I feel like I've neglected my baby for their first year

[OnCanvas]

I have met their needs, I've breastfed them for a year, given plenty of affection, responded to their cries etc and I think I convinced myself that was enough and I've really neglected them in other ways. They are very behind with their milestones, they have no speech/understanding that I can see and no gross motor skills beyond sitting.

I watched a video about red flags around this age, Development wise, and it was things like not playing peekaboo or pat-a-cake, and I suddenly thought I've not taught them that. It said they should recognise key words like car, cup, ball. I haven't taught them any. I've not really played much, when they play it gives me a chance to sort of get on with things I guess.

I'm worried I've spent too much time cleaning the house, food shopping, going back and forth to school drop offs, on my phone etc and I haven't actually taught them anything, helped encourage their development, and that I've caused them to now be behind. Can I fix this? I'm going to make a conscious effort to put my phone away and get on their level and try and model things, talk to them more, encourage them, but I'm so scared a year of not doing so will be too much to come back from.

Have you talked to your baby? Read stories to them? Sang to them? Played with their feet or tickled their tummy when changing them/dressing them? Any and all interaction is good. Is doesn’t matter if you teach them ´peekaboo’ or if you’ve played your own made up little games with them. Or if your older kids or husband or your mum or MIL has.
All the milestone numbers are averages. Have a chat to your health visitor if you can about the range of normal and whether there’s anything concerning in your baby’s development or nothing considered worrying yet.
You can definitely up your interaction if you feel like you haven’t been doing enough. Books are great because they give you a focus and bring new topics into the interactions.

Where did you watch this video? I’d be very cautious about believing these red flags etc as every baby is different.

You said that you have met their needs and given all the affection etc, which is very responsive of you. Babies learn a huge amount from observing you, so by doing every day jobs they will have learned things about the world.

By all means put your phone away, but think about the small things you have taught them. I’m guessing they are eating solids (learning to use cutlery/feed themselves)? Go to you when they are upset (learning you provide comfort and that they can be comforted)?

Try not to worry, just focus on quality interaction and it will come

Can you briefly outline what they can do OP? Those online milestone things can really vary, they may not be delayed at all.

It seems you have done a lot already. And you also have a house and other kids to care for. And if there is a delay, I believe you can still catch up, but please ask a HV or GP if there is indeed a delay...

Nevertheless, easy things to do (and I think it is likely that you will be doing some already): sing when changing diapers, talk about what you see when out and about, point at things and talk about it or let them point and talk about it, show the groceries and name them before putting it in the cart, read books at certain times (and choose books that they find interesting: with flaps, textures, pictures or drawings, try to see what 'clicks'). They can sit, so maybe try to roll a ball. Introduce some blocks and play together. Maybe have them playing in the high chair while they can see you prep dinner, tell them what you are doing. If you talk to your kids a lot and read a lot and sing a lot of nursery rhymes, this stimulates their language skills!

Does your child have enough free playtime at the floor (and possibly outside as well) to stimulate their gross motor skills?

Please don't panic, every child develops at their own pace, ask a specialist and see what you can do extra.

You say ypuce been affectionate, so I bet you've talked to them. They also aquire language when you talk to others e.g. siblings. By all means do put your phone away, but don't panic. You could teach them to understand those words pretty quickly. Get out some picture books for 5 minutes a day.

Gross motor will develop as long as you don't restrict them. They'll crawl/walk according to their own timetable as long as they aren't always strapped into devices or looking at screens. I bet you plonk them in the floor with the freedom to move?

Motherhood was so much easier when there wasn't SM!

You haven't failed your baby at all. They'll be fine. You must be chatting to them as you're doing things? "Come on sweetie let's go to the shops" etc.

We had no comparison in my motherhood days and so things, as I say, we're so much easier!

You don't need to actively 'teach' your baby these things.

But if you mean, you've never played peek-a-boo, don't talk to them much, don't sing to them or read to them etc. then you have dropped the ball a little bit. It's definitely not too late to pick it up though! Talk, read, sing, engage. Put your phone down, worry less about cleaning. It doesn't need to be constant, free play is also very important, but you should be chatting to them most of the day, reading to them everyday, doing simple games like peek-a-boo etc at some point each day. If you have older children they can also play peek-a-boo/read to/sing to the baby.

TBH in my experience, it makes not a lot of difference.
Two kids, 14 years apart.
First one, basic needs were met, never stepped foot in a group, didn't read to her much, didn't sing nursery rhymes with her, no pat a cake, no peekaboo, didn't really know how to play with her. Met all her milestones.

The youngest, we go to groups, I sing, peekaboo, pat a cake, I read to him. We sing, I'm always talking to him. Trying to have eye contact, the house has gone to hell because I'm trying so hard to make him the one focus. He's been behind in some of his milestones, he walked late, at almost 2 his speech isn't where it should be, he says words. He has "good girl" (everyone, including him and Dad are good girls) "Dog" "not do" "Oh dear" "Oh, no!" "I do it" "Ball" "Dad" and "eat"- if he's force feeding me but on no other occasion ...won't say mum, won't say milk, won't say cup.
Rarely answers his own name and doesn't interact with other children. He goes to friends houses and groups, and beelines for toys, just ignores other people.

Some children just pick up on things that bit quicker, and some have entirely different skills sets that emerge earlier than others.

Try not to worry, it all evens out eventually.

Make sure you are facing them when you talk, they learn by seeing the shape your mouth makes when you make sounds. So, if you are reading a book, face them while holding the book up for them and then read. I made this mistake (covid baby plus PND), rectified it and DD is considered very articulate now. But making sure you are actually looking at a baby when speaking to them is very helpful.

You can also speak and sing while you are cleaning, I used to hoik DD around in her baby seat and chat to her about colours when sorting socks for example and say “oh no, these are different colours, I have one blue one and one black one, oh look these are the same, they match” etc.

Also describe what you are doing “lets go into the kitchen to make mum a cup of tea, lets boil the kettle first, lets put a teabag in the cup, now lets put hot water in” etc. Just google milestones and there should be ideas on-line about how to help your kid reach them.

When mine were babies I’d clean but not too much when baby awake to get most of time with baby.
Id get different objects out for them to play with, I’d talk to them
as if we were having a conversation. It sounds strange but I’d pause to allow them to ‘speak’ so they were getting an early understanding of turn taking.
Id go for Walks and talk about what we could see.

Its hard but put a limit on your phone when around your baby, its sad to see so many parents engrossed in their phone when with their children.

It's different with second+ babies. With our first, I taught numbers etc, but with our second, I kind of forgot to do anything special beyond reading books, because she loooooves books. She's picked up everything from watching us and her big brother though. She's learned very different things than her brother did, and excels in different areas like speech (he was very slow there). I do have to make a pointed effort to stop cleaning and start playing though sometimes, when I catch her filling the washing machine behind me while her brother and dad are playing. That's not a message I want her to learn at almost 2!

You've loved, breastfed (so presumably snuggled), cared for this baby. It's enough. Yes we can all do better and be more present, but that is not a neglected baby at all. They must be living in a home with other children to watch too, so are soaking it all in. Are they 1 now? Not moving or talking at 1 is fine, my first didn't talk by then, my second wasn't mobile.

Boys are slightly slower than girls and seem to need more socialisation to become sociable. Girls are better mimics and will therefore pick up things regardless. My daughter was a covid baby and I was a bit of a hopeless FTM, looking back I didn’t really do enough with her but she was cruising/talking/attention sharing by her first birthday. DS is 10 months and I’ve done a lot more with him, and although he’s picking things up and is pulling to stand/babbling/waving he’s ever so slightly slower than DD and seems to need more help to master things. So it could well be that OP, which is entirely fixable.