Can’t be a parent anymore - advice needed.

[An2024]

Trigger warning - mental health crisis issues

hi everyone. Not looking for judgment just practical advice.
I had a baby with a man who really has treated me badly from the start. He wanted a child with me then dumped me the minute I got pregnant. I went ahead with the pregnancy as I thought I could do this alone. I always questioned him about this woman he worked with , turns out it was his girlfriend the whole time and he was actively trying to get her pregnant whilst knowing I was expecting. His gf told rang and told me this a year later. He said he’d support me during pregnancy and with kid but he left me 2 days after c section and blocked me. He was reported by midwife to ss after leaving me at such a vulnerable time. He came back after 2 weeks to see baby, then only saw her three times.

He doesn’t live in the uk so the plan was for me to move where he is but after finding out about his gf I’ve never wanted to move over there with him. He came back again this year to see our daughter and I really couldn’t tolerate being in the same room as him. I begged him to use a child centre but he refuses calling me manipulative for doing so. He says that woman isn’t his girlfriend and she’s a liar but I’m so messed up in the head over it that I can’t move past it. She told me he only got me pregnant to make her jealous so she would want him more and I was always gonna be left on my own with my child. He denies this ofcourse. He says he’s not with her they’re just friends but I’m always seeing them on social media talking to each other. She took him back multiple times although he had a baby with me. I tried to end my life last January because I couldn’t take it anymore. I feel used and can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

He has repeatedly told me how I make him feel disgusted and his gf also said he didn’t even want to touch me during the c section but the nurse “forced” him to hold my hand. That never happened , he held my hand seemingly of his own accord but this is just one of his many fake memories. He’ll tell me I’m beautiful sometimes and then tell me he wants nothing to do with me he only talks to me for my daughter. I’ve told him multiple times if that’s the case then don’t talk to me just use a parenting app but he refuses.

I want nothing to do with him anymore. I just feel like this is all one big trick where I’m being used to control his gf. However , devastatingly I feel like I can’t take care of my beautiful little angle anymore. I’m so mentally damaged and spend all my days crying. I’m traumatised. I’d never want her to go to him because he’s really not fit to be a parent but I don’t know what to do. I’m struggling with parenting her because my mental health is probably at the lowest it’s ever been. Kind advice would be very helpful. I have no family and no friends. Completely on my own.

I would go and see your GP or HV as a start, and ask if they can signpost you to relevant help.

I also just want to say - this man is a shit and it's not your fault. You absolutely can be a good mother to your baby, and be happy, and one day find someone worthy of you. It might not be easy right now, but you can get there.

Block him and never speak to him again. I'd probably move house if possible as well, so he doesn't know your address.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

Firstly, I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through and how badly you’ve been manipulated and treated.

it’s no wonder you’re struggling with parenting right now given what’s going on.

I would first start with speaking to your health visitor, GP, women’s charities for some support and guidance.

just because things feel this way doesn’t mean it’s how they will be forever. Even mums who are in amazing supportive relationships can feel this way so you are not alone.

if you feel you can, try attending local baby groups. You can probably find these by ringing your local council, searching on Facebook or asking in your local libraries and churches. There will be so many people you can reach out to here and some who may be feeling the same.

getting outside each day will help you too. Just walking and being in the fresh air can do wonders for your mental health. Take a walk around your local park with the pushchair.

you need to cut this man from your life. Block all contact with him and start the process of moving on. You can rebuild your self confidence and self love and learn to lead a fulfilling life with your child.

Thank you so much , it feels like a battle everyday but it’s just for my daughter

You’ll never feel better without blocking him. Talking about the past and the gf is not going to help you feel better. It doesn’t matter anymore and men who do this are just paving the way for future booty calls- don’t go there when you’re clearly very vulnerable. I agree that he’s using contact with you for kicks and that you need to protect yourself so you are healthy for your daughter.

If he wants to see his dd then he can take the legal route. It sounds like he’s not the type who can commit to regular contact so doubtful that he’d go there.

sorry to hear you're feeling this way. how old is the baby? if you haven't registered them yet, don't include the fathers name on the birth certificate.

As others have said, make an appointment with your gp straight away and ask for help. I think most health visitors have a duty call line. speak to them. be honest and ask for help.

A baby, or child, are hard. even in supportive relationships its a lot so I can't imagine what youre going through. that said many people do manage and do a great job but the more support you can get from agencies the better.

Parenting is often about instincts. listen to them. Your instincts are telling you to stay away from this man and that you need some help.

Wishing you all the best.

Yeh that’s my plan. I just want to put space between him so he can eventually disappear. I’ve spent nearly every day crying. Him and his gf enjoy winding me up , I know it. But it really has screwed with my mind. He’s put me on loudspeaker before with me releasing where she was listening to my whole private conversation. It’s honestly made me paranoid that every message is being sent for her to laugh at . The worst was when he called me ugly and repulsive while filming my reaction. Obviously I was hysterical and crying but what made it worse was I thought she’s gonna get see this and laugh about it later. I think that’s why I tried to end my life. Mentally I’m just broken.

Please do speak to your health visitor ASAP, they will see it as a good thing not a bad thing that you are being honest about your mental health struggles and that you are finding parenting really hard.
They will be able to get you more support, link you up with more organisations who can help you, maybe a family support worker?

Remember, if you ever feel like you are having a mental health crisis or feel like you may harm yourself again or your child, ring 111 straight away and choose the option for mental health.

And cut off all contact with the ex!! He is toxic and poisoning your head.You and your baby don't need someone like that.x

Thankfully this man doesn’t live in the UK so block him on everything. What’s app, all social media etc and make your profiles private.

he is never going to be the partner or father you and your child deserve so do yourself a favour and kick start the healing process by blocking him and focusing on bettering your life without him.

it may sound silly but stand yourself in front of the mirror everyday and tell yourself you are proud of yourself and you are going to prove how much you deserve by bettering your life.

things won’t always feel this way.

Definitely no contact with ex.
agree with contacting health visitor and GP right away, get some help, possibly some medication to get you through this bit.
do you have a local children’s centre? They can be very supportive.

Thank you everyone for the advice, I’m already under the mental health team so they are trying to help me. Just trying to get some sort of help where I don’t have to have any form of contact with him ever again.

Block, block, block.

The both of them.
As you’ve said, they are BOTH playing with you and your MH. Don’t let them do that. You are worth so much more.

Then go and see your GP and your HV. Try to get some counselling and MH support. I’m actually pretty sure you’ll feel tons better wo having any contact with him. But I think you need support still.

Also please remember this guy is emotionally abusive. This is what you are fighting against. I’d contact women Aid too and see if you can get support through them too. The freedom program in particular might be helpful.

This sounds horrific. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I had PND after childbirth but didn’t tell anyone and really wished I had. I just tried to get through one day at a time and made every tiny thing I did a little victory. Silly stuff like managing to have a shower, cooking a meal, keeping baby fed & clean. Eventually the little wins helped me see I was coping and could do it. Please speak to the mental health team as soon as possible. And agree with other posters block him. He is not contributing anything positive to your life.

Have you any family or good friends you could go and stay with for a while so you are less on your own with all these thoughts?

Just keep reminding yourself that you gain absolutely nothing from having contact with this man. Unfortunately you are a pawn in their sad little game and everytime you have contact with them, they are getting a kick from it and you are only suffering.

lean on absolutely everybody you can. Doctors, health visitors, local baby groups, neighbours. Whoever will listen and care. Life can and will get better.

I’m normally one to say maintain contact for your child. However this is a line too far. You need to cut contact for the sake of both you and your child. Once you’ve let go of him, then you will start to feel better. You’re never going to feel mentally fit to parent with this mental abuse that you are receiving.

As everyone else has said first step is immediate contact with health services.

More long term, everything will be ok, this is a horrific time for any new mum let alone with everything you're going through. You need to stop having any contact with this cunt. Once you've done that then start focusing on getting you and little lady into a routine. Once you're in a routine you can go through the motions a lot more easily, gradually things will start to take their own shape and you will look back on this and wonder how you did it. You will do it though.

Please get some support and keep going ❤️

I agree with everything that’s been written about blocking him and speaking to the health visitor team asap. I just also wanted to say when you are feeling up to it, and I know this twat has damaged your confidence so it will be hard, you should definitely go to a baby group (HV will have info on free ones) as you will meet people there so you can start to build up a bit of a support network.

I have a feeling your life will be infinitely better this time next year if you block the absolute bastard.

Block him on everything. Set up a new email address that is the sole way he can contact you. You take control. You have a beautiful baby, he is horrible.

Document whatever you can of his behaviour (screengrabs of nasty messages etc) to use if he ever tries to claim custody.

If a friend came to you and said her ex was treating her this way, what would you say?

This man is abusive and an absolute pos.

You don't owe him anything. You don't owe him access to your child (you'd be protecting her from him) and you don't owe him communication. Block him on everything and I'd contact a solicitor and see what means they can use to stop him contacting you as well.

I'd also contact womens aid because the relationship you've had with him has been abusive, what he is now doing is harassing and gaslighting you which is further emotional abuse so you absolutely meet their threshold for support. They can go with you to things like solicitors appointments etc and support you to get things in place to make it harder for him to treat you this way.

I'd keep a record of everything, all communication from him and the girlfriend so you can use that as evidence against him if you need to. Don't answer the phone to him, if you're going to engage with him then email or text only because it means there's a written record that you can keep.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and working hard and using the support available to you to look after your mental health and get to a stronger place, but communication with him is undermining all the hard work you're doing. So the communication with him needs to stop.

Keep talking, get to mother and baby groups as often as you feel able so you're meeting other mummies, I'd consider if you have support networks anywhere else, for example do you have family or friends who are supportive in a different area who you could move closer to or stay with for a bit? Be really open with your health visitor.

The thing to remember here op is that you're doing all you need to (blocking him will help) you looking after your mental health, working well with the professionals involved and being honest with them about how you're feeling are all signs of really positive parenting. Being a good parent doesn't mean not struggling, sometimes it means leaning on people when it's really bloody tough. And you've had an awful time and it will take you a while to recover from his abuse. You deserve to give yourself a little grace while you recover because its a hard thing to do. This man and the gf don't deserve access to your life or to take your energy or happiness so I do think shutting that down completely will be beneficial for you. You're doing amazing op, you just need to keep going.

Thank you to all of you for the kind and encouraging words. You’ve all helped me to feel more secure in my decision to go 100% no contact with him. Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💖

Hello,
so sorry to hear how you’ve been treated, pp is hard no matter what situation but being told all those horrible things, and being treated so poorly no wonder your feeling so low. Be kind to yourself during this time.. you may not have found love with this ‘man’ we’ll use the term loosely cos tbh he’s absolutely scum- but you have made a beautiful baby girl.. who’s more ‘you’ than him.. look at her and remember your doing it for her! And you absolutely can do this- your relationship and bond with her will outweigh any type of love you could ever have for a man! I know this an I’m married aha - I’d chuck him off a cliff for our baby
You’ve got this! xx