My kids don't like each other

[OpalCitrine3]

My kids do not get on. I have DD 6.5 and DS 3.5. I know that's still really young but it's been like this for so long, DD ignored DS for the first year of his life and since then it's just been constant bickering and physical fights! DD is definitely the main instigator, I catch her needling at him and then he starts whining and hitting. I come down hard on this behaviour but nothing changes. They have their own spaces, all my annual leave is spent towards spending extra time with them, they both get one on one time with me.
I also try to encourage them with joint games and activities, it always ends with either arguments or DD ignoring DS trying to engage with her.
They are angels when they are on their own. Thats not just me saying that, school/nursery/strangers on the street have all complimented them on how mannerly they are but put them together and after 5 mins they are like a pair of alley cats 😭. They play beautifully with friends, cousins, complete strangers at softplay, but each other? Nah!
DH and I would love a third DC, we have the time, resources and emotional capacity but this one (albeit big!) issue has just totally tabled that. Does anyone else have this? I grew up as one of 6 and while of course we fought on occasion, there was the buffer of other siblings and it wasn't nearly so intense.

I have no words of advice, but that must be really tough for you.

Have you tried just leaving them to it and only stepping in if they’re actually going to get hurt. My eldest picks on my youngest but I’ve found alot of it is about getting my attention. Often I just scoop youngest up and take him somewhere else to play. Eldest follows and I’ll say “are you ready to play nicely, then you can join in.”

Kids not getting on is not as uncommon as people might think. Just because they're related doesn't mean they're going to like each other. It can (and often does) continue into their adulthood.

I think this is very common OP. Similar age gap between my sister & I & we fought constantly. We are close as adults but I know anecdotally that’s less common with opp sex siblings. No idea what having a 3rd would do to the dynamic, you often get one out of the three that is more left out. It’s a tricky one, must be very wearing.

Neither do mine. But 3 years is also a large age gap which doesn't help.

God knows why you would contemplate putting a third into the scenario! You'll just then have both of them moaning that you only care about the baby. Get a dog instead - might be good for both of them too!

FWIW i've never got on with my brother, and still don't as an adult. Can't remember the last time I even saw him tbh.

@RedPinkPeach Sometimes I do when they are just yelling but it tends to eacalate and eacalate. When it gets physical I have to step in as DD is bigger and has hurt him before which is of course completely unacceptable.

@brightyellowflower I'm absolutely not, as I've said, we tabled that idea. I have a dog, she's a sweetheart.

I can imagine a third helping - but also making it worse. You’d never really know until you tried.

Actually they are very competitive about the dog too when I think about it, arguing over who she loves more. Feel like such a shit mum honestly. Hard to come to terms with the fact that they might never get along, it's hard to come to terms with the reality in your family when you would have hoped for more for your kids. Sorry I know that sounds indulgent, I'm just a bit worn down.

I used to despair that each of my children would gladly have fed any or all of the others to a passing crocodile, although they got on fine with their stepsiblings and peers. The situation improved as they got older and the girls, all of whom hated all of the others as children, are good friends as adults.

I can't promise that having another child will help. Having DD2 didn't make DD1 any more accepting of her younger brother.

It sounds wearing OP.

Sounds like hard work. Personality clash maybe. On the plus side they are well behaved everywhere else and that is a major plus!! Looking at my wider extended family....in one family the two older ones don't get along at all but the third is a uniting factor and they both get along with him and he brings them all together (now adults but did as children too).

I think you should give them both a time out and explain nobody wants to be around fighting . As another said you can’t referee or give any attention, just remove yourself and they will learn from negative enforcement

It's doesn't get any easier.

13 and 10 year old - they argue most days. It's draining. Today, 13 year old son said he wasn't away with his grandparents (he was excited earlier in the day) all because 10 year old daughter breathed in his direction and wanted the window seat.

I had another after which was a girl and she's 5 - 10 year old argues with her ALL the time. Don't do it. I second getting a dog.

OP here. 10 months on from my original post and there is some improvement. No more physical fighting. They even play together at times although they still bicker more often than not and prefer to spend time with others. They are chalk and cheese really. I am beginning to accept the fact that they may never be the best of friends, and that that will be ok. DD is on a waitlist to be assessed for ADHD which to me goes some way to explain how she interacts with DS.

We never put having a third back on the cards but I am ok with that too and focusing on taking joy in what I have. Thanks all for the support and shared wisdom x