will be absolutely fine.

DS is 2.5 and with his lovely childminder full time, term time.

He is the biggest mummy's boy going. When DH collects him (most evenings), DS's first question is "home to mummy"

I try to make the most of the time we do have and I'm lucky to have the school holiday with him (and ds1).

As she gets older you'll have more time each day as she won't be in bed as early. Make the best of the time you have - quick teas or batch cook rather than spending all the time cooking etc. make the weekends count etc.

You'll always be her mum and she'll never not see you as that

I’ve been lucky enough to be a stay at home mum and have also experienced a time where I had to work full time when my daughter was young so can see both perspectives. My eldest is now a teen so have quite a few years of observations behind me. What I have seen is that when children have a close bond with their mum it doesn’t seem to matter whether that mum has worked full time or not at all, what seems to drive this closeness is that the mum is emotionally available to their child when they are together. This is harder when you are working full time, as making every free hour outside work about being wholly present with your child doesn’t then leave much time for your own personal downtime/self care, but it can be done.

Children can be in Foster care with loving carers for years and years and would still go and live with their neglectful mum if given half a chance. The bond runs deeper than who does the day care.

Try not to feel guilty, you are teaching your daughter to keep her career and independence when she is older. It's so hard, and its always mum guilt, never dad guilt!

I went back to work 3 days when my DS was 3 months and then 4 days when he was 6 months. I was in similar position to you, in that I didn’t need to pay for childcare, he was with my mother 3 days and MIL one day. The days were long, with me leaving house at 8am and back at 6ish, so he had all 3 meals away from me and was often bathed and ready for bed by time I came home. He is now 12 and we still have a great bond (as great as can be with moody tween! 🤣), the extra income has also meant lots of holidays, days out and fantastic memories made. I have flexed my hours as he and my DD grew, to fit in after school activities etc, always sticking to the 80% FT but some longer days, some shorter days so I haven’t missed too much IMO. Kids have an amazing bond with GP but it hasn’t stopped them forming a bond with parents. Hope this helps you feel better.

Tell that guilt to go away. I returned full time at 4 months. My kids were fine and they always knew who their mum was. They are older now but when they are ill or worried I am still the one they come to

It’s quality not quantity which creates the greatest bond. I went back to work full time when DT’s were six months old - they are now in their early 20’s and amazing!

You are providing financially for your child, which is obviously important.
As she gets older, your child will see a good role model of a hard-working parent.
You will preserve something of your own life and identity, and a recognition that you are more than a parent, which is vital for your own well-being.
Seems like a win-win, tbh.

I have a very strong bond with my children and have always worked full time (outside of maternity leave). It does feel hard when they’re so small but it’s honestly fine.

I returned to work 4 days a week after my 1st was 3 months old, and after 4 months for the 2nd (but then only because he was a month early and I’d pre-planned my RTW date). Some weeks I work 60 hours and with my first, I travelled away a lot. Mostly because I was self employed and needed to ensure I retained my contracts, but also partly out of choice. I would be a terrible SATM. I also spend several hours a weekend running, doing chores, errands, etc, without the kids. I encourage them to be independent and hope that I’m fostering a good work ethic in them, since they will see that it is rewarded with the lifestyle we live. My boys have been in nursery (no family available, but I think nursery is good for their social development anyway) and whilst they have great relationships with their carers, there is absolutely no doubt that I am their mum. The bond is instinctive, not created by time served. I am the person they come to if they are sick, injured, scared, upset, etc. Don’t worry, your child will love you unconditionally and you are setting a good example for them.

It will be fine. That's great you'll get two hours on weekdays. You get every weekend. Bank holidays, annual leave and if you want more look into parental leave. She will absolutely still think you are her main carer and your bond will be fine. I went back full-time when DD1 was 7 months. I'm part-time now DD2 is a toddler but I don't think our bond is better than mine with DD1. DD1 thrived in full-time childcare and our weekends were great fun.

I went back to work full time when DD (9) was 7mo and when DS (6) was 1. I have a brilliant strong bond with both of them. My mum also worked when I was young and we have a brilliant relationship too.
I think somehow the move from PT to FT is harder than what I did, going from mat leave back to FT, because you know what you’re losing with the experience of the last few months. But I suspect you couldn’t just carry on, and you need to work more hours to keep having lovely experiences together and indeed to provide safe, warm home etc.
I also found as my kids consumed less of my energy (night waking, carrying around etc), I regained energy for work and other things and it’s been important to me to maintain a sense of my non-mum identity and fulfilment. Hopefully you too refind your enjoyment at work with time.
Lots of luck to you.

Could you consider doing 4 days?
Perhaps doing a little extra on the 4 days (extra half hour say) then dropping the remaining 4 hours, could that work financially?

Or a 9 day fortnight?

You’ll be fine and your daughter will be fine it’s as simple as that. Count yourself lucky you don’t have to pay childcare costs!

Thank you for all the comments everyone. I am feeling a lot better after reading everyone's experiences. It is heartbreaking dropping her off but I've been making the most of the morning and evening with her :)

I read this and instantly thought “what a brilliant Mum”. Your little one will not forget you’re their mum, they will instantly feel overjoyed and overwhelmed with love every time they see you! Plus I find that babies are more bonded to those they go to bed with and wake up with!

It’s nice to see this kind of post as I have a sister in law who quite frankly couldn’t give 2 sh*ts about her 9 month old and was so desperate to go back to full time work!

I feel for you, but you always be mother. As someone else has said, if you are always emotionally available, it will be fine.

Good luck.

My children are mid / late teens now and I have always worked. It’s has paid dividends in n the last few years as they have both had difficult teen years and I have built up enough seniority to get the flexibility they need. I’ve often thought that it is an odd thing that we focus so much in spending time with DCs when they are really little but actually the more challenging years, when they really can need you a lot.