Toddler naps - why do people judge you for them?

[Busybee1991]

My toddler is 16 months now and is on one nap a day usually somewhere between 11am-2pm. He naps best at home in his cot and can sleep for 1.5-3 hours usually. I’ve always allowed him to have naps when needed and often fitted my day round these but when he was on multiple naps it was easier to be more flexible I found. Since he was about 6 months he’s been a good sleeper overall despite some bumps, as they all have, but I’m lucky that he puts himself to sleep and I usually don’t hear anything from him until about 6am (sometimes earlier ha).

However, I have always found that people have been a bit judgemental of me for sticking to a bit of a nap schedule and now he’s on one nap in the middle of the day it obviously falls at a less ideal time. I find that friends and other mums will plan to meet right in the middle of his nap time and won’t be flexible so that DS can get a decent nap and we can join. I don’t expect them to accommodate him every time just once or twice. I will add I am flexible with naps eg if we are out for the day at the zoo or whatever he can nap in the car/pram but for something not that important I try and keep his nap free so he can get the rest he needs. But I do feel I am made out to be a crazy person for doing so? People make snide comments and tend to just leave us out.

Has anyone else found this? Am I a loon? Should I be more flexible?

post edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info.

Nap time is sacred here too. My day revolves around his nap. If he misses his nap the whole day falls apart and he won’t nap on the go. I’ve luckily found most mum friends to be understanding but friends without kids haven’t a clue how important nap time is and that he can’t just nap ‘later’ or ‘earlier’. They do say having kids is making sacrifices 😂

No one ever judged me and my dc napped until they were 3!
I think there's a difference between judging and not being willing to work their schedule around you, are you sure you're being judged?

I wouldn't judge you (much) but it's about priorities. You prioritise nap time and they prioritise playdates. No one is right or wrong and there are arguments on both sides.

On your side, you can argue a nap is best for DS's wellbeing and development. And you get some free time which is best for your wellbeing.

On the other side, you could argue socialising and experiences are best for DC's wellbeing and development. And getting out and nurturing friendships is best for the mum's well being.

I'm firmly in the second camp but I see the arguments on your side. Just accept that your friendships are not your priority and your friends will see that and not warm to you as a result.

Well there's two things. Firstly people judge everything when it comes to parenting. My dd stopped napping altogether at 2.5, at home and nursery. I got judgement that she must be overtired and had it implied that I was selfishly keeping her awake so I DIDNT have to plan around her. Parents are judged either way.

But saying that, I wouldn't bother to arrange my own plans around another child's nap. I wouldn't judge but I had my own schedule too.

Also if you say that you'll be flexible for something "important" but not for your friends then perhaps think about how that might make them feel!

I’ve been a child care provider for years and have had probably 14 or more toddlers (plus 3 of my own) and they’ve ALL napped every day for 2.5-3 hours after lunch until at least 3.5 years. No one here organizes anything for toddlers during that time! All classes and organized activities are in the morning.

As a mother, I’d deviate from nap time for a really special occasion, but generally I stuck to it as it was my peace and quiet every day.

I used to find naps on the go much easier when DD was a baby, just made sure I had the pram handy if she would need a nap and she would usually sleep fine on the go. It’s a different story now she’s a toddler (18 months) and nap time is usually at home and much more sacred. I also find getting out of routine much more problematic now I’m at work and she needs to get up for nursery. Late nap leading to late bed time creates loads of problems the next day as mine is not naturally an early riser.

@wishIwasonholiday10 makes a good point! It’s easier to be flexible with naps with younger kids who can sleep in the carrier or in the pram. It’s a lot harder with a toddler!

If someone told me they couldn't take part in a activity because of their child's nap time, I just did it without them.

Judge? I couldn't care less among anyone else's nap schedule. This will all be irrelevant in a year or so. If you want to work around nap times that's up to you. Before I went back to work if friends wished to do it I was fine with it. I accepted I wouldn't sometimes see them but that's life.

About not among

People judge everything you do as a parent. Fake complete confidence in your decisions and choose your friends wisely.

Parenting is judgement central.
I got to zero fucks given pretty fast.

Our DD is a decent sleeper.
As a baby she was flexible but as she got older she preferred a cot.
she is shortening now as she comes up to 2 but from 10/11m napped 12/12.30 - 3.30 or 4 IF in her cot then do a 7-7.
If not she'd do 30-50m in the afternoon and be crabby AF the rest of the day.
If we went to animal farms or whatever we took a picnic and she was back home in the cot by 12.30

I had no problem packing up and saying byeeeee to friends.

A very good friend def thinks me and my DH were /are nuts 😅
She is always inviting us to things that start at 12/1pm/2pm ... And I always decline!!!

They have way more flex and their routine with their 2 year old toddler is more like he wakes at 9am has a 30m nap at 11 then sleeps 4-5 then goes to bed at 9pm OR naps 3-5.30 or something... Way more fluid
Which I think is kind of mad as it just wouldn't work for us!!!!

I really don't care...
People just do what works for them

I wouldn't judge no, I mean if it stops him being overtired or taking a danger nap too close to teatime then I get it. It is restrictive though, especially if other people prefer the afternoons for outings.

My daughter dropped her naps at 19 months and it was brilliant being able to be free to go out whenever we wanted, not having to think about her needing to be in the pram/cot for nap purposes.

I'm really surprised you've met this response from people. My 20mo has the same nap schedule you do, as do all of his little friends at the same age (about 8 children that I can confidently say I know about their naps). Nothing is arranged here for toddlers at that time.

I never judged or felt judged about naps when DD was smaller - I think it's quite odd of the people judging you!

But I did tend to just do stuff and go places and if she fell asleep then she fell asleep. I just used to take the push chair and she'd sleep in there if she needed to.

Nap time was important here too. Straight after an 12.45pm lunch for about an hour - in her cot, curtains closed. So much so that I got to watch Neighbours in peace. I just used to see people and do things mornings and after 2pm ish.
My DD was still also having a ‘rest’ on the sofa after lunch until she was nearly 3.5.

I admit, I would be a bit eyebrow-raised at someone who expected a group of other mums to accommodate their toddler's nap schedule 'once or twice'. Clearly, that is the time that works well for most people. Perhaps their kids all nap earlier or later? Of course they're going to leave you out if you can never make the time that works for the others. You say they make the plans, so maybe you need to be a bit more proactive - maybe you'll end up with a smaller group who can make it, or a one-on-one coffee, but that could be nice too?

The other possibility is that, TBH, people go a bit nuts when their toddlers don't sleep, and it's possible what come across as snide comments are people responding with a touch of desperation because the idea of a child who naps and sleeps well is heaven! You could always try 'that time doesn't work for me' rather than giving details and see if their responses change.

As others have said, parenting brings non stop judgement. We are still on 2 naps here, and my baby somehow picked those times herself and is quite set in her ways with them (which I’ve learnt the hard way when I’ve tried to reschedule them!) I find the people who are most judgey are often those who are up all night or early in the morning with their baby as their sleep needs aren’t being met. We get a good night of sleep every night, which is important to us - so I’m ok with being inflexible at the moment whatever judgement comes my way!

Whatever happens, stick to that nap! Like you, I've always prioritised my DDs nap, and out of most of my friends with similar age kids, she is the only one still napping now aged 3. Others have been much more flexible with their routines, and as such, their little ones have long since gotten out of the habit. It's hard to keep a toddler napping past 2 years old unless it's consistently in their own cot. It's obviously ok for mums who want to be more flexible and are happy for the nap not to be a priority, but now I have DS (6 months), having my eldest still in her cot for 2.5 hours a day is the only thing keeping me sane!!! So my advice is definitely play the long game and keep that nap