Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Has anyone else's ex emigrated, how has it affected your child, need some advice.

26 replies

rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 12:27

Ds,s dad is moving abroad, he's told him and we've had a brief talk about it but, the mum of one of his friends told me this morning that her son told her that ds was sobbing at school last week. I don't really know what to do for the best, am angry at ex because he's a lousy dad anyway, and I don't know what to say to help.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated but, I've got to disappear in a minute, will come back later.

OP posts:
talkingmongoose · 19/03/2008 12:32

Sorry, no real advice, but what a tosser. Is it somewhere sort of manageable, like France, or the ends of the earth?

Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 12:34

South Africa. So not round the corner.
He only sees him twice a year now and he only lives a mile away.
Didn't realise he was so upset and the mum was sworn to secrecy by her son but, she thought I should know.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 19/03/2008 12:40

yes but they were teenagers

he went to hongkong

and he comes back a couple of times a year

it sounds hard....will he get to go out there

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 12:41

Mine's a teen. Bit gobsmacked he was sobbing about it at school, haven't seen any sobbing here.

OP posts:
Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 12:42

Ex hasn't said afaik whether he's welcome out there, but I did say to him that he could go out there to visit.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 19/03/2008 12:44

oh so he would be able to go on a visit if his dad coughed up

prior to my exh move we had shareed residency so it was a big deal for my kids as they lived with him ahlf the time

they still have a good relationship with him tho

zippitippitoes · 19/03/2008 12:45

he has been out there about 5 or 6 years i think so ds was about 13 or 14

Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 12:47

Ds is 14, he idolises his dad but, it's complicated because his dad doesn't make an effort to see him. They make tentative arrangements and then he doesn't bother to contact ds and ds is reluctant to phone him because (in the past) when he's done that the ex has told him he's too busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 12:50

Haven't thought about the financial aspect of him going, ex doesn't pay maintainance anyway, so would assume if ds went we would probably pay for it.
Can't in all honesty see ex paying for it but, he may surprise me.

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 19/03/2008 12:51

ds and dd1 are very close to their dad

definitely missed him a lot

and i found it very hard too

maybe he will be persuaded to make more effort via email and texts

and have ds over for a three week trip once ayear

presumably exh is reasonably well off?

zippitippitoes · 19/03/2008 12:54

doesn't pay maintenance?

well in that respect i was fortunate we didnt have an official arrangement but i had to account for what i spent and then he sent it me to the exact penny

tho he has been very generous now since my dp left and lent me a large sum of money so i cant say that against him

i think you have to try and persuade him that he has ds over and contributes

Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 12:54

Yes I think he's doing ok, have never asked him. He used to make a half arsed attempt to give me money every month but the cheques bounced so often that I really couldn't be asked with the hassle any longer.
Ds does have a very good relationship with ex's parents though and they always make an effort to see him, he goes there quite regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 13:00

The maintenance issue is not really an issue anymore iyswim. we've managed fine without his money for 12 years (I did try to get him to pay up via the CSA years ago but because I was working and not claiming benefits they wouldn't help).
I have tried very hard to make him see how badly he treats ds re contact, but it just goes in one ear and out the other. So I have to repress my feelings in front of ds because obviously, I don't want him to think I think his dad is a total waste of space. I am finding it draining tbh. And I'm quite sick of watching ds keep getting rejected. I feel for ds, I really do but I'm running out of ideas on how to make this situation better for him, when really I think the sooner that ex, the better because then there will be an excuse for him not contacting ds regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 13:02

Should have put there the sooner ex leaves the better.

OP posts:
lou33 · 19/03/2008 13:04

exh went to thailand for 14 months , and came back in october

quite frankly i wish he hadnt

the kids coped better and i got less crap from him (tho lovely and quiet atm since my solicitor warned him off)

zippitippitoes · 19/03/2008 13:04

probably a bit different my situation ds was 11 when i left exh

and then like i say we did the shared care

ds is 20 in a couple of weeks

he goes to hk regularly he is going in april i think

Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 13:08

I've got to go now, but thanks for your input, all of you. Yes Lou33, am hoping that ds will cope better once he's gone. Just am shocked that he was upset in school by all this. I did ask him how he felt about it and he said 'not too good' but didn't seem to want to discuss it further.
Be back later.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 19/03/2008 13:16

I can't talk about my DCs but I can talk about DH. His dad left when he was quite small. He behaved very badly in one way and another, and was a very on-off father to DH and his sisters. But that did not stop DH missing him and idolising him. Even when he didn't see FIL for ages (he went to the States for about 5 yrs once) he still talked about him and imagined what it would be like to see him again.

If I'm honest IMO the lack of his father (or any father figure) has been the biggest influence on DH's life bar none. More than his mother, more than our relationship and more than having 3 children.

Original poster
rantinghousewife · 19/03/2008 19:31

Oh thanks for that Orm, if I may be so bold, can I ask, did your dh have any other male role models in his life? And do you think it's affected how he feels about his mum? Sorry if you don't want to divulge, will understand, just tell me not to be so cheeky.
He does have a male role model in the shape of my now dh, who I've been with since he was 5 and they get on ok, had their moments but by and large they get on fine.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 20/03/2008 09:29

No he didn't really. His mum never married again. I suppose there was his grandfather but he was too distant in age in many ways and he only saw him once or twice a year.

I hate to say it but although he loves his mum very much but has little time for her iyswim. Which makes me mad! He used to play the role of 'the man of the house' and was very protective to her and his sisters. But that changed when MIL let SIL's revolting bf move in with them and DH left home. All a bit messy

The odd thing is that he finds it hard to deal with DD - he's very soft on her and forgives her everything (not that she needs much forgiven) but he can be extremely hard on the boys.

vinhotinto · 20/03/2008 09:50

I don't know if this will help but my mum emigrated when I was 7 and to be honest it worked out well.

There was no arguing about how we were brought up or day to day issues, no arguing over who had us over Christmas etc as it was a given that my Dad had all this.

We saw my mum once a year and as we got older once every two years. It helps that my Dad is a pretty good Dad and I still have a fairly good relationship with my mum, I speak to her once a month or so.

I guess I was probably affected when she first went but can't really remember now. I think for me, not seeing her for a length of time actually gave me more stability than being passed here and there every week and then becoming a teenager, getting a job and the day to days of life meant that I didn't really think about her not being there.

The best bit of course is that when we did see her she spoilt us rotten - guilt trip I think.

I don't know how I would have been if she left when I was a teenager but I think it would have been the same, my own life took over and I didn't really miss what I didn't have

lou33 · 20/03/2008 18:56

ranting, i am sure he will be fine eventually, but it is a shock to him

i kept mine off school for a couple of days after exh moved out, the schools were fine about it

Original poster
rantinghousewife · 20/03/2008 20:26

Thanks for that Orm, just wanted some perspective from the other side of the coin, so to speak.
Lo

OP posts:
Original poster
rantinghousewife · 20/03/2008 20:30

Opps, not sure what happened there, posted for me!!
Lou, yes once the dust has settled, I hope he will be fine, he doesn't see him for months now and never seems to mention him when he doesn't, so hopefully with a bit of time, he'll find it easier.
Vinho, your post has gone a long way to making me feel better about the situation and interesting to hear another situation from the perspective of the other side iyswim.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
lou33 · 20/03/2008 20:37

i actually found they adjusted to not seeing him fairly quickly

the main problem now stems from when he is in contact, it unsettles dd1, she gets very emotional and argumentative, and starts picking on the younger ones

i think it is because he doesnt have a regular routine wrt contact, and it affects dd1 the most

the other 3 seem to take it all in their stride tbh

and dd1 usually settles down after a day of grief

though i have said to her if she continues to get so upset by contact with him, and takes it out on everyone else, then i will consider stopping her from seeing him for a while