I had the hardest time with my eldest. He was so sweet in so many ways but he was so difficult. He had these absolute rages, he’d rip his hair out, headbutt things, he’d scratch, pinch and kick and bite us. He’d scream and have these epic tantrums that would just leave me a completely broken woman. I knew what he needed was love and support but got beaten down for being a ‘gentle parent’ told that he just needed a ‘good hiding’, that he had no discipline in his life. I caved to the pressure at times and would shout, would try and discipline and be harsh and each time resulted in worse circumstances than the time before. It severed my relationship entirely with my husbands family who insisted I simply wasn’t parenting my child and that he had not been bought up well. I have responded with firm, clear boundaries and love and understanding. Helping him through his emotions rather than punishing him for them. Sharp clear boundaries that violence will not be tolerated but never depriving him of love or connection. Just one year ago I posted a thread on here that I had totally failed, that maybe he was nasty and violent and aggressive and a child that had been totally failed by his mum. I didn’t know what to do. Some lovely poster said that a bad mum wouldn’t even be online asking this question. I can honestly say that I’m here today with a child that is just incredible. He is sweet, caring, smart, funny, creative, kind, generous and so much more, he wasn’t evil and failed, he was three. He was a very difficult three year old and had such big feelings and really struggled to process them but he wasn’t awful, he was three. Now at 4.5 he is just the softest soul and you’d never think any of it had happened. He is so emotionally intelligent and can communicate his feelings so well, he is so empathetic and can see when other people around him are sad and will try and cheer them up, he has a baby sibling now and when he cries will hold his hand and talk to him about ‘big feelings’ and it’s just every little thing that I was told I was doing wrong has done the opposite.
Not a brag or whatever at all I am not a perfect parent and I’ve gotten a lot of things wrong along the way but if anyone is in the trenches with quite extreme behaviour I just wanted to share some hope.