Anxious mum, three year old and "friendships". Talk me down please!

[doggyadvicepls]

Hi all.

I'm looking for some helpful advice regarding my three year old and forming friendships.

I will preface by saying that I'm currently suffering with post natal anxiety, have been socially anxious on and off throughout my life due partly to bullying I experienced at school. So I don't think I see things clearly, hence asking for advice here.

My three year old has been at preschool for 6 months. She was nervous and emotional at the beginning but seems to have settled well. However, recently there's been a few times that she's said to me that "x didn't want to play with me" or "y took my hairclip" and has been quite tearful. I've also noticed that on play dates with children of a similar age she tends to be left out. She is a sweet and gentle soul, but also shy and very sensitive.

I know that the things I've mentioned above are just normal things that happen amongst kids when they play, but
I'm so worried she will end up with no friends or bullied like me that I think I overreact and possibly make the situation worse than it needs to be.

What I would LOVE is some words to say to her or advice about how to react when she tells me these things, as well as any advice I can give to her about how to handle conflict with her peers?

Sorry, that was a bit rambling.

In summary:
How can I best help my three year old to be confident in forming friendships, and how can I help her to be resilient when other children upset her?

You can't save your child from all pain in life. She will experience rejection.

Nurseries usually have a way of helping children get on, eg my kids' old nursery called all children 'friends' - that was just how they referred to each other. They practised what to do if someone was mean, helped them express if something hurt their feelings or had a home corner with cushions etc if they wanted to hide away a bit or have quiet time.

Some kids have a close-knit set of friends, others are happier to float about and join in here or there - you can't force it.

Bullying still happens but in my experience schools are way, way more on it than they used to be and there's much less tolerance of it.

You could maybe have some counselling or read some books on bullying to make sense of your own experience.

I think a range of experiences in different places so play sessions or playgrounds etc where it's a slightly different set of kids helps to build up children's confidence.

You should also note that if she's tearful when she comes home, she might have just been storing up that 5 minutes of sadness to share somewhere safe. 99% of the day might have been delighted play but she kept the hurtful bit to share with you. It doesn't mean she doesn't have fun most of the time.

You can talk through what she could do next time - say 'can I have my hairclip back' or look around to find someone else to play with, etc. You being teary-eyed about it all won't help.

The other thing is - you can ask questions in a non-judgmental way 'oh right, what happened next' or 'what was happening before that', 'do you ever not want to play with someone' - you might find she's nicking hair clips and rejecting playmates too!

In short, you're casting her as a victim from the get-go and projecting your experience onto her. It might not be that one-sided. Nursery will have a strategy. Building up her confidence through a range of environments and activities is probably the best way to address it.

I completely get you @doggyadvicepls my DS is 2.5 and really quite sensitive to being left out or feeling rejected. I’m trying not to get all up in my head worrying about him making friends etc! And for context I’ve always made friends pretty easily, so I don’t think you are necessarily projecting your own experiences into him.

No advice really just a hand hold.

Such good advice, thank you. You are so right, (and it made me laugh to think about it) that she may well be doing the same to others!

I think I am definitely projecting.

@Seagrassbasket thank you. It's hard to watch them go through it but I guess all a necessary part of developing social skills!

My DH didn't enjoy school much - not from bullying exactly, just found it anxiety making and not much fun. He had a lot of the issues you feel around nursery and school. So what you said hit a note with me.

But you know what - your daughter isn't you, and you can't insulate her from anything unpleasant ever happening. But you do know how to advocate for her, build her confidence up, and you have a major asset in that you're aware of this stuff and take it seriously, and so do educational professionals these days.

Back in the past (80s-90s for me, don't know how old you are) bullying wouldn't be taken seriously unless it was fairly extreme and extended, involved hitting etc. Schools are much more on it with the emotional impact now and step in sooner, are proactive in teaching about it etc.

Ultimately you also need to communicate to your daughter that you're there for her and will listen to her, but also that you think she can handle it.

You know those parents who hover around climbing frames and slides in case their DC slips - they're communicating that they think DC can't do it by themselves. They're generating that anxiety. They probably actually wouldn't catch the child if they fell. They're just hovering (OK it's reasonable for very small children, but you see what I mean!) This is the same kind of thing.

You have to say 'yep! you'll be fine' but be there with cuddles and reassurance if she finds things hard.