Husband indifferent about ttc second child

[Steakpeppersauceandchips]

Our daughter is nearing 2.5, I’m just past 40 and he will be 43 shortly. I had a miscarriage in Dec and suspected molar pregnancy which I’m fortunate has been confirmed as non molar. I’m v keen to try again esp due to age and have had 1st period. We have just been on holiday and on last day I brought up second child and asked him to be honest with me. He used the word indifferent which is what he had said previously before we conceived prior to the mc - I had hoped that due to loss he might have warmed up to idea - just after it he did say he feels like something is missing now. He’s a great dad to our current daughter I might add. He said he would try again for my sake as he knows it’s what I want. He said he’s more worried now about things that can go wrong due to age and how that could affect our current life etc but at end of day he doesn’t need specific reasons I know. He also knows it’s up to him re contraception and I wouldn’t trap him. My heart sinks every time he uses a condom though. Not sure what I’m looking for, am just blurting it out. I’m going to let things settle for a few weeks and see what happens. Did anyone else’s husband/ partner feel the same and what was your outcome? I know I’m more than lucky to have the family I do have I just don’t feel done yet.

I'm so sorry about your loss 🤗. I do think his views are important and it sounds as though he is a bit fearful of the possible outcome - for you as well as the health of another baby? Would you be able to get your head round stopping at one? If he's 'indifferent' now then I'm not sure that's a good starting point. Good luck with whatever you both decide.

he’s been honest

and he’s right He said he’s more worried now about things that can go wrong due to age and how that could affect our current life etc but at end of day he doesn’t need specific reasons I know

So if he’s using a condom then surely that is more than being “indifferent”?

I think it's refreshing to see a man on here actually be responsible for his own contraception and be honest. It sounds like he would be maybe resentful if you had another.
Sorry for your loss x

I think he's made his feelings really clear. He wouldn't choose to have a second if it was his decision, but he's aware that you want one, and is prepared to support you in that. He's unlikely to change his mind, so you need to think about whether you really want another child, or whether you can see the benefits of stopping at one.

He sounds like a decent man who has been honest and now it's up to you. Don't expect him to suddenly become really keen! He is right to think that there are higher risks at your ages.

He is right to worry about the chances of things going wrong.

I think you know deep down he doesn’t want another.

Sorry for your loss. He’s not wrong about the risks.
If he isn’t that bothered I think you shouldn’t continue trying.

if he’s using a condom op

he is not “indifferent”

he doesn’t want another baby

It really would take me a while to come to terms with stopping at one however I would in time, I don’t want it to take over my life. I do totally see what he is saying and it’s up
to me to be responsible and say we will stop at one and enjoy our family as is. Definitely hard to accept but know that’s why I delayed bringing it up on hol as I knew what he was going to say.

Just as a continuation and to get it off my chest had a proper conversation when got home from holiday yesterday. Big realisation for me is that husband said l never clearly communicated that I wanted to try for a 2nd and he said in a kind way that I keep myself so busy with work, cleaning, life etc and don’t have a direct conversation with him but rather have it in my own head and pre decide what he thinks without discussing. He’s so right, can’t believe I’m only realising, I consider myself to be quite open but I spend a lot of time in own head probs for self preservation. I was also admanant for first year that wasn’t having another. How else should I expect him to feel. He said he wants to properly think it over for a week and we both agree and see each other points of view in having/ not trying for another. We will then have a discussion about it. I do make rash black and white decisions and jump back and forth so yday was very insightful for me. I will leave it with him now for a while and not force it and see what happens, difficult as I will find that but know he’s right.

Sounds like you had a good, open conversation OP. Keep communicating!

He said he would try again for my sake as he knows it’s what I want.

He did know you wanted a second OP

Admitedly I’m clutching at straws a bit.

So it clearly wasn’t an open and frank discussion

In your OP he very very clearly knows your desire for a second

is that husband said l never clearly communicated that I wanted to try for a 2nd

versus

He said he would try again for my sake as he knows it’s what I want. He said he’s more worried now about things that can go wrong due to age and how that could affect our current life etc but at end of day he doesn’t need specific reasons I know. He also knows it’s up to him re contraception and I wouldn’t trap him.

He is blowing smoke Op

Yeah I know :-/

ok because in your update you very much have the impression there had been a mix up and your poor husband had had no idea you wanted a second

Hmm, this is a good point. Also, if you had a miscarriage in December, does that mean you were TTC at that point? Or was it a contraception failure? As @regenerate says, your husband can't really claim he had no idea you wanted another if you had actually already started TTC?

My DH was similar with our second. Said he was happy with one so would probably be happy with 2 but had no urge for another. He was happy to try for my sake. I sat with that for about 2.5 years, we discussed it maybe 3 times, his feelings never changed. We had a final conversation, I decided to take him at his word that he was happy to leave the decision entirely to me, we agreed to stop contraception and had DS. He is a brilliant dad, loves our DS so much and very hands on. He feels same now about a possible DC3, completely take it or leave it attitude!! I have no strong feelings for a third either so I'd say that's us done.
Maybe going against the grain but if he's a good father to DC1 and says he's happy to have another for your sake, I'd take him up on it.

Prior to miscarriage I naively thought it was too early in my cycle to conceive. That’s why now protection is being used all the time. Oh he does know It’s what I want, I shouldn’t have given that impression in update, I am no doubt over analysing the conversation and cherry picking the bits I want to hear. @2018citrine your post gives me hope however I am trying to stay realistic, his insistence on protection should tell me all I need to know. My hormones are likely screaming at me too as am that bit older and know don’t have time. I am back to work tomorrow so won’t have too much time to obsess about it all.

I think he's being a bit unfair to you OP and giving mixed messages- insisting on condoms doesn't fit with what he's actually said. I fear you'll resent him if you never have a second and it gets too late to try. If he's saying he would try for your sake then I'd push for that. You matter here.

Yes I know he’s partly saying bits of what I hope to hear and also being safe too, he also said the words - you will probably get your way which doesn’t encourage me to force it either. He’s a good man and it’s not wrong of him to say but he doesn’t want to give up all his free time to family and he said he knows thats selfish. I’m not sure selfish is the right world, honest atleast, and I’d rather he said it than not. I know I’d harbour a bit of resentment for sure as I already am a bit but id have to learn to live with it. I’ll be patient and give him the week and have another conversation again and let use know. Appreciate the space to get it out of my system.

has he had his think about it yet Op?(despite already knowing very clearly you wanted a second for sometime)

I’m giving it bit more time without mentioning it do give him a bit of space but I will update this when it’s talked about again. I’m away this wend so that’ll keep me from bringing it up too

So obviously I raised the topic last night. I’d been away to a friends birthday and spoke to my mum this weekend and got a lot of perspective on things. My mum agrees husband has valid points and she said I need to look at what I can cope with as she doesn’t live close by and we solely rely on nursery. We also can’t afford double nursery fees. I also am very aware am getting no younger and want to have the energy and headspace to be there for one that is here. I’m almost 41 not 31, mum was done by 27, I know things have changed and can’t compare but can see what she’s saying too, she can see both sides. I already find work and workday evenings a lot although I know everything changes with time. My friends said take a breath, we have had a rough few months and just give it all time to settle. I was letting it take over every waking thought. So I said to husband last night about above and we are going to let things sit for 3 months and revisit. I am more open to sticking with one child and do wonder if most of my reasoning is down to paying attention to social pressure and what the norm is rather than what we can cope with mentally and financially. He said he honestly isn’t ruling it out and is happy to revisit, he has been thinking too and we had a good afternoon yday and he said he could let the thought of a second enter his head, and did concede easier to do that on good days. Anyway am rambling, so on hold for now and possibly for good and I’m learning what will be will be. I have a lovely family now and am going to enjoy my daughter as she’s at a lovely stage and getting more words everyday and needs a present mum and dad.