MIL final straw

[Bluebells81]

We have always had a tricky relationship with my MIL. To cut her slack she has some MH problems caused by a traumatic childhood. However she is rude and unreasonable, has stolen small items from our house and expects us to give her money while refusing to get a job, among other things. She argues constantly with my DH. I avoid direct contact - blocked on SM etc.
We reduced our visits to a trip to her house every 8-10 weeks. We thought this was the right balance between getting distance without abandoning her.
Her latest 'trick' is to ask our eldest DC (8) veiled questions seemingly to find out if anyone is abusing her! Our action was to never leave the DCs on their own with MIL. She never asks these questions when we are present.
Then last week she started a new tack... 'is daddy being nice to you?' and does 'Daddy still help you have a shower?'. She said to us that she though it was not appropriate for my DH to be washing his daughters.
She makes me feel sick with her insinuations. I am also completely at a loss as to how to deal with this. Should I just tell her outright adult to adult that she is being inappropriate and has to stop? Do we just reduce visits and get her out of our lives?
Our DCs love her very much and would be heartbroken not to see her. We are also her only family (apart from a brother who lives miles away and no longer talks to her). But I think it is starting to be not in their best interests to see her any more. Any advice would be useful.

This wouldn’t actually bother me- but I agree that they mustn’t be left alone with her even for a minute.

Can you see it as anxiety rather than malice?

When the DC aren’t there, you can tell MiL that you follow the advice from NSPCC about keeping them safe, the DC know the pants rule and who to talk to if they are worried or afraid, and that they know not to keep secrets with grown ups.

Maybe she’ll back off when she knows your dcs are protected in a way she wasn’t.

And there is a point at which they should be showering independently. Hopefully you have done some work preparing them for puberty, as that’s not far away now.

DH asked her to tell us exactly what was worrying her and why. But she clammed up and refused to talk about it with us. She only talks to the children (5&8).
Because of this I'm afraid I see it more as her finding a new way to 'get at' her son and cause a drama. I don't think she is genuinely concerned about her grandchildren at all and might actually cause harm. Especially if they then for example innocently say something to a friend or teacher eg 'my granny thinks my dad is hurting us' etc...
Also to be clear - they are in the shower on their own. DH just passes towels, dries the younger one etc...

Ok. That’s a bit different, then.
If you are sure it’s a deliberate tactic to stir, DH needs to tell her that every time she says something like that, you will skip the next visit.

You can set up a signal- a cough, say- to warn her she is edging towards unreasonable.

Then stand up and leave if she continues.

I’m assuming you already grey rock- so no one tells her anything she can use against you? It’s important the children gradually learn that she can’t be trusted with emotional things, too. I used phrases like ‘Granny doesn’t realise that/understand that…’.

Mine learned pretty early that all they needed to do was play act grannies and children and all would go well. Superficial but successful!

Every 8-10 weeks is more often than I see my DM and I love her!

I'd make the next visit 9-11 weeks, the one after that 10-12 weeks and so on until you are at Christmas and Birthdays.

... On leap years