My daughter wishes that I am dead

[rainbowvanilla]

My daughter 7 year old has been saying that she wishes I am dead on two occasions. First when I asked her to finish her homework and another time when I asked her to finish her breakfast quickly for school.

It's okay for her to get angry with me. But I am very much sad and upset that she wishes me dead. I feel that I am failure as a mum. I spent much time thinking about her and doing things for her. I am feeling much sad and tearful now.

Though I tried to stay calm I couldn't and got angry at her.

Is this normal behaviour for a 7 year old ? At that age my parents were everything for me and even on my wildest dream I don't want any harm to them. Is there something I should improve as a parent ?

Her grand parents passed away so she understands what dying means. She misses them often

She doesn’t understand what it means to wish you were dead. She’s seen it as a negative reaction to something and has applied it to something she’s annoyed about.

No not normal. Does she have unsupervised access to the internet / tv?

@PossumintheHouse I wish that's the case.

But since she lost her grandparents she understands what's dying is. She says that she wishes that they are still with us.

i am totally lost why she wants me to die

@ArnieLinson not supervised all the time. But she sits in the living room and watches the TV. She watches kids YouTube channels which is not much regulated unlike netflix or prime shows.

Please try not to dwell on this.

She may have been through the death of her grandparents but she is 7 - it doesn't mean that she fully understands what death means. It probably does mean she has thought about it but her understanding won't be that of an adult.

A good idea I was given here once was to go into the fantasy with them - say 'oh goodness, yes, imagine if you were living on your own! You could do whatever you liked. Wouldn't that be amazing. What would you do tonight if I wasn't here? What would you choose?' And talk about it a bit. Then say 'well, I'm still here and I'm afraid you do need to do your homework. Let's do [one of the things she's said she wanted to do] at the weekend, that sounds like fun.'

To be honest I’d be tempted to shrug it off and even maybe laugh about it and say “really? Just because I asked you to xxxxyzz? That’s a bit dramatic”! I wouldn’t be giving it much headspace personally. Kids come out with all sorts of stuff at that sort of age .

She doesn't want you to die. She just didn't want to do her homework or be nagged. She was very rude and unkind and it's appropriate to give consequences and explain how hurtful saying that is if she says it again. It's not necessary to get into a spiral about why she thinks that way because she doesn't really.

I don’t think she wants you to die at all. I think she just has moments of feeling angry or frustrated and lashes out. And she’s managed to hit a nerve. I’m not saying it’s good behaviour, but I wouldn’t take it to heart.

My five-year-old sometimes reacts very badly to being told “no” and hurls various angry remarks at me, including calling me stupid or mean, telling me I don’t deserve to exist or telling me she’ll never love me again. Yet an hour later, she’ll be following me around, “because I miss you” or wanting a hug.

She doesn't want you dead, OP. She's learned this is a powerful thing to say to you and it's her way of expressing her feelings about the situation. Most definitely tell her it's not okay to say this sort of thing, but think about what is behind the words rather than the words themselves. She may have picked this up at school or elsewhere. She doesn't actually want you dead.

my brother at that age would cry 'You have ruined my WHOLE LIFE' because he was told he couldn't have an ice-cream or whatever.

ignore it and she will stop

No, she doesn't, I promise. She feels very strongly that she does not want to do the thing you've asked and is reacting with the most hurtful thing she can think of.

I am wished dead at least twice a month. At first it used to upset me but now I just tell her how hurtful that is (while I fantasise about eternal peace...).

How do you react? Is she looking for that?

Yes, this.
She probably doesn't mean it, just wants to get your attention

She doesn't actually mean it!
My child has A LOT of outbursts and as part of those outbursts she says a lot of horrible things about me. If I let myself believe she meant all those things I'd have nothing left!

Like people have said you can discuss and give consequences etc etc but if this is the only thing she's done I wouldn't be worrying.

You're going to get all sorts of horrible things hurled at you from time to time, you need to toughen up and realise kids don't actually understand the implications of what they are saying. They just hear stuff and repeat it. You are the grown up here, you can't go round moping because your 7 year old said something hurtful. You roll your eyes and say 'who would tell you bedtime stories then?'

But since she lost her grandparents she understands what's dying is. She says that she wishes that they are still with us.

She doesn’t wish you were dead.

Did Granny give her treats and let her enjoy herself? Maybe in that moment of being nagged to do homework she wishes Granny was there instead of having to do something she doesn’t want to do. Perhaps you could find a way to make homework more fun - a sticker chart maybe? Monthly magazine if she does it?
Have you talked through how she’s missing her grandparents?

It's so important not to react even if it hits you hard as getting attention from it will only encourage her that she has found your weak spot. Just ignore it as if what she said is no big deal. And don't back down on what you are asking her to do. She is just being dramatic . Kids can say l hate you etc because they can't express how they feel in proper words so try and let it over your head. Not easy but believe me she doesn't mean it literally.

Just shrug it off, my 4yr old told me she’s be better off without a mother the other day in response to a telling off. I just went “oh really, should I go then?” And she went “no”, then I gave her a cuddle and told her I love her and made sure she understood why she got told off. Kids say stuff, they don’t mean it.

She doesn't understand what it means. She's 7.

Just ignore it. Or say cheerfully 'sorry, I'm still feeling fine, and your homework still needs doing.' 🙂

Don't take this to heart! My DC (10 and 8) frequently say absolutely hideous stuff to me and DH when they're angry/anxious/tired. It's really normal. I've recommended this resource before (and I promise I'm not in any way linked to it!), but it's so excellent on parenting and I wish it had been around when my DC were younger. She did an instagram post a while ago, saying that she often responds to comments like 'I hate you' by saying to DC 'I LOVE you'. I've tried this with DS (8) and, remarkably, it works. Much better than either getting upset or telling them it's a mean thing to say, etc. https://www.goodinside.com

So, e.g., DC says something like 'I hate you, I wish you would die', I say 'I love you so much, you dying is the worst thing I can imagine'. Or DC says 'I'm going to kill you', I say 'I love you, I would never let you do that'. Essentially often when they say 'I hate you', they mean 'I'm worried you hate me' or 'I hate myself'. Or if they say 'I wish you were dead' what they really mean is 'I'm worried one day you will die'.

So it makes sense that your DC is saying this stuff to you. If GPs died recently, it has probably triggered the realisation that one day you too will die, and that's really terrifying to her.

Thanks very much for the reassurance 🤗

It’s hurtful but kids say shitty things. But I would re iterate how it makes you feel when she says it and also that it’s not nice - how would she feel if you said that to her ? Ask her see what she says. Maybe she’s doing it for a reaction because she knows she will get one