MIL constantly pushing for what she wants

[GeorgiaP88]

I’m sat here fucking crying about it which i know is pathetic.

a week or so a go my MIL asked me, on the spot can she buy a car seat & take my 1 year old to see her friends, family etc…

i was as nice and honest as i could be and told her im not comfortable with that so no.

no to her isnt a complete sentence and she asked why so i told her, she smokes in the car, she drives far too fast & she is not a confident driver. she told me to think about it because at 15m its legal for him to be forward facing. i explained he wont be forward facing for a long time even if its legal and her face was like thunder and she dropped it.

fast forward to today and she mentions nothing about it to me despite being with me & baby for 4 hours. im bathing the baby and my husband says to me that i had hurt his precious mothers feelings when we spoke about the car seat, that i musnt trust her and i was offensive with saying shes an unsafe driver. this has obviously got my back up because why didnt she say this to me? anyway….

my partner agrees i mustnt trust his mum. i di trust her & she looks after him roughly every 2 weeks for a couple of hours at her house. i just dont think its necessary for her to be driving around with my son in her banger of a car to visit people i dont know. my husband says she has 3 kids (all old enough to not need a car seat) so its unreasonable for ME to expect HIS MUMS FRIEND to go to my MILs if she wants her to meet him. why the fuck do i have to he the one to be lenient & change my wants.

i may he weirdly attached to my son but hes a year old, he is my rainbow baby & i dont want to be apart from him. i love that my MIL loves my son so much but im sick of being guilted into things and bending over backwards to accommodate her only to be made out as the bad guy.

the only solution thats going to make them happy is me giving in again. like i did about her having him alone, about walking him to her brothers in 35 degree heat (she never even have him a bottle or a drink!) and its making me so fucking angry im crying. i worked really hard this year to not dislike my MIL but now i cant help it i feel bullied by the pair of them & have little choice in what i want because my feelings seemingly dont matter.

ARGH

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I honestly don't understand why some grandparents want sole charge of their grandchildren. Grandparents are not owed a grandchild and they are not entitled to take the grandchild away from their parents. Wanting to keep your child near you is perfectly normal and reasonable.

Sometimes the temptation to explain why you don't want something to happen can backfire. Sometimes the best answer to why don't you want to do something is "Because I don't". If you try to explain the whys and wherefores, people will try and 'solve' the problem for you. But it's not your problem - you're happy looking after your child by yourself. The person with the 'problem' is your MIL who doesn't like the fact you won't let her take your DS away from you. It doesn't have to be a matter of not trusting her - just that you don't want to be separated from your child and in my book that's absolutely fine.

You do have a choice - you are your child's mother. You're real problem here is your partner not backing you up. So you sit him down and tell him, you had a child so you could love and care for this child. Not to palm the child off to others. It's not that you don't trust his mother, but that you don't want to be separated.

You don't trust her to keep him safe in the car. I'd start by being honest with DH about that.

YANBU

I’m not in the UK, but where I live it’s illegal to smoke in a car with children in it. So that would be the end of it for me, and if pushed I’d tell my DH that no I don’t trust his mother if she thinks that’s appropriate behavior 🤷‍♀️

It's illegal to smoke in the car if a child is in it in the UK too
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/smoking-in-vehicles

The problem here isn't really your MIL it's your DH. Focus on sorting that out and the MIL will largely self-resolve.

As a general rule though, people don't liked to be criticised (even when that criticism is valid) so you'll get further with making it your issue rather than hers. For example, 'what a lovely thought, but no I'm extremely anxious when it comes to car safety so for now it will be just me and DH who take DS out in the car'.

I wouldn’t even be letting somebody who smokes look after my baby for a couple of hours on their own

Do you actually want her to have him alone? Because you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. If it’s something she’s pressured you into then all the more reason to stop.

You don’t have to justify or explain any decisions you make about your child. Only do what you’re comfortable with.

My mum tried that shit too. Not only did she ignore me, but she bought herself a used car seat from a charity shop that was made of styrofoam. I found it hidden in a cupboard and told her that if I EVER hear of my child being in the car with her (the one covered in all kinds of damage because she drove too fast, crashed into crap, etc…) I would call the police myself. My DD was old enough to say like a parrot “We don’t keep secrets in our family…” because my mum tried that trick. She told mum that she WOULD tell her dad and I if she was put in the car.

She smokes and you dont mind her looking after your child in her house, where cigarette smoke is embedded. So I dont know why youve included her smoking in your issues. Anyway just say No but be aware she could take your child out anyway and at this stage you wouldn't even know. Your husband is a right wimp, having a go at you on mummy's behalf whilst secretly agreeing with you anyway. He has a wife he's not her little boy living at home anymore, he needs to man up and get his priorities right.

This is a DH problem. That being said when people don’t know how to take the word no, it’s best not to justify yourself. Next time try saying “No, I am not comfortable with that, and that is all I am willing to say on the subject”. If she continues then rinse and repeat. There is absolutely no reason she needs to be parading your child around people, you don’t know.

Don't do this.

We said something along these lines to spare MIL's glass ego.

She and FIL decided I was 'mentally ill' and that became the narrative for them. From then on anything I asked of them was ignored. 'Why should we listen to someone who is mentally unstable?'

Don’t make excuses or justify why you don’t want anything, whether it’s leaving your baby with her alone, or driving them.

Sweetly say, “oh thank you, but I’m not comfortable with that.” End of story. You don’t owe anyone baby time, he’s not a toy. Don’t get into a back and forth. As my friend loves to tell me, NO is a complete sentence!

In the animal kingdom a mother would possibly kill someone who came near their babies. Yet mom's are expected to leave their babies when they are not comfortable with it. Just NO!!
This woman is getting far more than a lot of grandparents who lives miles away or in a different country and she is still complaining.
Pick one sentence: at the moment l wouldn't be comfortable with that..and just say that every time. Its just shocking that this woman has you crying just because she wants to drag your little one around to see her friends. I am a gm and it makes me so mad.

I don’t understand why so many Grandmother’s are so controlling and possessive of Grandchildren these days. When I was a child my Grandmothers weren’t like it and neither were my friends Grandmothers. But I know so many that behave like your MIL these days.
He is your baby and your feelings do matter. Your wants certainly trump your MILs. Don’t let them bully you, stick to no. Your are being a good mother looking out for your baby’s best interests, I can’t say the same for your MIL and DH in this situation. I applaud you for telling your MIL the reasons why you aren’t happy with her driving your baby too. Stick to your guns.

These selfish MIL need to back off… Very lucky here that both grannies just go with what we do. They never comment on our parenting or think about themselves before DS. She can do one! Hard enough being a mother, without this BS…

You are in the right here. Don’t be bullied and don’t waste your valuable time defending a decision which is in the best interest of your child! Your husband needs to get a grip too!!!

If my MIL was a smoker, she wouldn't be allowed within 100 miles of my child, let alone taking them in a car whilst smoking!

just for the record, i didnt phrase it correctly, MIL smokes in her car, she wouldnt with baby in it obviously, but she thinks not smoking in it for an hour before is enough to be fine. she also doesnt smoke in her house

but

the only way i can think of to resolve the situation though is by me giving in, if i dont MIL sulks and feels hard done by, and husband is offended because i dont trust his mother. it just feels unneccessary and i feel like if i say yes to this like i have everything else because i feel bad for her, that its never going to end. i need to decide is this the hill i die on or not. woke up with a twatting headache this morning.

Tell your DH that actually you don't trust his Mum because she's not acting in your child's best interests.
She may have brought up her own three kids - her kids her choices, but this is your child and you get to make those choices.
DH may want to keep the peace but he can choose to support you and your choices or he can placate his Mother. But ultimately as a father he should choose which prioritises the welfare of his child.

I don't understand these grandmothers these days either acting like they have parental responsibility. Don't give in!. Because it will keep happening and you will keep giving in, before you know it she will be in control of everything. As others have said you don't need to justify things, that can lead her to play the victim and these mummy's boys always fall for it, what have you done to my mummy.
Just to keep the peace you could say I'm sorry your mother upset , I'm not comfortable with baby going away out in her car at this time and perhaps when older I will think about it. You are the mother, it's your choice, refuse to give in. Don't let anyone bully you into doing things you are not comfortable with.