Mumsnet I need your help..

[Melanie679]

My OH doesn't like my dad. He says he needs to work all weekend this weekend, so I was thinking of inviting my dad to stay over for one night this weekend to help me with our 2 baby girls (1 & 3). My OH is saying that my dad visiting and staying 1 night / month is too much (He stayed 4 nights over xmas). My little girls love seeing him, he's really good with them,and plays with them loads making it easier for me to look after them both on my own. I've lost perspective on whether it's reasonable for him to not let my dad come to visit and stay over a night (as he lives quite far away). I own half the house, pay half the mortgage and do the majority of the housekeeping and childcare as well (80%+). What do you all think? Is it fair for him to say he doesn't want my dad to visit? Am I being unreasonable to want some help and to see my dad?

How often do his parents visit ? Does your mum visit once a month too? That could mean seeing a parent or IL every weekend.
If he’s going to be working then it sounds like the perfect weekend for a visit because your h has the perfect excuse to minimise the time spent with your dad and you’ll have company.

I’m assuming that the reason that he doesn’t like your dad isn’t serious btw.

Thanks BoohooWoohoo, no my mom lives in Spain so we never see her really - maybe once or twice a year if that. We moved house 6 months ago to a place with a spare room. My dad has been 2 nights in October and a 3 nights over xmas, so this would be the third time in 6 months. Is that too much? No there's no serious reason OH doesn't like my dad, they clash on some things but TBH OH doesn't really like anyone too much, he's kind of a lone wolf. My dad is a nice person.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. If your husband is stating that he won't help you all weekend then what does he expect you to do? Is he even going to be around to see your dad? Surely he can suck it up to make things easier for you and more enjoyable for the kids.

YANBU. Your DF sounds lovely. Why doesn't your DH like him?

@catsnore Normally he just stays in bed when I get up with the children on the weekend, sleeps for a bit, comes down for a bit to get some food and then lays in bed with the laptop all day while I give them breakfast, take them out, make them lunch, take them out again etc. Sometimes DH helps with tea time for the girls but then I bath them, sleep them, clear up the house then make us dinner. Then he comes downstairs and goes on the phone to his mom for an hour or two after the girls are asleep. He would see my dad though I guess so yes.

@CadyEastman thank you. They just clash a bit but my DH says he really dislikes some things like for eg my DF is what I think normal affectionate with my girls - will put his arm round them sitting on the sofa, will give them a kiss goodnight etc and DH says he doesn't like that. I think it's totally normal - reminds me of being a kid with him and my brother doing the same.

Is this DH you're talking about, sleeping in and lounging in bed on laptop while you do everything with the kids? If so, wtf?? So he basically has zero contribution to parenthood yet denys you having your DF there?? I'd be showing him the door if it were my in that position

yes @Mrssnee16 - that's pretty much what happens when my DH says he needs to work all weekend. In fairness he has a demanding employer and it seems like he's working when he's in bed all day, but I do think either he's incredibly slow at doing things, or he's not being completely truthful about working hard all day. For example he has a job interview next week (for a promotion in the same company) so this weekend he told me he needs to work all day Saturday and Sunday to prepare for the interview. Which seems like way over-indexing to me, but he gets aggressive if I challenge him on how it could possibly take 2 whole days straight to get ready for a job interview. He does help sometimes at the weekend, but never completely takes the girls so I can have a rest, and never offers to cut me some slack. I often have to fight him to take them for an hour or two so I can shower for example. Basically I have to be really sick before he steps in and takes care of them on his own. I look after our girls on my own pretty much 2 weekends out of 3 for the last 3 or 4 months. Is this really unusual for most parenting couples for one parent to do by far the most parenting? I also have a good job by the way. I earn a bit more than my OH but I can work from home some days, so he thinks my job isn't so serious / challenging.

If he is getting defensive when you question him then I would think he has something to hide, but that's just how my brain works. You work aswell, so why should pretty much all of the childcare fall onto you, and I'm my experience, no job is more demanding that children. 1 parent taking on more of a home role if more understandable if the parent doing it doesn't have a full time job, like my household, my DH works full time and I'm a stay home parent, by choice as we have a neurodivergent toddler. So I do take care of the kids more and do more of the housework, but when both parents work then there's no excuse really to not be helping you x

Just to clarify, my DH works full time 5 days out of 7 however on those 2 days I get his full support and help with 4 children and the house. He has no excuses OP. He needs to be doing a hell of a lot more to help you x

So, you’re basically a single parent.

No, it does not take a whole weekend to prepare for a job interview/internal promotion.

He’s a lazy git and does not want to be a parent or pull his weight re. family time childcare or household chores.

What’s the point of him?

It's your house as much as his so invite your DH. Why should he have the final say?

Divorce him and move closer to your Dad. You'll have more help with your children who will grow up experiencing normal family affection and interaction instead of a father who expects the woman in the relationship to do all the parenting plus work etc. He disrespects you, what you do for your family, your job, your income and having your lovely father around makes him look bad. Move on, you deserve better. Find a guy like your Dad. I did and its bloody marvellous.

LT controlling B

Also, to put things into perspective for you OP:
I’ve worked since I was 14. I currently work PT, contribute financially and manage the household. I’m the main carer for our youngest two school aged DC and do majority of the school runs. DH owns two businesses, is the main earner, does some school runs and helps to ferry our DC around re. their extra curricular activities.

I think you need to re-calculate the 80% you’re contributing to your joint outgoings, especially as your OH does diddly squat with the kids and around the house.

I also WFH most days in a highly pressured and stressful role.

It’s your home too. If your Dad is helpful, respectful and good with his GC/your DC, your OH will have to suck it up.
It sounds as though your Dad is showing your OH up and highlighting even more so what a lazy arse he is.

What on earth are you doing with this man? Your husband is horrible.

Yes, it really is unusual for one parent to do most of the parenting. Often one parent ends up doing more, esp more of the mental load, but no way near to the extent of your situation.

My partner works compressed hours Tue-Fri. I'm on maternity leave with our second. Partner gets home from work, joins in with kids playing/bathing/sitting with them if they're watching TV. He does toddlers bedtime every night. Sometime puts baby to sleep first. After toddler is asleep, he does the washing up and cleans the highchairs, sets up robot vacuum and then sits down go chill.

Weekends, we both look after kids equally. Tho, he is on his phone WAY more than me, which is annoying. But he's in the same room. He takes the toddler out to park etc.

A peak behind the curtains of someone else's house....

At the weekend my partner takes my daughter until 10 so I can sleep - I'm up in the night and on sedating medication so I need more sleep. We parent together for an hour or so then I look after our daughter whilst he spends the afternoon doing DIY or cleaning. We parent together from 4 until she goes to bed at 7.30. we split the bedtimes but at the moment he does more as she is becoming overly reliant on me doing bed time.

We don't split jobs 50:50 but we both have jobs that are ours - mine are the washing and the shopping. My partner does more of the day to day cleaning and cooking. I do the deep cleans. everything else is done by the person that comes across it first.

We do a mix of child care. My daughter was off nursery last week, I took 2 half days off, my mum covered the other halves of those days and my partner did the other day. 95% of the drop offs are me as my partner has to be at work before the nursery is open but he does 1 or 2 of the 4 pick ups every week. He does every Thursday so I can do a pilates class. I take her whenever there's a rugby match on the TV that he wants to enjoy watching. It's give and take. It's not always equal by it often it's fair.

Would you say you are getting a fair deal?

It sounds like your partner thinks he can dip in and out of being a parent at his whim.