DS 9 no friends

[Justadapting]

Hi all,

DS 9 keeps coming home and saying he has no friends at school, he never gets invited to play dates or birthday parties ect and seems to always feel very low about it

I’ve spoke to school who say he does play with other children so don’t seem to think there is an issue.

can anyone give me any advice on how to navigate this/how to get help DS make friends or be more positive about his chances of making friends

thanks

Is there anyone he wants to invite to yours? How long had he been in the school?

Whats he like when he does play with others?

Maybe invite one or two of his class to play after school? Maybe three so its not too intense one on one. Do something like going to a trampoline park so they definitely have fun no matter what. I think kids often make friends while doing an activity.

Do you talk to other parents on the playground? I think this is really important personally in helping your kids build connections.

Also, invite a child for a playdate at yours, or say you'll take one of the others swimming or something.

Get him involved with extracurriculars and tell the person running it he struggles a bit socially, so that they can encourage interactions.

My son is like this but I have put an extreme amount of effort into creating friendships for him.
I invite children back to our house regularly and make sure we do something fun. He rarely gets invited back but that's ok.
I do a big party in the hope that he at least gets a couple of invites back.
I've pushed out of school activities. Cubs has been a big success and he has made some friends there.
It's exhausting at times but it means that he at least feels like he has a couple of pals.

Thanks for all your replies!

im so worried about him!

he has been at the school since reception, he’s a really kind hearted boy but can be full on.

I don’t get to speak to the other parents often as I don’t pick up or drop off at the gate becuase of work!

I’ve tried inviting people round but I think your right I need to put more into getting people round regularly for him!

Im looking into some clubs for him
but money is tight so just trying what I can.

When you say full on, what does that look like? Has this always been the case?

I've a social 10 year old but the 16 year old had ups and downs.

I'd definitely look at cubs as we only pay something like £15 a month for it. Also lots of opportunities for sleepovers and camps where they can really bond with other kids

Ask the teacher who is playing with the most and invite those kids around - bowling, ice skating or some activity so it’s easy to have a good time. Agree about the clubs thing. Wrack your brains about friendships you could develop outside of school, maybe with children of your own friends or children in the neighbourhood. This will just keep up his confidence that he can make friends.

Thanks everyone!

I’ve got my plan now! I’m going to have a word with the teacher to see what a school day for him looks like in terms of interactions with other kids and then go from there!

The teachers have always told me he is a lovely kind boy who is very sensitive so I think he takes any little comment to heart.

in terms of him being full on I mean if he is interested in something that’s allllll he will talk about or do which I think annoys people!

thanks again everyone im just such a worried Mumma!!

@Justadapting

It’s interesting that you think he annoys people by going on about his special interests, and that this could mean that he is struggling socially. Do any of your/DH’s family have an autism diagnosis? Might this be at play here?

No there isn’t a diagnosis on either side, though I’m wondering if it’s possible.

I just mean I think it might annoy becuase he doesn’t then take any interest in what they might like to do if that makes sense?

As a teacher, it really helps if parents ask questions about how they’re getting on socially via email so I have time to ask staff who are with them at playtimes. I take my breaks when the children do, so although I can give a detailed picture of how they behave in the classroom, my sense of their playtime friendships is less strong. You’ll get a much better answer if the teacher has the chance to talk to colleagues first. Also, there are things schools can do if things get desperate - we hold friendship clubs sometimes when a child is really struggling.

Could you gently discuss it with him? If I see my boys doing something that I would think wouldn't be great for them in a social context I might have a general non-specific chat with them remeniscing about "people I knew myself at school who were great but did go on a bit about certain things which was a bit annoying". Or you could say in a general way "the most fun and friendly people are the people who are interested in other people" He's 9 so he might pick up on it and think if that's something he does himself.

That's great advice and it’s something we’ve started doing the last few months so I’m hoping it will help him!

I struggled at his age and don’t want him to feel the same

@Justadapting Interesting: inflexibility and lack of interest in other’s games are also indicators that your DS might tend towards neurodivergence.

I’m a secondary teacher and we have supervised social time for children who are likely to struggle to establish friendships. I think that primary schools might do more work on this (but they’re so strapped for staff and resources, it’s an impossible task!).

If he’s interested you could enrol him in football or another team activity. Football is often relatively cheap. If you are on WhatsApp groups you could suggest lift sharing. Often I have other kids round as parents have to work or go somewhere or share lifts for convenience but the kids involved enjoy it and think of it as a play date!

If the full on relates to special interests then as others point out there may be social skill support needed.

Or he may have simply missed a step in his social skills. My eldest was a little bit like this. When we investigated it turned out it was an anxiety response because he felt a little lost.

With a bit of support the anxiety reduced and he felt it was ok to not "get" or like the latest fad. Within a term he was a different child.

The "full on" question was because a health professional said if it had have been more speaking over, lack of spatial awareness or not recognising play changed to less hands on physical play (not hitting) it was more likely to indicate N D. How the anxiety presented rang a bell, I hope everything goes well for him.

Thanks for the insight!! im going to speak to school anyway but does anyone know what or how I approach helping him with it if he is?

thabks so much everyone!

I would suggest organising an activity based playdate so there is a task.

It doesn't have to be expensive, park water or nerf guns, footie, etc. This was recommended for my son before we figured it out.

The idea was the task forms a common acceptable discussion topic and the engagement supports team building skills. I was like a deranged mad Max character walking to the park with a black bag of Nerf guns, frisbee.

I invited lots and today at 16 there is a gathering of the core group usually once a month for pool, cinema or food. So the remnants remained. I really hope it goes well for your son it is so challenging and frustrating.

Ok two things are jumping out at me here as a Year 4 teacher and DHT (and with only the limited information you've given, I might be totally wrong here, so ignore if none of this rings true OP).

1. You said that teachers have said he's a 'kind hearted but sensitive boy'. In my experience, some teachers try to sugar coat difficult truths (I'm not one of them as I think this can muddy the waters and confuse parents). However, when I read this comment in reports, or hear teachers use this to parents, it usually means that their child can be kind but also has difficulty regulating their emotions. Only you know if this is the case with your child though.

1. You say that your child fixates on a topic of conversation and this is all he wants to talk about. Again, this would fit with the above teacher comment about 'being sensitive' meaning that perhaps he is not attuning to others feelings and emotions.

A chat to the SENDCO wouldn't hurt here I think, just to go through your concerns and come up with a plan to support your son.