Parents with different upbringings: how does it work?

[squiddly]

I'm new so sorry if this has been covered loads of times.

DP and I are TTC and I've started to worry about (amongst a zillion other things) how we'll be as parents when our upbringings are so different. My parents are hippy-ish social worker types, not religious and quite permissive - to the extent that my dad bought me a big bag of weed on my 17th birthday! DP's parents are much more conservative, church-going and strict. There are parts of that I really like (his parents are not remotely flaky and are completely dependable, unlike mine), but I worry that we're going to have completely different ideas about what we'll let our kids do and whether that will cause us really big problems! I wonder if anyone has a similar situation and how they've coped with it. I'm sure communication is key, but 'd be interested to hear what other people think.

I am sure there are things that really annoyed you about the way you were brought up. Maybe you will be able to find some middle ground! I definately think there will be a lot of compromise. As long as you are both consistent and back each other up you will be OK.

youll meet in the middle and pick bits from both.thats what my dh and i did/do.

Ooh yeah, Nat1H, there are loads of things I would do differently from my parents (the weed thing being a good example). I suppose I'm being a bit premature in worrying about it really. Just wondered if people had found differences of opinion causing problems and if they'd found good ways of getting round it.

i think all parents differ about parenting, there always seem to be good cop bad cop going on. I tend to be the bad cop and DP the good cop just now - i wouldn't say our backgrounds were starkly different. The thing is, you and your DP love each other enough to TTC, so your different upbringings still took you to a place where you met and fell in love with each other, so you cannot be too different really i suppose. Also, a bit of ying and yang is always good, different approaches to problems could be a good thing as well, im tired and not making much sense

Yup difference of upbringing deffo causes probs. it's good to talk out as many things as you can beforehand, but with the proviso that either of you is allowed to change your mind with experience! Also some things will always ambush you (usually at the worst possible moment).

I think the most important thing of all is to ensure that both of you have proper chunks of time looking after the little one, so that you both know what it's really like.

It sounds as if things might get tougher for you as a couple when you reach the teenage years... which is after all a long way away...

Have a look at the MN topic list - the sort of things that cause h*llish fights on here are:

1. How do you deal with behaviour you don't like, at different ages? Read out a few thread titles in the Behaviour and Parenting boards to your dh - how does he react? Have a look at the threads - what's the MN consensus? Does it surprise you?

1. What kind of family holiday might you think about having? What would you enjoy about it, and what would feel very unpleasant? Could you afford the kind of holiday you would like, as a family, in the school holidays? If not, what sort of cheaper options might you prefer?

1. How important to you and your dh is a tidy, clean house? How would you or he feel if the house is a tip a lot of the time?

1. Who's going to look after the child??

1. Religion - is your dh likely to want your child to be baptised? to be a regular churchgoer? to go to Sunday School?

My ds is only 4 so I don't have many thoughts on the teenage side...

I don't think you have to deal with all these questions at once. God knows none of us have.

We've struggled a little bit, but most of the time we manage to rub along without it affecting things too badly. DH had a very strict, 'old school Jamaican' upbringing, very religious, he was physically disciplined and had an extremely strict father who had the kids 'working' around the house and in the garden and running errands from a very young age. I was brought up by a single mum, very permissive socialist politico type, our flat was a bit of a tip and my mum thought it was more important to play us classical music and take us to festivals than drum discipline into us. The main thing Dh and I differed on was smacking. I was adamant we would never smack our children - DH believes smacking is an acceptable form of punishment, Funny thing is, since our son actually came along, DH never smacks him and is a gentle, patient father. I am a bit screechy and shouty and have occasionally smacked his bum. Funny how becoming a parent (especially as they get older) can completely turn your values on their head!

Wow, thanks for your replies - this is all really useful and interesting. I'm off to scour the talk topics... feels better to have some concrete stuff to talk to DP about rather than indefinable worries. Even if it all our discussions and decisions change when/if we do actually have a child!

Christmas will probably be a time when all the differences come to light! You just end up making your own traditions and decisions.

I think it's really good to have different backgrounds like you describe, it will give you a much broader outlook as parents.

Christmas will probably be a time when all the differences come to light! You just end up making your own traditions and decisions.

I think it's really good to have different backgrounds like you describe, it will give you a much broader outlook as parents.

I agree with MrsMattle - you sometimes behave totally different to how you were brought up! DH's father was a total shit but DH is wonderful with our DC. I was brought up wonderfully but struggle sometimes! You never know, he may be passing a spliff to them whilst you are in confession!

That's good advice for me to remember, cat64, since it's more likely to be my parents interfering. And at the spliff passing, helenelisabeth!

It can work out find. The most important thing is to respect each other, and to be willing to give credit to those parts of your DP's upbringing that he is happy with, even if they seem unfamiliar to you.
We've done a fair bit of this, as we come from different cultures, have different religious views and have been brought up very differently (my parents- teetotal, very focused on education and hard work, his parents- very relaxed, quite heavy drinkers but very social). I think what's worked for us is recognising that we both think of our families as loveable and that in consequence more than one method must work.

We've taken a bit of both - don't drink as much as his parents, but a little more than mine. More effort put into preparing real meals than in his family, but a little more relaxed about other things. And all the time we've made a real effort to see the good things about each other's background, and to mention those to the children.