Severe separation anxiety in 3yo

[Inyourwildestdreams]

3yo DS has not long started nursery and is really really struggling. For a 3yo he’s really quite calm and rational and doesn’t often have tantrums or get overly upset about things. But nursery drop off is sending him into what can only be described as a blind panic 😔 This is when I drop him off. With DH he is usually happier as long as he knows he isn’t staying for long.

There are days where he has gone in for a few hours (when DH dropped off) and he absolutely LOVES it. He comes home raving about what he’s been up to, talks about it constantly, loves his key worker, telling me all about what he’s doing the next day etc. Then it comes to bed time and he’s upset because the next day is a nursery day, and he’s up every hour in the night worried because he’s going to nursery, then he’s upset all morning about going, then the drop off comes and the blind panic sets in 😔

He screams uncontrollably. To the point where he’s gagging and almost being sick and comes out in hives. Yesterday he physically lashed out and was pulling my hair and trying to drag me out of the building. He’s clearly extremely distressed. He’s never lashed out before and never been so upset. He’s genuinely cried more in this last few weeks than he has in the entire last year.

Obviously I’m being calm and reassuring and positive infront of him. But this is honestly enough to destroy me. Seeing him so terrified is horrendous. I haven’t had more than 2h of broken sleep in a night for almost 2 weeks. Even if it wasn’t for him waking constantly, I’m too anxious about the next morning to actually switch off.

Nursery are being great and supporting him with trying shorter sessions more frequently to try and get him settled. His key worker and all the other staff are being so lovely. Clearly the separation from me is the issue. It is not possible to have DH drop him off all the time - he works away from home. I need to be able to do the drop off and I need to be able to go to work after drop off so I need to find a solution. I’ve had to take unpaid time off work to try and get him settled but that can’t go on indefinitely.

He says he can’t go because he he can’t see me and that makes him scared. He has a special book with photos in at nursery that he has access to at all times but a photo isn’t cutting it. Even me sitting in the parents room next door while he is in the playroom isn’t an option to him. I always wear a hair bobble on my wrist that he likes to fidget with so I tried giving him that to take with him as a comfort but he didn’t like that.

Can anyone suggest anything that may help. I really am willing to try anything at this point. Books about separation? Any tips and tricks? What worked for your family if you’ve been through similar?

Sorry this sounds really hard, but it is likely he will eventually settle into the routine. How long ago did he start? I also have an extremely clingy (to me) 3yo who has been in nursery since the age of 1 but has really struggled with going back since the Christmas holidays. I think at this age they are a lot more aware of what's going on and they can also express themselves better, which makes it so heartbreaking. The fact he tells you he's enjoyed what he's done there is a good sign. I saw some advice that basically said: you have to imagine your job is totally inflexible and you (and they) have no choice about being in nursery. It takes away the agonising decision of whether you stay for a bit, take him out early or whatever. I also wonder if a swift drop off might help? Staying around (eg in the parents room) may actually make things worse. How many days is he doing? That will also make a difference to how quickly he settles. It can take quite a while but he will get there.

@chocopuffs Thanks. It’s only been a few weeks. He’ll be doing 2.5 days but in order to try and get him settled nursery have been having him in for shorter times over 5 days.
My job really is inflexible. I’m the keyholder and management and have to be physically present. I’ve taken some emergency unpaid leave while DH is away at work to try and get us through the next few weeks.

We were absolutely going down the swift drop off route but short of him being restrained by staff there is no way of me leaving. He physically will not let me go. I don’t want him being restrained. And I know if he were to be then there’s no way I’d get him back there the next day. The parent room was given as an option to him by his key worker to try and get him comfortable with not seeing me but the security of knowing that I’m still in the building.