Parenting- is it ok to say I hate the baby stage? Will I enjoy the other stages better?

[pinguthepenguin]

I've read Pruners thread below on not enjoying parenting and it's given me the courage to post this.

I've recently admitted on the lone parent forum that I don't actually like being a parent that much. It was hard writing it down, so reading pruners thread was bliss. The thing is, I'm desperately hoping it'll pass, but I feel like this most days. I'm not depressed on anything, and I seriously doubt I'd feel any less like this if I was in a relationship.

I really hate the baby stage and what worries me immensely, is that my feelings won't change- that I'll hate every bloody stage there is. This is going to sound really stupid, and I apologise in advance for how irrational I sound, but there are a few things that really get me down.

1. I've never been able to bear high pitched screaming from any child- it goes absolutley through me and the anger that I feel scares the daylights out of me (Why did you have a child I hear you say?) During these moments, I literally want to throttle her and I become so overwhelmed, that I shout back at her to 'shut up' .

1. I'm completely irrational. My dd has this thing where she claws you with her nails when she's near you in any way. My rational mind knows that she doesn't mean to do it, she's simply tactile and wants to grab something. But when she has a lump of my flesh btween her (sharp) nails, I become so agitated, that I will push her away and get really annoyed for ages. She used to do this so badly when I was bf, that it contributed to my decision to stop. I avoid cuddling her at times, or bringing her into the bed beside me, because she'll claw me and will wiggle back to me, even if I move her away.

This irratonlity extends to other areas, such as , when I'm changing her and she kicks me (playing), I get really annoyed, and act as if she did it deliberately.

1. I despise the constant dependance that my DD has on me for her every need, and I get so little enjoyment out of what I do, that I practically run out the door to work, or whoop with delight when her dad takes her overnight. I even wish there was nursery on weekends

Please tell me that I will not hate every stage of parenting. That I'm just not a baby person and it will pass. That I will stop being so stupid, unreasonable and more importantly...that it'll happen in time for my poor dd not to be affected by it.

I felt very similar to this and whilst it wasn't all bad I could have written this thread many times. In my case it certainly got easier after about a year but I still get quite agitated when she's very clingy. I think this is often down to exhaustion and just needing some time out. There was a great thread on here recently which I'll try and find which you may find some solace in.

TBH I'm not sure it's healthy to feel like this and I wish I'd sort support. Perhaps you could because I would hedge a bet that it's not as straight forward as just not liking the baby stage and more a feeling of being out of control or out of your depth. I certainly felt more irritated when my DD was really 'needy' (yes I know that's what babies are) and I felt knackered, had a million things to do or just hadn't had any time to myself. I'd imagine that if you're a loan parent the extra pressure that brings would undoubtably add extra pressure.

Not wanting to pry but did your relationship breakdown because of your pregnancy / the baby? If so, could there be a bit of resentment bubbling away?

here is the thread I mentioned

It sounds like a bit more than not liking the baby stage TBH. I love children, but am not that fussed about babies. Regarding the screaming, I did nto bond very well iwth DD1 at first due to a really difficult birth. But when I did, I became besotted. On the practical side, cut her nails for goodness sake, and if she is screaming, put her in the cot where she is safe and go and make a cup of tea with the radio blasting so you can't hear her.

It sounds a bit like PND from the outside. And as ninja said, could there be a link to the breakdown of your relationship.....?

Don't beat yourself up about it. You are doing the right thing talking about it - there are so many people bottle it up and pretned that it is all ok. I assure you that if you can get to the bottom of the issues, you will eventually learn to love being a mum - not every minute admitedly, but in the round.....

I can feel all those things but fleetingly. I would suggest that if you feel like that all the time there may be something wrong. Try to sort it out, I rang parentline once and they were lovely, just listened to me crying and moaning for as long as I needed and off I went, able to face it all again.

I have 2 kids and hated the pregnancy and 1st year. I always wanted children and couldn't wait to experience pregnancy. But I was in for a shock, I had bad pregnancy's and whilst I adore my children and appreciate how lucky I am. I enjoy being a parent more once they are over a year. I dind't find it as hard with my 2nd as I did my first.

Hi Pingu. Are you sure you don't have PND? How old is your DD? My DS is 19 months now and looking back to when he was younger I think I was depressed but didn't realise it at the time. I was miserable most of the time I was on maternity leave and couldn't wait to get back to work, I used to get really tense when DS was crying and when he'd wake up in the night I'd just wonder why on earth I'd thought having a baby would be a good idea! I also couldn't wait to hand him over to anyone who'd offer to look after him when he was little!

It probably changed with me when DS was about six months - he became a little bit more independent, started communicating a bit more, etc. And now he's sooo lovely - we chat away for ages, he's so funny and I love him to bits - I can't believe how different I feel about him now compared to when he was a few months old.

I don't think I really like babies either. I like children but I don't get all cooey and gushy about babies at all. So hopefully you're the same - like you say, you're just not a baby person and it will pass.

Do you get to go out and see other mums much? I found that was a godsend - getting out of the house really helped.

I would speak to your HV/doctor about it though - even if you don't think you're depressed, they might be able to spot early signs of depression and help you before it gets any worse.

hello pingu my wee pal - long time huh!sorry things are getting on top of you.well done committing your feelings to paper.takes real guts

many many other women have felt as you have done, and they do overcome this difficult phase.One in seven women will have some kind of psychological problem during the antenatal and postnatal periods

see a GP - ask for house call if a visit is too stressful or too much hassle. many surgeries have a named gp who specialises in women and post natal. take a print out of this thread. often written down can ease the anxiety of discussing your feelings

remember you baby actions/reactions are entirely instinctive/unplanned a baby cannot intentionally plan to kick - it is literally knee jerk reactions

hope things work out for you - i really do

remember give thons time, dont set unrealistic goals/trgets.after all it takes time

Look at this page

er..potpourri. I do cut her nails (for goodness sake?)

I can identify with every one of your feelings, pingu. I think I had mild PND until DD was about 6 months old.

DD used to claw my chest when I was BFeeding her, and it used to wind me up like crazy. I couldn't get to sleep at night for fear of hearing her cry AGAIN. On more than one occasion, I got so frustrated with her faffing when feeding (she was useless at latching on and staying there) that I felt like throwing her out of the window.

DD is now 22months old and I love her to bits. I can't believe I ever felt so resentful towards her. I am expecting no.2 in 5 weeks, and I'm not looking forward to the first few months at all. However, this time, I've resolved to just grit my teeth and wait until the 10-12mth mark, when I know things will get better.

I found the newborn stage frightening, exhausting and stressful. After that it was relentless and dull for a bit. I'm still ttc no.2, though. How time softens the memories! . Seriously, I much prefer life now my son is 3 yrs old. It's harder in some ways, but he is an interesting, cute little person, a little companion and I truly love him for the person he is now, whereas in the early days I was on autopilot, looking after this screaming, feeding, shitting little thing that needed me.

I like the stage my son is at now. he's 7 and he's wonderful! Its all downhill from there.....

Just wanted to add that a lot of people aren't really 'baby' people. It's hard to admit it, because we're all supposed to think newborn babies are wonderful, but tbh, I wasn't wild about the early weeks. You don't get an awful lot back - it's relentless feeding/sleeping/winding etc. It gets a lot more fun - once they start chattering away, walking, pointing at things, playing.... Each stage has its pros and cons, but I can totally understand why you feel like this. FWIW, mine are all quite a bit older now, and great company. there's something lovely about cooking a meal together, chatting about their day at school and my day at work - I'd say it's the best stage yet.

I found having babies really really hard work.So draining and (yes I wil lsay it!) depressing at times.

Whilst accutely aware fo not wanting to wish time away, it seemed to be more fun (much more fun) once they got to 2 and beyond)