Please Help me - Need advice re adult child drug use

[Adultchildusingdrugs]

I’ve just found what looks like cocaine in my adult child’s bedroom…white powder, rolled up tenner and a credit card.

How the fuck do I deal with this?

She’s mid 20s, returned home to live about 6 months ago following a relationship breakup

I’ve had suspicions about how she lives their life, heavier drinking than I feel is healthy…but holds down a full time job etc. We’ve allowed her her privacy, but the last couple of months felt that she’s been secretive in her behaviour, not just private

Background is very average working/middle class background, my dh is her father. HOWEVER he has a history of being very passive where the (now adult) kids are concerned, leaving me do deal with any issues when they were growing up…which contributed to how I was with the kids, as no back up, being constantly undermined etc

She and I don’t have a great relationship due to my poor mental health resulting in me being a bit of a cow to everyone when she was growing up, which is different now, and I’ve been bending over backwards to try to show to her that I and our household function differently now, compared to when she left home a number of years ago.

Since Xmas I’ve felt that there’s been a bit of piss taking on her part, but I know it’s not uncommon for adult kids to revert to teenage behaviour when they move back in with parents…we’ve gone very gently since she moved back in, we don’t know the reasons for the breakup, although her ex was lazy and workshy which may have contributed.

Against what my mind is screaming ‘no drugs under my roof’ etc, because I know that would likely be counterproductive, but I just don’t know how to deal with this. Everyone is out at work just now and my mind is reeling and I’m shaking with my heart racing.

Please please help me with how to navigate this…I know I’m panicking which doesn’t help

OP, we've edited that title for you now. MNHQ

Sorry to hear about this discovery. Personally I think you should stick with your instinct "No drugs under my roof". I also think your should repost and make it clear in the heading that your post is about drug taking (along the lines I suspect my daughter is taking drugs, any advice?) I think you might get more targeted advice.

Thank you -I’m in a bit of a tailspin as you can probably tell!

I can tell you are. Please repost and make it more clear what help you need.

It's a shock discovery, my sympathy

Further to the earlier message... I got a lot of replies to my post Is my teenager taking drugs? I wish you well, I am sure you have done your best for your children, none of us are perfect

firstly what was you doing in your adult child's bedroom to find it in the first place? she's mid 20's? to me that's a massive break in privacy.

So many people in their 20s partake in recreational drugs. I've never seen the attraction but it's not something out of the ordinary and certainly doesn't mean she's an addict.

I really don't think it's something to deal with at this stage she's not a teenager. Just watch the situation carefully and offer support

I can totally imagine how panicked you are feeling. She will probably go on defensive if you confront directly and accuse you of snooping then possibly leave in a strop that won’t help the anxiety you are already feeling.

my advice would be to try get her in a relaxed mood, maybe put a movie on, have hot chocolate/ tea and try get talking about what her plans are in long term, how she’s feeling being back home. Show her you are interested in supporting her to get back on her feet. Then I think you bring up your find, tell her how anxious it makes you feel, explain how you feel about drugs and throw in examples of people whose lives it’s ruined if you know people that have suffered through it.

I think most of our younger generation have experimented with drugs and don’t see it as damaging. It is a slippery slope though and you are right to be concerned. You don’t know if it’s a regular thing or something she has done over Xmas , perhaps it’s a coping mechanism or maybe it’s went on a while. The only way to know is have an open conversation but try not to come across as if you are judging or she will lie. If you can, I know it’s not easy, see it as a personal choice like smoking or drinking . I know it’s not , it’s illegal but in the younger generation it’s normalised in social settings and fairly common . Try step back from it being your daughter and under your roof and find out what it means to her,. Think of it as a discussion/ debate about drug taking and talking through pros and cons without bringing emotions into it. Is it a one off thing, Coping strategy or damaging habit ? Knowing this will help you decide the best way forward. If it’s a habit, you can offer help to stop , may need outside support and lay ground rules while she lives with you about having paraphernalia or using in your home, if it’s coping you can help her find another way and if it’s experimental then you need to discuss your concerns and again ground rules about what happens under your roof.
You need to realise if you forbid her to do it at all, it might raise the value of continuing it and if it does will only be hidden better . You can’t put an old head on young shoulders but you can introduce knowledge that you have gained through life experience and get her thinking about whether taking drugs aligns with her goals and values, it’s important it’s hers though and not yours.

I have a 24 year old girl. She hasn’t moved out yet. I’ve had issues with her inability to stick to a job, lying about in bed and have suspected recreational drug use at times. What I know from my experience is that our kids are led more by their peers and online influence than us. Any time I’ve raised issues with mine she shuts me out until she is ready to talk. If I directly challenge her attitude or impose my view she rebels. The best way forward for us is to discuss things calmly and as if we are looking at pros and cons of both viewpoints. Anything she has changed has been because she decided she wanted to and not at my insistence. Things have got to points where she has left for weeks and trust me when they shut you out it’s worse ! The behaviour continues but you don’t know how they are. Only you know how your daughter ticks so try work with her and get her to question her drug taking behaviour rather than you questioning it as she is more likely to change when it’s her own idea.

there’s a good chance she’ll say it’s not hers, holding it for a friend. I’ve had that with cigarettes and vapes. If that happens you can still have the discussion about pros and cons. The goal is to get her to look at pros and cons internally and she is more likely to change her behaviour if she makes statements she believes about negative aspects of using drugs.

good luck and I hope things go smoothly.

@hangingonfordearlife1 I was opening the window as I often do, and it was on the windowsill. I DONT go snooping, she has absolute privacy

@scotsmum2015 thank you for your considered advice, I’m reading and re reading it

I can only speak from experience. My daughter is very strong willed. I don’t know yours nature but this is what helps me x

It's concerning if she's been taking it in the house - it's the sort of thing you take when you're already out enjoying yourself, rather than at home (in my experience).

You're well within your rights to hit the roof about class A drug use in your own home. It's very illegal, very addictive and very bad for your health. I would probably fall on the side of furious concern.

At the end of the day it's her life, and she can live it how she chooses. But not in your house. She's an adult, you don't need to tiptoe around her.

Do you have other kids at home?

Flush it and say nowt...
Then give her notice to move out.
Keep it friendly.. She can be a druggie elsewhere..

I would go in gently but very firmly that this is absolutely not acceptable. It sounds likes shes had a really difficult upbringing and is probably quite lost. Sending her away now is not going to help her - who know where she'll end up and who with. She needs your love and support but to know that this isn't ok.

Although I agree with all comments and the fact it’s unacceptable risky behaviour going on under your roof and can’t continue. I’d think about what is biggest priority and worry for you. If it’s that it’s happening under your roof I’d definitely give her ultimatum and marching orders. If it’s that she’s doing it at all, realise throwing her out probably won’t change anything except she’ll perhaps have less money to do it . You won’t be talking and will be worried sick. Either reason is ok, it’s your home and maybe you do have to protect others that live there. I am not saying it’s acceptable behaviour at all but if you want her to stop doing it the best way forward is to understand why she is doing it in the first place and get her to question the rewards versus costs of continuing using from her own perspective.

Are there NHS services she can access for support? Maybe you need to investigate first what's available in your area?

my knee jerk reaction would be to show her the door but that won’t be happening. That would probably end our relationship forever and that wouldn’t be good for either of us, for the reasons that @itsmyp4rty and @scotsmum2015 raise

I know drug use is at epidemic levels just now, which doesn’t make it right, but I know there a huge difference between my generation and hers and how we see these things.

Im listening to everyone, thank you

they don’t tell you about this shit at antenatal classes do they!!

They really don’t. You know your daughter best. Go with your gut and im sure things will work themselves out. X

So that escalated.

She moved out last week -of her own accord- to move into the new boyfriend’s flat.

Which would be lovely if…he wasn’t a fucking dealer!!

DH and I are now in self preservation mode, and I’m seeking help to deal with how I manage my own feelings.
Did I mention fuck my life?

That must be a worry for you. How do you know he's her dealer? How did that info come to you?

She and I don’t have a great relationship due to my poor mental health resulting in me being a bit of a cow to everyone when she was growing up, which is different now, and I’ve been bending over backwards to try to show to her that I and our household function differently now, compared to when she left home a number of years ago.

This paragraph stood out from your initial post, as someone who has issues with my relationship with my mother due mainly to her mental health when we were teens. I'm thinking that if you also bend over backward to try to show her that you are sorry, apologise, and focus on repairing your relationship with her rather than her current substance abuse, you may find that helps her to make better choices for herself. Individual and/or family counselling would be a great shout, if you can make that happen.

@GoldDuster I’ve had the information from a reliable source-I know its a fact unfortunately.

I appreciate your input about not focussing on the substance abuse, and I know it’s what I have to do. I’m just in such a state of fear just now that she’s now, by living with the guy, involved in dealing. I know the road these things go down.
However I do also know that she’s an adult and I can’t influence these choices she’s making

A letter or text explaining how sorry you are for lack of relationship in the past, explain you were learning how to be a mother as you didn’t have that as a child. Tell her you love her and when she is ready to leave her current lifestyle you will help and support her. I’m so sorry you are going through that. It must be terrible.