Crying/clinginess at school drop off

[westvalleystreet]

Eldest son is nearly 6 and in year 1 at school. He went to reception at the same school.

He is still 50/50 at drop off whether he'll cry or fuss.

Is this normal?

He got to 100% fine for the last term of reception, then we had 9 weeks off for summer. Drop off for year 1 is in a different place so he was pretty clingy for the whole of September. Got better before Christmas then we had 3 weeks off for Christmas holidays. Now we're at 50/50.

I'm thinking a reward chart for no fussing in the morning?

He says he misses me and doesn't like saying goodbye. His behaviour at school is perfectly fine so no worries there.

Any advice please?

My youngest dc is in year 3 and we still get days like this, and I see so many other kids doing it too. it's completely normal!

If it’s only some of the time I’d say normal.

Ok thank you - that is reassuring.

I worry he'll be seen as a wet blanket by his friends or something (I'm a worrier)?

I always say something like 'I'll miss you too and can't wait until I come to get you'.

I don't know what else I can do to make him feel secure, I try and give him enough attention at home etc.

Have a look at the sotry "the invisible string" about the connection you have with people when they're not with you.

We have similar issues with DD (also Yr 1) and her teacher recommended this.

Great, I've ordered.

Does your DD do this everyday or?

I wouldn't do a reward chart over something emotional like this. I'd try to support him, he is very little.

It's just the hump of goodbye and he recognises that. So I'd acknowledge that's hard for him, express that you know he's brave and can handle hard things, and see if there is anything that will help. Part of learning emotional regulation is having many many experiences where they go through the hard feeling/emotion, experience that and then that they are ok afterwards. Learning that hard feelings are survivable is important, not pushing them down and pretending they aren't there.

For example

Speak to the teacher and see if any other children struggle with this change in drop offs and what they do. For example they might be able to go in with a TA, or another child assigned a job to look after them, or be offered a job to do (maybe even looking after another child, or the class bear who feels a bit worried with all the noise when everyone comes in) first thing in the morning. The teacher might also be able to tell you if they have noticed anything else.

Do you walk to school, can you try to walk with someone else local so the DC can go in together?

Offer some kind of transitional object, such as a small item he can keep in a pocket to secretly touch and comfort him when he's not at home. Or you can also use imaginary objects here. There's a book about an invisible string iirc which talks about how people we love are connected to us and the string can stretch and stretch as far as you like but never breaks. My eldest also used to like it when I gave him some "spare kisses" to put in his pocket in case he had a hard moment of his day. We'd have our normal hug and kiss and then I'd blow 4-5 kisses which he'd pretend to catch and put in his pocket.

Social stories can be very helpful. This is a technique developed for autistic children but they can benefit any child finding a situation daunting. It's basically a short book using drawings or even better photos to show the process of something that they can sort of "walk through it" on their own to practice. Include pictures of the child and include any common scenarios like "Sometimes David feels sad when it's time to say goodbye. But when he gets into his classroom and sees his teacher and his friends, he feels ok." And if there's anything he can do eg he can talk to the teacher if he's worried about anything during the day.

If he tends to be fine once he's in the classroom, a technique that reminds him the sad hump is just a hump and he can get over it can help. For example, if he can count well, try getting him to count how many steps it is until he feels better, and tell you at the end of the day. You might find that he starts off with "today I was sad for thirty steps" and then it changes to "today it was only 25 steps!" If he's having a bad day, it might be "today I didn't even feel better for a hundred steps" and you could sympathise and say ugh I know, I hate days like that, sometimes I have a hundred step day too.

Former nanny here.

Have a quiet word with his teacher ahead of time. Could they assign him a special 'morning role' to make him feel important and re-focus his attention away from his anxiety on especially clingy days.

Chief lunchbox organiser? Helping another child less able? Pen pot monitor? Book sorter?

Good luck. It's upsetting for us as adults seeing them distressed, isn't it?

I think I have a knee jerk negative reaction to schools, so this might be overkill, but my daughter also started getting clingy before school, which became school avoidance and now in her teens it has become anxiety. In retrospect her school was a very miserable place and I wish I had trusted my gut at the time

"My eldest also used to like it when I gave him some "spare kisses" to put in his pocket in case he had a hard moment of his day. We'd have our normal hug and kiss and then I'd blow 4-5 kisses which he'd pretend to catch and put in his pocket."@BertieBotts

Adorable and clever idea.

I think sometimes this sort of behaviour can become a habit - they almost feel it's expected or part of the routine or a way of showing mum/dad how much they love them.

Personally I feel that those little ideas like taking an item actually make it worse, because as with many child related things the bigger deal adults make out of it the bigger deal it becomes, similar to monster under the bed related dramas. I think the most sensible approach is to talk openly with the child about it and explain it isn’t a nice way to start the day and I do think Year One is old enough to appreciate there is a negative impact on everyone when this happens (once any concerns re bullying and so on have been eliminated of course.)

And lots of praise for happy starts too!

I always say something like 'I'll miss you too and can't wait until I come to get you'.

I'd slightly tweak this, and find a neutral/calm time to explain that sometimes we find it hard to say goodbye but not give the impression that you sit around all day missing him. I'd try to say something like - it's hard to say goodbye to someone when you'll be apart from them for a long time. As you get bigger, this gets easier. I miss you when you're at school, but it doesn't make me sad. I'm too busy to be sad, (list some things, preferably very boring sounding things btw, that you do while he's at school). When we see granny who lives far away, I feel sad when it's time to go. Maybe you do as well? That's the same thing. But I don't feel sad about granny right now. I'm happy because (list reasons to be happy, maybe including an upcoming visit to see her). Tell him a story about when you were little and found it hard to leave your mum at school, but that as you got bigger, it got easier, and you don't feel sad saying goodbye for a school day any more. But you still feel sad saying goodbye after eg a holiday. That's normal and everyone feels sad sometimes. The important thing is that we know we will feel happy again and that the people we love still love us even though they are far away. The point of this being to acknowledge that the moment of separating is hard but it doesn't last, and that this gets easier the older you get. Of course, 5 to being an adult is a long time, but 5 year olds are very very aware of the fact they are getting bigger every day and very proud of this, so telling him that it will be easier for him when he's bigger will probably give him confidence in the fact that he will also get bigger and find it easier. Miraculously at 5 they often seem to latch onto this suggestion so vividly that it manifests in a matter of weeks, and they proudly tell you "it's easy for me now, because I'm bigger"

Then after having this longer convo you can reference it at drop off saying I know love, it's hard to say goodbye. Remember it's just the goodbye that's hard, and I know you'll be ok and this will get easier. I love you even when we miss each other, and I'll see you at home time.

Thanks - I like this. I think I do something similar so I'll have another lighthearted chat with him.

I don't want to make it into a big issue, especially as he's fine after the actual goodbye

@westvalleystreet , for us it's part of a wider issue with missing mummy. The CM and dad both get a lungfull on occasion. Tiredness and feeling unwell makes it worse, as you'd expect, but just being business-like and dropping and going to seems to help.

I've also tried using a kid's ink stamp to stamp her wrist and kissing it, so she knows she has an extra kiss from mummy if she needs it in the day. Not sure how helpful it is but it makes me feel better than I'm doing something.

@westvalleystreet that book is on CCTV bedtime stories now, being read by armed services parents, if you want to watch it whilst waiting for the book.

Oh no missed it! Was out trying on jeans 🔫

I'm so worried he hasn't got a 'secure attachment'. I don't know what I could have done differently in his earlier years!

I think he may just be a very sensitive child, which is not something I want to change, I just want him happy to leave me, secure in the knowledge that I always come back!

@westvalleystreet , sorry, that's my fault. I meant that it's available on iPlayer, not that it was on TV at that moment. it was first shown just before Christmas, so no guilt about buying jeans. 😉

We have a sensitive sole too, so I completely get this. the crying is a sign of a secure attachment to you. He'll build confidence slowly over time at school. Keep in touch with the teacher. Is there anything he can do on days when he doesn't cry - collect lunch wrist bands or the register etc.

@westvalleystreet
Here you are:

It doesn't sound like he has an insecure attachment. Some children are more sensitive than others, and take more time with milestones like this. That's no bad thing, we need more sensitive boys and men in the world 🙂

Hi op. Just to let you know my 5.7 year old is the same. He doesn't kick and scream but the look of anxiety on his face is heartbreaking. He's fine all morning until it's time to queue up and go inside. I'm not sure what to do, or if to do anything? When I pick him up he's completely fine and the teacher says he's had a good day. To be honest I was exactly the same as a child so I'm thinking it's perfectly normal but still sad to see when it's your baby

The spare kisses thing might be the most adorable idea I've ever heard of!