Being a bridesmaid with a 4 month old baby

[decaffeinated]

Having just read the thread about what to do with a 4 month old baby, I'm in a bit of a dilemma about whether to accept being a bridesmaid to one of my best friends.

I'm due to have my baby in a couple of weeks, and she is getting married in August. She has asked whether I would like to be her bridesmaid. I would love to be, but right now, don't feel quite able to commit to an answer.

She would like all her bridesmaids to stay with her the night before her wedding (which I think sounds great!), but I'm planning on breast feeding so wondered whether realistically I can do a night away from bubs by that point?

Also, she wants an answer now-ish, so she can choose dresses, and I'm not sure how my figure will be then, or what size I'll be, or whether my boobs will leak into the dress!

And then, she would like full attention on the day, which I envisage being a little bit difficult when bubs is going to be there (although, looked after by DH).

Does this sound like a manageable day with a 4 month old baby, or should I decline, and just go to the wedding day en famille? She has said she won't be offended if I'm not her bridesmaid, but as her wedding's only going to happen once in a lifetime, I feel I want to be there for her.

I so don't know what to expect with my little arrival, or how I'll feel, I think that's why I'm having a dilemma, but time's ticking on, and I need to give her an answer sooner rather than later.

I got married when DS1 was just 4 months old so it is do able (just)

Your boobs will have stopped leeking by then, so that shouldn't be a problem. I did stay in a hotel over night, without experssing, which was hell. I had to run home to feed DS to get rid of the excess milk.

I did feed him once during the day, which was a pain, as nobody stayed with me ,and I couldn't get my dress back on.

I went to a friend's wedding when DD2 was four months old - not as a bridesmaid - just a guest and still found it really hard. The baby was really unsettled and wanted me all the time - she was out of her routine, tired, grumpy and I had stupidly worn a dress that was really difficult to breast fed in!!

Sorry if this sounds really negative but personally I wouldn't consider it.

I was in a similar position for my bf. I discussd it with her and in the end organised the hen night and was her official witness - She felt i was an important part of the day , but didn't need to compromise her plans, or my dd's needs

I disagree with hanaflower, if she is really one of your best friends then the most important thing will be that you accept the role, even if it means not getting everything according to her game plan.

"she would like full attention on the day"- not sure if these are your words or hers but if hers it sounds as if she is suffering from a touch of the bridezillas! Presumably you are not expected to be at her side from beginning to end?

I was bridesmaid to my best friend when DD1 was 3 months (and incidentally we had to fly to Prague for the wedding!) We stayed in the same hotel as her and had an evening out the night before (I left DD with DH and a bottle of expressed milk) Admittedly I did not stay out all night but that surely shouldn't be a non-negotiable point.

The dress point can be got around too, dresses can usually be altered and you can find underwear, pads if necessary to deal with any leakage. My friend just gave us a colour scheme and some money to find ourselves something that we liked AFTER the baby was born (although I recognise this is a VERY unusual and chilled approach).

I guess it depends on how close you are and what her true expectations are. I would be devastated to think my BF would decline to be a bridesmaid for that reason. Why not tell her your precise concerns and see how she reacts? If she doesn't have her own DCs she probably has not given much thought to the points you are worried about.

gosh amazed to find myself in a minority of one (first time ever on MN!)

I wouldn't do it
it is way too much pressure to think about a dress fitting when the baby is 4 months
you might not want to stay in the hotel the night before
she most likely won't mind you saying no but she wants you to feel included which is lovely of her

Thanks for your thoughts!

I'd want to be able to give her the special attention she deserves on her wedding day, so I am erring on the side of saying no, as I can see it might be difficult to be able to...

Didindan, that sounds like you reached a good compromise - my friend has already asked another of her bridesmaids to organise the hen night (which will be focussed around going out for cocktails, and partying late into the night...), and even for that, I'm wondering how easy it will be for me to go to, as bubs will only be about 8/12 weeks when that happens.

I know she'll be understanding, I just feel a bit sad.

I'll defninitely have a chat about what possible other help I might be able to offer her on the day or in the preparations for the wedding...

decaffeinated- you might be interested to note that I did not go to the evening part of the hen do (cocktails, partying etc) as I| found this LESS do-able than the wedding day itself!

sorry, that came out wrong- it was meant to act as encouragement for the wedding day part, not discouragement for the hen!

Pendulum, good advice - I think talking to her to see how 'bendy' she can be is the best next step!

She's cool with me potentially not being there for the duration on the hen, and I think that once the plan's been made for it, I can work out how easy it will be to get along to one part of it.

She hasn't got kids, and has admitted that she's sure she'd understand my position better once she has them.

I totally understand what she's saying about wanting full attention (her words) even if it is a little demanding, and love her for being honest! I don't think I would have wanted bridesmaids who were busy looking after their kids, and not paying me any attention on my special day.

I guess keeping talking to her about it to work out something where we both feel happy is the best thing to do...

It is really hard to know ahead of time about having a baby, but I presume your DH/DP will be there to care for your baby. As long as the baby is wiling to accept expressem milk from a bottle, it will should be possible. Do you need to stay over the night before? If you left your baby straight after their morning feed things might be easier. Just bear in mind you will need to empty your boobs at some point (by wxpressing or feeding) during the day. At that point, one of the other bridesmaids can provide her with all the attention she needs. I'd say go for it.

I would basically chat to her as you have on here and explain your concerns and ask if any of her wishes are negotiable (eg: staying with her the night before). If not then it might be best to decline and explain why

my sister was my bridesmaid when my nephew was six weeks old: i wouldn't have missed it for the world and neither would she. BUT....
i certainly wouldnt have insisted on her undivided attention all day, nor staying overnight if it was away from the baby as if you are feeding and its not sleeping that could be tricky.
dresswise we went for empire line dresses so that if she was still quite big after the baby it wouldnt show (four months on if you are bfeeding you wil probably be pretty normal sized tho) and make sure either the dress has straps/neckline that would cover a nursing bra, which tend to be chunkier than normal bras, or you have something pretty like a wrap or bolero thingy to put over the top of it. we also both cheerfully accepted that anything could/would go wrong on the day (especially as my 2yo niece was also a bridesmaid...) but that it wouldnt matter, so long as i was marrying the man i loved with the people i loved around me.
if your dp is going it will also be a lot easier but even if not, weddings are usually stuffed full of doting middle aged women who are more than happy to take the baby off your hands. so that bit's easy.
you certainly can do it but she needs to be flexible, and work out which is more important - that you are there on her big day? or that her day runs EXACTLY as planned even if it means excluding one of her best friends?

I had a very similar experience which i need advice on.

I have a very close friendship group of 4 (including me). We go out near enough every weekend together, go on holidays together etc. We were like sisters! We have been a very tight friendship group for the past 8 years. One of my friends within the group is getting married abroad this year which we were all very excited about!

Initally, i thought my partner was invited as both the bride and groom knew him and also all of our other friends partners were going. I was told he wasnt invited because he didnt know anyone! Although it upset me, myself and my partner worked it out and agreed for me to go with the other two girls as a holiday.

Before booking the holiday, i felt very rushed and pressured to book the hotel where the wedding was being held however, i couldnt see the rush as it was well over a year in advance.

However, unlike me, the other two girls was asked to be bridesmaids. At the time when i was told she picked the other two except me, i felt i handled it really well and said i understood. However, this deeply hurt me! I understood it was her decision and it was her wedding day however, i was deeply hurt and deverstated that i knew everything in our friendship group had changed. I felt like the odd one out. I knew that when going out on a weekend it would be awkward as I wasnt involved in the wedding planning etc.

I spoke to the bride and the bridesmaids about this but at the time, they said i was bitter and that i shouldnt feel like this. They couldnt see why i was deeply hurt. I wasnt jealous that i wanst a bridesmaid, i was hurt because i felt different and i saw myself as different. I couldnt understand how they could do that to me, knowing the 4 of us did things together all the time.

I knew after the girls wanted to quickly book the hotel because they were chosen as bridesmaids however, non of them asked me before hand how i felt about it.

Since then i havent been myself around them. Even though its been a while since the decision was made, i cant get rid of the hurt that i feel. Now whenever they talk about the wedding or hen night i find it very difficult to talk about. Its not that i dont want to talk about it or feel excited, i just cant!

For the past year ive had doubts on whether to go to the wedding or not as me and the bride have drifted apart. I just want things back to the way they was before. But now i just feel lonely and the odd one out.

Is it right to feel like this? What do i do?