Husband has no patience and a short temper

[VWd]

My husband has always had no patience in situations where things have gone wrong, bad traffic etc and I continually ask him to stop it when he erupts often over the most minor thing. I used to be able to just block it out although it has ruined a few nights out, holidays etc from him taking one of his strops over nothing. He’s not violent or anything, just shouts and goes on. Since having a child he’s been okay with the baby stage but our toddler is now nearly 3 and he just cannot cope with him at all. He is hard work and it’s very full on but I deal with it all week by myself. He’s particularly bad at getting clothes/jackets on and is really picky with who puts him to bed, who helps him etc (will have a few minutes of running away crying/lying on the floor if it’s not how he wants it). I’m very patient with him and he calms down quickly if you just stay calm. My husband will go into one of his own little tantrums at the same time saying I’ve to deal with him (despite having done it all week when he’s not there) 😑 He is constantly complaining about things but never doing anything to actively help sort them. I do all of the cleaning and laundry alongside working from home and it’s more hassle than it’s worth to get him to help with anything like that. He does his basic jobs like the bins. He constantly says the place is a state or he’s so miserable because of how awful our life is (usually to do with our child kicking off). We have a healthy toddler, who yes can be hard work at times but we’re so lucky 🤷🏻‍♀️

This morning it’s just hit breaking point. I can’t take his constant outbursts anymore (my husband’s that is)! Is there a way to ever get him to stop? I made him look into counselling or something for it once but he said he phoned the doctors and they told him it wasn’t something they could help with. I don’t want to split up with him and he is a good dad (when he’s calm) but I refuse to let my little boy grow up thinking that’s how you should behave 😞

It sounds like he has stayed true to form , not everyone has patience and I don’t think you can expect him to change.

what attracted you to him in the first place? Hold onto this. He may just not be designed to be a toddler dad but really comes into parenting when your child gets a bit older.

you can either ride it out or leave but he will be influencing your child no matter what.

Don't think you can change him. This isn't in response to your 3yo, he has always been like this.

Your child will get less difficult. One of mine is 3 and he could make a stone scream in frustration. But then you have the teenage years....

You can't change him if he doesn't want to change. You just need to consider how you deal with that.

You’d DH is in ‘child ego state’. So you have two toddlers to deal with who need help and support to regulate their emotions. I couldn’t be doing with that and would request that the giant man baby gets some support from parenting classes.

What’s the point of him?
A shit parent, a burden in the household, badly behaved and a misogynist who thinks it’s your job to do the chores. A tantrumming, nasty man was never going to radically change into a great parent.

If he’s neurodivergent then it’s on him to get diagnosed and not impact his kid.
Can you explain how autism would make a man erupt, strop, shout, have constant outbursts, complain, and do absolutely fuck all? I don’t think they’re symptoms.
Anyway OP, since you want to keep this shitty man around, no, no one can change another persons behaviour. Good luck with that.

You knew he was like this and chose to have children with him anyway - you can’t expect him to suddenly change.

Your choices are put up with it or leave I’m afraid.

Stop blaming sheer bad behaviour on being on the autism spectrum! Nothing in OP's post suggests that her h may be ND. It's bloody annoying and ableist.

I couldnt live like this. You do all the chores and have to manage his behaviour around the toddler. No thanks. I would suggest counselling and seriously think about leaving him. Don’t have another child with this man. Your child will be damaged by having to walk on eggshells.

What he is doing is clearly successful. He doesn't have to be a father, or a partner or take adult responsibility for managing a household.

Things clearly work only if you're walking on eggshells or doing everything single thing and he then claims or is awarded the accolade of "a good dad" but this is likely under a narrow set of conditions imposed by him.

You are not equal. You are servicing him with housekeeping, nannying and sex as well as financially contributing. He has no incentive to mature his responses.

Your call. You either change it, however you decide, or you suck it up.

Can you get some outside help?
Cleaner....or babysitter to come in and give you a reprieve? It's a really tough and intense time of life. Perhaps he would agree that his behaviour isn't helpful and if it's hard for him to cope with the toddler demands or change himself he could find a way of getting house stuff done and ease your burden by paying for it!

Another day, another shit man being defended by his wife as ‘a good dad, though’, when he is anything but.

@Snowdogsmitten
''Another day, another shit man being defended by his wife as ‘a good dad, though’, when he is anything but.''

Exactly!

This is not a healthy environment for a child to grow up in.

This man is not a good father or partner.

He is an immature little bully.

he is a good dad (when he’s calm)

How on Om's earth can you put those phrases together in one sentence?

He is not a "good dad" if you are all on egg shells to keep him calm. He's a bully who either cannot manage his own temper like a normal adult or he's manipulative and using anger as a method of control. If its the former, does he accept he has anger issues and needs help to address them? If not then he is the latter.

In either case you can't stop your child learning that this is how men behave from the DH and that women should pacify and pussyfoot around them from you. Your choices are - he gets help with anger management and makes serious changes or you split up or your DC learn that men are entitled to control by temper tantrum and women comply.

Which do you choose?

Well his got you well trained hasn't he op. I feel sorry for your child being exposed to this behaviour. It won't end well if you allow it to continue. You will need to end the marriage if you want to protect your child. No amount of talking and pleading with your husband will change the very core of his character. Sorry to be blunt.

I have a father and a exh who were the same and I can tell you that no amount of you trying harder, getting your child to behave better or treading on eggshells will ever be good enough for them. They will not always be irritated by everything and everyone around them. Don't spend your whole life trying to fix him op. Your child can't get away from this situation but you can.

Meant to say they will always be irritated

I don’t understand why people are being so stroppy with op.

She’s living with anger at home and certainly doesn’t need to be subjected to brusque treatment on here.

It’s not her fault her dh is angry and impatient. She has come on here for support, not to be blamed by everyone. And this thread is her venting and trying to work out what to do so have some empathy fhs.

And I hate it when people say “he can’t be a good dad when” Sorry but even murderers can be very charming sometimes. And relationships are complicated not black and white and clear cut especially when emotions such as love are involved.
And inevitably on threads like this, you only hear about the bad side of someone.

Nonetheless op this sounds like a horrible and stressful way to live for you and your child. A lively toddler can cause a lot of disruption in a relationship but your dh’s behaviour is totally out of line. He’s taking his stress out on you and your child and it’s not right or fair. He also sounds very negative and critical.

I think this is about you laying down a boundary (a boundary being about what you yourself will find acceptable moving forward).

I think you need to get him to treat this issue seriously either by going to parenting or anger management classes or both. Depression and anxiety can manifest as anger and negativity so it’s worth going back to the gp as well.

So I would get a baby-sitter, and take your dh somewhere neutral like a park or a cafe and talk to him very calmly and clearly and say that this current state of affairs can’t go on. Warn him that you need to have a serious talk.

Initially I would not be accusatory. I’d ask if anything was bothering him and gently seek information about why he is so unhappy and does he think he could do with some help?

Point out the good things about your life and challenge some of his complaints.

Then I would get a bit more business like and give him three concrete examples of how he behaved poorly towards your ds and you.

Then use the “I” statements and say that you are discussing this because you feel it’s getting to the point where you love him but you won’t be able to continue the relationship unless things change and he takes responsibility for his moods and his behaviour and seeks help. And how you are worried that his moods will affect your little boy and that you want him growing up with a dad who is gentle and patient.

I guess his initial reaction will indicate whether he is willing to work on himself or not.

Good luck op 💐💐💐

You could be describing my father in this post. He has the shortest temper and will explode at just about anything. My mother has tiptoed around him my whole life and as a result my sister and I did the same. We were terrified of him, our children don't like to go to him because he's just the same so we keep a distance.

As an adult I carry a lot of childhood trauma from him. Fear of making loud noises, I'm a massive people pleaser, i feel
guilty for doing things for myself, im always on eggshells around him. To this day in a restaurant i sit there anxious that his food will take too long to come or he wont like it, we have left many times because of his outbursts.

You may be able to handle it but it's going to scar your child. I went low contact with my parents last year after he blew up at me and threw me out of his house while I was heavily pregnant. I hold my mother just as accountable because shes enabled him all these years rather than defending her children

I came on here to echo the point made by @MyPurpleHeart I grew up with a similar - sounding father and it was horrible. My father was the sort that could have started an argument in an empty room.... always impatient...all us kids and mum quietly waiting for his temper to erupt again.

It has affected the adult I have become in a negative way.

Your DP sounds like how my DP used to be. He was sufferring from undiagnosed depression and really strruggled to process anything in a psotive light. His cup was always 'half empty' and had little to no patience for anything.

I managed to convince him to go and see his GP - Since being diagnosed and given medication he is a new person - all of this went away.

Its really easy to sit there and slag him off for his behaviours, but there is always a cause. Hopefully he gets the help he needs x

I also should of mentioned - my DP was also diagnosed with OCD regarding his thoughts, like your partner he could not let something go, and mixed with the depression it would fester into something much bigger than it should of been.

@Whatarethethoughtsthatsurroundyou how rude of you to chastise other posters. Of course it’s the vile mans fault he chooses to be how he is. OP knew he was like this and picked him as a father to her kid, sadly.

Me, and other posters have been ruined by males like this as our ‘fathers’-living in fear and walking on eggshells, having cortisol flood our developing brains leads to destroyed mental health, addictions, panic attacks, low self worth, hypervigilance, fawning, and countless other problems. The kid doesn’t have a choice, and is dependent on someone keeping them safe and prioritising them over some shitty man. He can sign himself up for a little course or see his doctor if he cared in the slightest.

I agree with others this is no way for you to live and it can be really damaging to your child.

I think you need to think of this as a moment in your relationship when things must change, if you are to stay together, and he needs to realise how serious his anger and outbursts are.

It can often be related to how their childhood was, but it is still no excuse.

You probably need to start the ball rolling by finding out all you can about what treatments/services are available. Perhaps also google the harm it causes. Some other posters have graphically given their own sad experiences. It may be that you have to pay privately. If that’s the case,then think not about what it costs, but what it is saving you from having a bad relationship or separation.

Id also keep a journal for a while so if he says it’s not that bad, you have examples at your finger tips. We often put up with stuff that we won’t put up with for our children.

Reframe this as an opportunity to make you and your child’s lives so much better. How your husband reacts when he is given proof of how much damage his behaviour is causing and what possible solutions are will tell you everything.

Best of luck. I have also had to walk on eggshells. Anger is a good way of making you the one with no power in the relationship.

Thanks, I have suggested before that he could have depression. He isn’t typically depressed day to day if he’s in a good mood though but he doesn’t seem to grasp how lucky he is and how much more unlucky so many people out there are. He just moans about the same silly things over and over and doesn’t seem to actually be able to see past it so definitely could be depressed

My DP was EXACTLY the same. I use to try and tell him to look at all the positives we have and not focus on what we don’t have. My partner would fixate on something (how he hates the way the UKs turned out with the government etc) and would moan about it constantly, would not be able to get passed it (which is where the OCD kicks in).

all of it has now stopped, sure there are bad days but no more than me. Try your best to push him towards a GP appointment, my partner has openly said many times it’s changed his whole life.