Teenage DD behaviour

[Thatisme]

Not sure what I expect from posting this, maybe just a place where I can vent. My 16 yo DD won't get out of bed to go to school. I tried since 7 am and she's still there. I tried talking, getting angry, sweetly, firmly....and all she says is that she's tired. At some point she got up to push me out of her bedroom and told me that I'm a horrible mother. She said that she wouldn't be so tired if she didn't have an 'annoying rat' making noise since 7 in the morning. I'm the rat, clearly. I had many things to do today but I'm stuck with this issue now and I can't focus on anything else. It's really affecting me. I went to gp on many occasions in the past, but it never went anywhere and I accepted that I will never get any help. Maybe she's just a spoilt brat who needs a life lesson. Today we have Parents Evening and it's her GCSE year. I'm ashamed of even showing my face. I don't know how I can carry on. Husband (dad) is just as lost as I am.

This was me. Still is me.

From 14-18 I really struggled to get up for school. Perfectionistic tendencies kept my attendance ok until my a levels and then a missed anything that wasn't essential. For me it was a combination of a virus that hit a lot of my friendship group, lowish iron but not low enough for anaemia, not eating enough but didn't tip into anorexia until I was 18 and depression because it was lots of little things combined it wasn't until everything escalated at 18 that the picture came together

Plus I'm a night owl and really really struggle with mornings. To get up I have a lumie alarm clock my phone alarm with about 15 alarms over the course of an hour and 3 alarms that are very loud and require me to do a puzzle to turn them off. I'm not lazy but my body clock doesn't fit with the 9-5 world we live in and it has taken me 20 years to figure out how to manage in this world regardless.

What time do you want her to get out of bed for school and what time does she really really need to be out in time for school? Give her some responsibility for setting the alarms for getting up with a normal amount of time to get up. Look into the lumie alarms. This changed my mornings so much they fake a sunrise and it really helps my body feel like it time to be alive again. Then you step in for the if you are not dressed in 2 minutes we are going to be late. Make sure your daughter has the absolute bare minimum to do in the morning. When I was doing my a levels the night before I had my clothes stacked in the order I put them on as that was one less thing to think about.

How are you waking her up? When my partner needs to get me up at some ungodly hour like 3am for a trips or something he is given strict instructions. Wake me up with coffee. Sitting up in bed with the light not having to focus on not spilling a hot beverage down myself ... Now that wakes me up much more than his badgering me as I will always absolutely always say 1 more minutes. Engage your daughter in the evening and come up with an idea on how to do something with her /for her that has her sat up in bed with a light on 15 minutes before you need her to be functioning

What time does she need to be up and out of the house for? Does she walk/bus or need a lift to school?

At that age I'd ask her to set own alarm and leave her to it.

Hi OP

It can be really hard when they don't want to go to school.

As part of looking after her, look after yourself. Make sure you take some time in the day to have some time for you.

How is she doing at school generally? I'm going to assume you are in the U.K. is she on track to do well in GCSEs or is she expecting to fail?

Many 16 year olds who do not get on with school do well at college when they are studying things they have chosen.

Are there issues outside of school? Is she maybe generally anxious, or angry?

Take her phone off her
switch off the wifi
remove hair straighteners and whatever else has been bought with your hard earned money
she can have them back when she goes in
and you will be phoning the school to check

Oh and if she calls you a rat again, it all gets removed.

parents Evening is your opportunity to discuss these issues with the teachers and get to the route of why she doesn’t want to be at school. Just go on your own and be open and honest about the struggles. You may learn she’s overwhelmed with homework, or they may have some support strategies. With teens, it really does take a village.

WiFi password is earned by going to school..
So are lifts and spends...
If dd has savings she will be expected to pay for any fines you get.
Ask school for a home visit. You will get attendance visiting soon anyway ime.

Thank you for your replies. Superscientist, I never thought it could be issues of that sort (ie that she can't help it), but I could be wrong. I wake her up at 7 am and she goes to school on her own. If I didn't wake her up and pestered she wouldn't go to school much. She's only turned 16 recently, it would still be my responsability legally to make sure she goes to school, I suppose. It really is affecting me and my wellbeing. This is only one aspect of the behavioural issues she's putting us through. Am I too patient? Should I just let her screw up her life at this point? I'm a horrible mother according to her so I may as well mind my business and do what's best for me. It's just so depressing to live with this. I tread on eggshells not knowing what to expect and what new stress she'll put me through. I recognise that she has too much power over us and this cannot be right.

I had this with one of mine ..... I used to put the router and the TV remote controls in the boot of my car and go to work. If she wasn't going to school, she wasn't loafing about on the internet/tv all day.

This was a few years ago so might be different now with cheaper unlimited 4G etc.

Just to add ... she did turn out alright in the end so don't despair OP. She's now mid 20s with a great job.

If she has just turned 16 she is presumably year 11.

Personally I would keep pestering and getting her up until her exams are done but not for college.

I can second the lumie alarm clock - really helped my teen who had trouble getting up.

I wasn't suggesting letting her have complete responsibility. I did as my parents both left for work before 7 which wasn't ideal for me. Mum usually phoned around half 7 to make sure at least one of us was awake and able to wake up the rest of us

If she really needs to be dressed for 20past 7 she is responsible for setting an alarm for 7 to get up. If she's not up say by 7.15 then it's time for you to step in. It's finding that balance of you are 16 can have control over small aspects of your life but you are 16 I'm your mum and it's my responsibility to get you to school. Engage in the start of how she gets up and come up with rules for when mum is allowed to step in and "put a rocket up her" as my dad would say. It's finding ways to make your voice count. There's a risk on continuous prompt that your request goes to background noise and once any of my alarms go to background noise I will go back to sleep!

My mum never realised what was going on until she got a call from a psychiatrist after I collapsed when I was 18. I'd been back and too the GP for years with generalised tiredness

I appreciate your answers, thank you. Yes she's year 11 and doing GCSEs. She'll pass her GCSEs, she wants to go to university so she needs to do better than passing....and we're here getting her tuitions, dancing around her to get her to do well, but ultimately she doesn't care. If she did she wouldn't be behaving in this way. She constantly has behaviour issues in school too. I know if I give up she'll look back one day when she's matured and she'll blame me for her failures....but I feel like a proper mug and get called a rat. I literally no longer have thr stregth to carry on like this.
PS I will look at that alarm clock some of you have mentioned. Thank you.

Thank you. This really gives me a different point of view.

She didn't get up today either. She's tired, sleeps the whole day and says that she hates it and won't go back. We took her phone away and it was WW3, but then said that she doesn't care and went back to sleep. We obviously talked about her GCSEs and she said she won't take them. I think there are severe mental and possibly even psysical underlying issues, but she refuses to go the gp, even for a blood test as I thought it may be iron deficiency. Won't go. What are my options? What can I do? I don't see any, I don't know where to and who can help me. I can't force her to do anything at 16. What should I do? We explained that there are fines to the parents and other consequences and she said that she doesn't care. If someone has knowledge or experience of this could I get some advice please? I never thought I'd have to face something like this and I feel hopeless.

Honestly if she is sleeping all day I'd start investigating physical
Issues.

There are blood tests you can do at home and post off to get vitamin results. Of just buy an iron and multivitamin and get her to take it.

Something like glandular fever might also be a possibility. Has she had any illnesses in the last year or so?

Blood tests:

https://www.forthwithlife.co.uk/health-tests/nutrition/nutricheck/?bcndyn=d2lkOjU3MHxjaWQ6NjA3&gadid=677300435265&utmmcampaign=Profiletestss2022&gadsource=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMInvOBlev6gwMV4IpoCR1oYQBEEAAYAiAAEgJAnnDBwE

Iron tablets are often not absorbed well - taking with orange juice can help.

I take spatone sachets.

I think it might be time for a chat with the school and the GP.

She's not going to want to go but it sounds like she needs support. Do you have any other adults that could help you get her to an appointment - her parent/grandparent ?

Sometimes we all need someone to do the thing we need when it's not the thing we want

Thank you. There's no harm in trying supplements I suppose.

I completely agree and talked about it with her, but she doesn't want to go. She is so oppositional (which I think is also part of her problems) that I know nothing will change her mind. My husband (her dad) is the only other adult and he can't do anythng either. Maybe a gp can give me advice? It didn't help in the past. Or any charity that supports parents? I don't know if there are charities for this

This is so hard. I have this now but DC is Y12 and has GCSEs and the beginnings of a future plan.
Are the school able to provide any support for you? A reduced timetable, etc?
If she will pass her GCSEs then at least you have that, and maybe you can organise some kind of compromise.

the behaviour isnt good.

Last year DD had real issues, didn't want to do things (did go to school though) was sleeping lots, headaches and aches and pains etc. Anyway turned out she had glandular fever. She completely rested for the summer holidays (cancelled her week long explorer camp to snowdonia as too much physical activity) and just took care of her and so far she has been loads better.