At breaking point with 3 Yr old - please help!

[Pupupaway]

DS 3 (almost 4) is our middle child, always been a little boisterous and loud but he also has a very sweet, kind nature so we put the other side down to normal 3 year old behaviour.
These past 6 weeks his behaviour has got completely out of control and I'm on the verge of tears daily. I adore him with every part of my being but find myself dreading going to bed as I know the next Morning it starts all over again. It's a lot to put down into words but I've listed below some examples of his behaviour, I just don't know where to turn.. GP appointment? Health visitors? Please, please help a broken Mama

• Potty trained for a Year, this last fortnight has started having 4/5 accidents a day (1&2's).

• Screeches and yells out for me continuously if I leave the room, no exaggeration when I say screeches and cries, will start pounding on the door even if I pop to the toilet.

• Refusal to do anything himself, huge hysterical meltdown if we ask him to brush teeth / put shoes on.

• Lashing out and hitting siblings and dogs.

• Breaking toys

• Throwing food and plates at mealtimes.

• Scared of any kind of dark, needs big light on in any room instead of soft lamps.

• Scared of rain, wind, cold weather.

• Does not want DH to help him with anything, including things like bedtime story. Will scream at the top of his voice "Mummy do it!" Over and over and over again.

Just to add, he goes to pre-school 3 days a week and grandparents have him for a day once a Month. Apart from the toilet accidents, he has never, ever shown any of these behaviours then - it's only at Home, with DH and I.

Bump 🤞

Maybe because at home you are his safe space. Where he can let out all his frustrations?? I would be asking your doctor for some help and advice too x good luck x

@shellyleppard That's exactly what friends have said - Home is his safe place. But how on earth do I deal with this? Yesterday he kicked me so hard in the nose I thought it was broken, then a second later he's cuddling up to me and asking to play. We are trying SO very hard and nothing seems to be working

GP to rule out UTI/worms.

How old his your youngest?

I meant GP to rule out uti/constipation but also consider worms.

I have a 3yo and some of this sounds very familiar and I think a lot of it is probably normal, albeit not all 3yos will display these behaviours. The clinginess for sure is very similar to what we've been going through recently. Is there something he's been unsettled by? Perhaps going back to nursery after the Christmas holidays? I find the behaviour really exacerbates when our toddler is tired.

@Snowdropsarecoming UTI/ Worms?
18 months, very low maintenance Toddler - DS doesn't really pay any attention to her at all.

Is it possible he has a UTI?

When my DD becomes "clingy" (for want of a better word) like this, I lean in to it. Do lots of love bombing, cuddles, one-on-one play, feed her. This usually helps ease it with her.

Has he had any big changes recently? He sounds quite disregulated and like he's having a hard time

Sorry things are so difficult atm, I know the feeling and do really sympathise

GP to rule out ear infection/the urinary virus that makes the sphincter spasm/any other random thing

how is his sleep, do you need to add a nap back

has he been watching any scary tv recently

any big family changes recently

has anything scary been happening at nursery

try to get him to draw what happens when Mum leaves the room and he is on his own (and then ask him to tell you about the bits of the picture) or another moment when he becomes wild

have you tried stickers for good behaviour, one for every hour, so small increments

take a deep breath, and hang in there, its probably a phase

@chocopuffs That's exactly why I don't know what to do, I know a lot of it is normal behaviour but DH and I have discussed this evening - at what point is it not 'normal' if that makes sense. No major life changes, he's happy at preschool - it took us trying 4 different ones to find the right preschool for Him. It was a long process to get him settled!

That sounds very hard. That level and type of behaviour would be making think what’s going on for him. He’s communicating a lot of distress / anxiety. Has anything traumatic happened to him? Or could anything have happened?

It could be he has some additional needs. So you could start by talking to GP or HV if you have a good one.

My children do have additional needs and I recognise some of the behaviours. My advice would be to maximise your self care as much as you can so you can stay as calm as you can and then give him a lot of support/ reassurance for the anxiety type behaviours eg a nightlight or whatever for the bedroom, acknowledgment of his fear of rain etc and do what you can to help him feel safe. The throwing, lashing out I would remove him to a safe space and stay with him till he’s calm. Label his feelings etc. only discuss the behaviour when he’s calm.

It sounds so tough though OP and so hard with 3 kids. Good luck.

@SeaToSki He still Naps every single day, for hours, and if there's ever a day he doesn't - honestly I can't put into words what his behaviour is like. No scary programmes or anything, can't get him to sit still long enough to watch TV for a minute. I like the idea of him drawing a picture, I'll try that tomorrow. Will definitely be booking a GP appointment too!

Bowel/bladder medical is the most obvious thing to rule out for the accidents. Constipation often starts at this age and the poo puts pressure in the bowel causing wee accidents. It also causes behavioural changes as they feel rubbish. A UTI would also explain the accidents and more extreme behaviour. Both are very easily treatable.

Its not easy is it. I would contact your doctor or health visitor for urgent help/advice. What calms him down? Is there anything?? Hugsex

What consequences are there currently for his behaviour eg kicking in you in the nose. What happened then? What happens when he breaks his toys?

Does he snore or have stinky breath?

sleeping loads and loads makes me think the quality of his sleep might not be great.. so enlarged tonsils and adenoids could be obstructing his airway (a bit like sleep apnea). An Xray can tell how much clearance there is back there and if there is an obstruction, they can laser them to reduce them in size. If he has had a cold recently, a virus, or just a growth spurt, they might have grown and are obstructing a bit more, so reducing more of his sleep and therefore ramping up his tiredness

@SeaToSki He does snore, but no more than his Older brother but no bad breath. All of my DCs have been mega sleepers, my eldest was still napping the summer he went off to school and our toddler can sleep for hours during the day and still happily go to bed at 6:30pm. He did have a chest infection towards the end of last year which was treated with antibiotics but is a fit, strong healthy 3 year old otherwise.
Just sat here feeling like crap, feel embarrassed to be struggling but I honestly can't tell you how much DH and I have tried. He's so loved and is such a beautiful funny boy but I'm struggling to cope with how our days are of late.

@shellyleppard Nothing really calms him down, I just hold him, stroke him and will sing a nursery rhyme or something (cheesy I know) but loving him seems to be the only thing that brings him back down. But when he's like it all day every day I can't spend the entire day glued to him - as much as I would like to! We have 2 more DCs, 2 dogs and both work

You shouldn't be embarrassed, you sound like wonderful parents to me.

https://www.nationwidechildrens.org/family-resources-education/700childrens/2019/02/snoring

this might be helpful, for both snoring dc. Maybe try putting dust mite encasements on the bed pillow and duvet, they might have low grade allergies and that is a common one