Toddler sleep... looking (in vane?) for reassurance...

[MerciToiAussi]

First time posting, so please be gentle with me if I don't phrase things quite right :)
My DD is 2 years 3 months. I breastfeed her still (first and last thing only), and feed to sleep. Up until a few months ago she was waking once a night, I would settle her within 20 mins and be back asleep, occasionally she woke up more. I work full time again now, and I was managing to get enough sleep.

Then she magically started sleeping through of her own accord, even when she was ill, even when we were away from home... it was wonderful. Until last week.

She has a cough, and she might have molars coming through (there are some signs but I can't get her to cooperate enough to really have a look). So I suppose this might be what is stopping her from falling back asleep.

Now when she wakes in the night I get a crushing feeling in my chest which I never really had before. I just feel so disappointed to be back in this situation, even though realistically it hasn't been that long, I get frustrated and upset, and I am weighing up my options, as to whether I just push through in the hope it will sort itself out again, or start properly night weaning her, stop feeding to sleep etc. and keep trying to explain to her that nighttime is for sleeping, for mummy and daddy too! I'm not even sure how I would go about this, because I feel I should wait to see if it's just the illness/teething, but you know when you hit rock bottom and just feel like you don't have it in you anymore :(

My question is: has anyone else been in roughly this situation - with a toddler who suddenly started sleeping through by themselves with no intervention, and then suddenly stopped - and what happened next? Push through and see if it goes back to how it was, or start being more proactive?

TIA

Mine did, at a fairly similar age, a couple of months older, and in her case, it was a combination of cough, molars, and starting to wake in the night if she needed a wee. In our case, it was an easy decision to wait it out because 95% of the time, there was a clear reason why she was waking.

If you think it might be teeth but she can't tell you, could you try giving a dose of ibuprofen before bed and see if she sleeps better (at least until her cough wakes her up)? We also used anbesol if she woke in the night with teething pain, as it works really quickly, so good for getting everyone back to sleep.

@skkyelark thanks so much for replying. I really needed to hear something like this!
She's been having paracetamol the last few nights because she had a fever (which I can't tell if it's because of teething or related to the cough), might try Ibuprofen instead. Thanks for the tip on anbesol too, not used that before. I also hadn't considered the wee aspect 😅

Before she started sleeping through I felt like I had so much patience and could always find a reason why she woke, and stay regulated myself while getting her back to sleep. Last night for the first time I really felt at the end of my tether :( because I'm afraid it will never end I suppose! So thanks for your reassurance about your DD also having a phase.

Mine started sleeping through when I stopped breastfeeding her. It had dwindled to one comfort feed (to sleep) every night. It took a week of DH settling her (she just would scream if I tried to do it without feeding). She cried every time she realised he was the one taking her upstairs for a few days but every day it got easier and then it was fine for me to put her to bed after a week. If you don’t want to stop breastfeeding you shouldn’t but maybe you could cut it to mornings?

@Revelwithacause I've heard this can work well, but it makes me feel so afraid! I don't know how to start or do it "properly". When your DH was settling, did you stay nearby? Did you explain in advance to her that things were going to change?

I have to admit that because she started sleeping through by herself before, I really wanted breastfeeding to just dwindle naturally without having to intervene. I just wish there was a crystal ball so I could see if this is a phase or whether this is how things will continue unless we get more proactive 😢

I have a 3.5 yo who has never managed more than a couple of months of sleeping through before something unsettles her. Every time its disappointing and so hard to go back to the wake ups. Especially as it takes a few weeks of sleeping through for me to stop waking when she used to wake.
Do your best to meet the needs of the day and hope for the best is the approach we have been doing. After a period of needing more support from us we have to be a bit former about boundaries for the week after the illness for example so that she know that the default is being in her bed not ours but she can come in later

Kids form habits for comfort. Some won't dwindle without an intervention.
She needs to be able to settle herself. That crushing feeling is stress. Dont ignore it.

Mine was feeding to sleep with a baby bottle at 6. We had to intervene. One night and she was fine.

It's older admittedly.

@Superscientist Oh this all sounds so familiar. I'm actually happy to hear that it can be a phase, rather than a complete fluke that will never repeat. But it does sound like it must be tough. When you say:

Especially as it takes a few weeks of sleeping through for me to stop waking when she used to wake.

^^ I can really relate to this. It took me ages to relax into the idea that she wasn't going to wake me up. And now I'm having the opposite problem, and I'm shocked and appalled whenever she wakes!

Do you mind me asking how, in practice, you implement firmer boundaries in the weeks following illness? Just by being careful not to allow her into your bed for a while, for example?

@Flyhigher Agreed that some will need intervention for everyone's sanity!

Because my DD learned to settle herself already once, I'm desperately hoping she'll do so again. But I'm not sure whether I just need to readjust my own expectations first, rather than try and push through some intervention when she does seem to be ill and perhaps teething. It's all very confusing, and tiring.

My husband is suggesting I go away for a night to a) recup and b) let DD see that she can survive nighttime without me, but I've read very varying accounts of the success of that tactic. Not sure it wouldn't just make me feel more stressed and sad than just responding to her and accepting the inevitable tiredness the next day, and all the grumpy feelings that I suppose I'll come through the other side of again like I have done before...

In any case, thanks, everyone for taking the time to respond :)

Yes so the first few days I try to go into her before she gets out of bed or I if she does start to come into our room I meet her at the door as say "come on let's go back to your bed" and face a few tears the first night. It only takes a few days for her to go back to accepting her bed early in the evening

We have had the opposite problem this week as she's been ill and needing cuddles but she didn't want to come to our bed so I spent half the night in her bed before persuading her it was ok.

She doesn't like covers and has been throwing them off and getting cold. We have only had it a week and a half but that was helping before she got ill!

I don't have any advice as such as I also think your description of feeling stressed is important to listen to, but I can offer an anecdote of sleep sorting itself out by itself.

My daughter had been sleeping through but from November (2yrs3months) she had a run of back to back illnesses and stopped sleeping through for a couple of months (often just calling out for a cuddle). She's been sleeping through again for the past month or so. We didn't do anything to make it happen .

@Burpcloth Thanks for sharing!

In terms of the stress levels:
Prior to this episode I had become very zen about the wake ups and was completely focussed on it being developmentally normal etc. etc. I barely even kept a mental note of the wake up by the next morning.

Reading some anecdotes like this I already feel a bit reassured and less alone. Perhaps this will contribute to reducing stress levels again, but I will certainly keep an eye on this.

(It has also occurred to me this afternoon that I might be slowly going down with the virus causing DD's cough, and therefore have lowered defenses all round)

Thanks again

@Superscientist Thanks for sharing. We also struggle a lot with maintaining a constant temperature here so I can relate!

I also generally try to go in as soon as possible, which is directly against what I was advised by our GP, who said to leave it as long as possible! But by then DD completely wakes herself up and wants to chat and play and roam around, then gets upset at being reminded it's nighttime, which is a whole different issue for another post😅😴

There's a book called Booby Moon which is really helpful for night weaning (and then full weaning when you're ready). I couldn't continue feeding my eldest at night when she was that age as she was waking so frequently at night that I was totally exhausted. I really recognise the situation you are in!

We read the book together and in it there's a page where it says that now at night time the milk doesn't wake up, so I have a drink of water and me and Mummy have a cuddle instead. After about a week of reading the book, I started saying no to feeding in the night and would use the same lines - milk is sleeping now, it won't wake up, here's your water and let's cuddle. First night she was fine with it, second night she cuddled in to me and cried for about 60 seconds but then fell asleep. After that, she went back to sleep with a cuddle every time. Pretty soon she'd accept a cuddle from DH in the night too rather than just me. He used to use the same lines we used about milk not waking up, and then he used to say the same about me - sssh Mummy is sleeping now, let's have some water and a cuddle.

Gradually she woke up less and less, and now she's 3.5 and I would say she sleeps through the night 75% of the time in her own bed. The other 25% she wakes up, comes to our room and one of us takes her by the hand and says let's go back to your bed now and she gets in her bed and falls back asleep within a minute.

I wanted to take a gentle approach because I genuinely believe it's biologically normal for babies and toddlers to wake in the night for reassurance, and I wanted to respect that.

@headcheffer This sounds perfect, I'm going to order a copy right away!
Sounds like exactly the kind of transition I would want to aim for if it has to happen. It's good to hear also that it could work for DH eventually as well. Thank you very much for sharing.

Last night DD woke up twice again, but actually I felt so much calmer and able to deal with it, in a large part thanks to hearing other people's experiences here. It also helped that there was a gap of 5 hours between the wakeups so I actually managed to complete a couple of sleep cycles before being woken again, makes such a difference!

In fact @Superscientist last night when I went in the first time because she was calling out for me, DD didn't want to get out of her bed either to start with! She wanted me to sit where she could see me, and a few minutes later she came for a cuddle and back to sleep. Maybe it's wishful thinking but I feel like wanting to stay in their beds must be a positive development in terms of their sleep independence, even if it's just a tiny step?! Fingers crossed anyway and thanks again.