I don't want any more children but want more!

[Faradalla]

I have 3 healthy, beautiful, wonderful children. Am totally blessed to have them and am thankful for them every day. I'm honestly so grateful for them, even though this post might come across as to the contrary.

My youngest is 2 and has just started sleeping at night. My hands are full with a full time job. I'm 41. The last birth wasn't very nice and that madenup my mind that we were definitely finished. We ARE definitely finished. Neither ofbus want any more, not really. Not a real baby, not another actual child.

While I think I'm going into perimenopause, I recently had a pregnancy scare (was very unlikely). I almost cried with disappointment when my period arrived, even though a pregnancy would not have been good news. I keep wishing I was pregnant and keep dreaming I'm having another baby.

This is all hormonal. I am more than satisfied with my three but there is an urge in me for more that makes no sense! Not only are our hearts full, but any more would push our emotional and financial resources to the limit.

Has anyone felt like this and how did you cope with it? When will it pass? This feeling is outside my control and has nothing to do with how delighted I am with my own kids. It feels so irrational!

If you are going into peri it’s probably your ovaries having one last attempt to tempt you before your fertility fades.

I am one and done for 110% but sometimes have a broody moment (also in peri).

It's likely hormonal, and at 41 the chances of you becoming naturally are very slim any ways.

Yes the feeling will pass.

I wanted a big family but turns out I'm infertile.

I have one gorgeous son through adoption and at 46 I am more than content.

Feelings around children like most things will fade and change overtime.

I was exactly you @Faradalla -3 gorgeous children and a yearning for another despite knowing I needed to just be happy with what I had.

I had to accept that I was a very broody person and even another baby would not satisfy that feeling-it was hormones going mad.
So I made peace with it.

It's so common at this age- most of my friends felt like this in early forties - it's our last biological chance. A couple of friends did do it. I'm late 40's now and so so glad I'm not doing all the young kid stuff now. Me and my family have moved on to a new stage with freedoms and money.

You are correct. It's the hormones. They are so powerful! Look at all the people on Mumsnet who are desperate to have kids even though their circumstances are a disaster.

I think if you was seriously broody you would be telling brain and all logic to shut up. I had a fourth. I had secondary infertility either 2 and three and they both took years to conceive so imagine the shock when I fell pg the first month of trying.

I still get broody and sad, it's the hormones. If I think "do I want to pay nursery fees? Do I want to talk to another senco? Do I want sleepness nights?" I don't. Before I was all - yep, I don't care, bring it on! BTW 3 to 4 was not just one extra kid harder, it's sometimes like a Bush fire. Someone goes alight so you pat them down while too more catch fire as you took your eye off them. I'm doing ucas application, gcse year, starting a new secondary and hell with my youngest senco all at once

I had this. So broody when I saw a baby or a pregnant woman. We've got 2 kids and never would have coped with more so knew I would never want more. Couldn't help the broodiness though but it has passed. I am late 40s now and kids are 15 and 13. I would say it stopped when kids became more independent and I could appreciate having a bit more freedom.

It's super common in peri-menopause.

I do question the pp saying you're unlikely to conceive at 41 though. Lots of my friends had their second/third babies in their early 40s.

I think it's your body knowing that you're drinking in the Last Chance Salon, you are soon going to be infertile and so it seems our hormones do everything possible to get us up the duff!

Many women have had a "surprise" when they discovered what they thought were menopausal symptoms turned out to be a final pregnancy!

@DyslexicPoster yes it reminds me of American comedian Jim Gaffigan describing going from 4 to 5 kids
"You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby."

I’m the same. I have 2, older girl younger boy, and despite a horrendous pregnancy and even worse birth second time round, a tiny part of me would be thrilled to see a positive test (which won’t happen as DP is booked for the snip v shortly!).

I don’t think I actually want a third child. I think it’s just more sadness that I will be having no more babies. No more ttc, no more excitement when I see that second line, no more scans, no more pregnancy milestones and no more births. No more buying cute tiny baby grows and being fussed over as a pregnant woman or new mum.

It’s such a special time and it feels very final to never do it again, particularly as I’m a young mum by today’s standards and closing the door in my early 30s feels strange. So many of my friends are yet to do all this.

But - I’m excited for the next phase. Focussing on my career, getting rid of the clunky baby stuff, having a little more time for beauty and feeling more like myself again. Being able to take 2 slightly older children on holidays and ski trips, taking them to family/friend parties and letting them go off and play while I get drunk chat. Watching their personalities and interests develop and supporting them in that. Not being on red alert constantly for the sound of crying in the night, or following them round the house to make sure they don’t injure themselves or get up to something they shouldn’t. Not having to bring all the kit everywhere I go. Being able to sit out with a drink in the summer knowing they’re playing somewhere but fine and they don’t need checking on.

I had a sterilisation but still have lots of urges of wanting to get pregnant. I do think it's just biological and hormonal. In reality I know I'd hate it but I still get these feelings quite often.

Sounds like the last alarm going off on your biological clock telling you, 'it's now or never'.

I'm 39 and have 2 very young DC. If I'd started my family earlier then I'd have liked to have had a 3rd but as is, I have no desire to start again from scratch at 40.

I do agree as I conceived immediately with baby number 3 aged 39. We decided to try for another and, bang, pregnant. I don't actually know for sure if I'm in peri but my cycles are getting a little longer (by a few days) and my hair has started getting really greasy, I've been getting BO like never before and other random symptoms. I do think that I would get pregnant easily enough if i wanted to. I only stopped breastfeeding a few months ago too. The door is however closing on that phase of life and I'm finding it strange. I don't feel like, wow: I'm getting my freedom back soon! I'm thinking, oh- it's all over, the pregnancy, the birth announcements, breastfeeding, maternity clothes, etc. It's a new chapter that I think has come on me quite suddenly cus my kids are all quite little. The oldest is 8. I don't feel like time has moved on much since I was a newlywed TTC in my early thirties, but it has, and I'm strangely shocked.

Yes to everything

I get it, DH does not want any more, I know that practically it would be really stressful if I had another one. I love my three but I miss the baby years, I am so much better at parenting babies and toddlers than I am older children too, I need to remember this baby would grow up too.

I was thinking about those times I did a pregnancy test and they were positive.

My wedding day was OK, stressful but everything went well and I was just relieved it all went according to plan. It wasn't the happiest day of my life or anything. The actual births of my kids were gory and I was out of it with all three.

But seeing the second line...that immense sense of excitement, shock, surprise, joy...or carrying that marvellous secret around for weeks. The shock and delight in other people's faces when I told them...everything about those first few months was just the happiest times of my life
They felt so full of promise. I also loved waddling around and that sense of wonder of just who was inside there!

And I mean, having the baby is great of course, but for me that was always beset with horrible recoveries, stitches here, there and everywhere, blood transfusions, anaemia, bleeding nipples, excruciating latches, anxiety about whether the babies were gaining anough weight, the sleepless nights, the exhaustion...those things aren't what I miss, but the sense of wonder that this new life has actually started in my body!-well, I miss that. Nothing could really substitute that feeling.

I'm just sounding off.

And I am so glad that I got to experience it three times, when I know not everyone does. I know that. I really do, and I just don't know how to process these feelings, when I know I'm so blessed.

@Faradalla just be understanding of yourself and know that it's our biology. We don't have control over our feelings and urges. It doesn't mean you don't appreciate your children or how blessed you are. We are mammals and our natural instinct is to reproduce, it's our basic brain and our reason and intellectualism is layered over that.

Do you think part of it is wanting to try again for a much less stressful birth/recovery?

Thank you. I saw someone post a similar issue on Mumsnet and I clicked on it as soon as I read the title. It was just full of people telling the OP to be grateful for the kids she had and not be so insensitive to people who can't have children. I kind of feel guilty for feeling like this.

Same. 41 and my third is 3 in the summer. I saw a newborn today and I couldn't stop looking. I ask my DH every day if we can have another baby 🤣

Realistically, I know it wouldn't be the right decision. So I'm trying to focus on getting fitter again and carving out some time for me again.

I would be absolutely ecstatic if we had an accident though!

No, I mean that was true for my second. My first birth was traumatic and while the other subsequent two were grim, they weren't traumatic and I don't have any emotional attachments to them. My second birth was very healing emotionally. I don't think I'd have an easier time with breastfeeding fourth time around...I found it tricky for the first 6 weeks with them all. Hope that makes sense!

Oh I've played that out in my mind many, many times!

I have 4 children ranging from 4 to 20. The broody feeling has NEVER gone away. Even though I am 100% done (too old, too poor, too single, health not that great) I still get that pang of grief that I’ll never ttc, be pregnant and feel a baby kicking, and experience labour again.
my mum even jokes about getting me a reborn doll 😂

its just one of those things I’ve learned to deal with. It’s not constant and I’m hoping the menopause will get rid of (I’m peri at the moment and it feels a bit worse)