Miserable twins

[6monthsmore]

Hi. I have 17 month old twins and a 3 year old. It feel like the twins have been miserable much of the time, for about the past 6 months. I don't know if we're doing something wrong that I just cannot see.

They all go to creche during the day on weekdays. I always greet them with smiles and try to be upbeat but I feel like all I get back is screaming and whining. I don't think it's sleep/thirst/hunger related. Sometimes I blame teething, but they can't be teething all the time 🙈 They have a pretty good routine.

We are outnumbered by them, and I would say that contributes in that we're pulled in different directions sometimes, but I remember the 3 year old being similar at that age. And thinking god if he's like this now, what the hell are the terrible twos going to be like. But I found things got much better from 2 onwards when we could communicate with each other better.

I don't want to wish the next few months away but I find myself just trying to hold on. And wondering if we're doing something we're blind to that's causing the unhappiness

Anybody?

It's day after day of them screaming. We're at our wits end. I don't know if we're doing something stupid in terms of how we respond to them, and somehow encouraging the cycle

Do they cry in nursery too? If that possibly something physical causing pain?

If they don't cry at nursery could they be hungry or tired when they get home?

Are there any triggers you can think of? A place, or a time, or some clothing, or food?

Do they share a room? Could they be waking each other up and overtired?

Is there anything or anyone that stops them.screaming?

If you take them for a walk outside, or to clamber about in soft play, or they watch Bluey, or eat cake - does that make things worse or better?

Are they not just tired? If they are in nursery all day then it’s probably they are just tired

Usually a dc would go to crèche, have a great time then home to relax but twins don’t really get that experience. They’re constantly battling for attention and ownership of toys. I’d set up things for them to do once home. Eg. Trains, play sets etc and if possible in different rooms. A bit of CBeebies too.

my twins are 12 (also have an older one) so I remember it well. It gets better (mostly when they go to school and you get some let up). Hang on in there!

Thanks for the replies. I'm actually not sure if they're like this at creche, but they're generally ok going in in the morning. They often scream as I'm putting them in their car seats but fine once we get there.

They actually sleep really well at night too (not a peep from 7:30pm - 7am), so they're rested in the morning at least. But they're usually like this in the morning too. Re: hunger, they're both good eaters and have 3 meals & 2-3 snacks a day, plus a cup of milk first thing and last thing.

They are generally happier when we get out of the house (and we really try to!) but with us both working FT, it's not that feasible on weekdays, esp in the winter. We get home just after 5 and start dinner, which we have at 6. Milk and pjs at 7, bed at 7:30. When we do go out, they usually scream being put in the buggy, but are happy enough once we're moving. And yeah if we're in a different setting, like visiting family, or soft play, they're usually happier. But that can't be everyday. Same with cake - unfortunately can't give them cake every day 🙃 They have little to no interest in cartoons/tv. V limited interest in books. We have plenty of toys, in a toy box they can access. We will pull a couple of items out for them too. Again limited interest before they start throwing them on the ground.

How should we respond when they're like that? I don't want to encourage/reward it but I can't just ignore them! And saying "ah ah, no" etc doesn't seem to do anything

Are they competing? Is it the whiniest one that gets picked up first? maybe think about if this is happening, and try reversing the conditioning if it is - respond to the most cheerful one first every time

I think I agree with Teenlifemum, it seems to me that they don't get time to wind down and relax. I had twins born when their sister was 6, that wasn't easy and it's as though you have triplets.
The schedule you describe is very tight, a stressy day, get home, mum cooks (dad?), eat an hour later, pj's and milk another hour later, then bed. Bath time used to be very popular with ours and helps with winding down.
They may have plenty of toys but at those ages, play needs adult interaction /leading, not being able to play individually with toys, especially when tired.
Do you read with them? We always read before bed, three on the sofa cuddling with a parent. I was struck you turning up smiling at the creche, is that how you really feel or do they sense your stress and scream? I think maybe they need lots of cuddling and time one to one with a parent however difficult that is.
I remember turning up at nursery, so my twins were about 2 and a half and the assistant told me that one of them had just been asking when mummy was coming. I remember how they used to endlessly find distractions so that each one in turn got attention. I also remember hearing them arguing one day, 'she's my mummy', 'no, she's MY mummy'! Then one pushed the other over!
You could try asking the creche how they are, do they get the chance to wind down at the end. Otherwise, try cuddling, it might help (and dummies helped for a while with us too though I didn't like them.) It will pass though, as things do. Look after yourselves too.

This is an interesting idea, if one is screaming, to respond to the other one instead.

I can’t remember when it was, (definitely before mine turned 3) but they had a screaming phase. I saw a video on fb, of a parent interrupting their whinging child saying it was his turn so figured I had nothing to lose and tried it too. Worked brilliantly! They both stopped whinging/crying/screaming and waited for their turn, I had a turn as well (along with anyone I was with) and it seemed to redirect their attention to me rather than whatever was actually going on with them. Might be worth a go? At least you’ll get a chance to blow off some steam making a screechy crying noise if nothing else!

It's a tough time, are they walking? It could definitely be frustration. My DD really cheered up after 18 months although she's 2 now and the rage era has started 🤷‍♀️ everything changes very quickly, some babies just don't enjoy themselves until they're a bit older and more independent

Oops posted too soon. But yeah, I'd imagine it'll really anger them but I think it's worth a try.

In terms of the evenings being tight, they are, but I'm not sure what I can do about that. I can't really put them to bed any later than 7:30pm and they need to be up at 7am (which is the time they currently wake up). My husband pulls his weight too, I didn't go into full detail for brevity. But I do drop off in the morn, he does collection. We both work Mon-fri. 3 days a week I'm in the office and he gets home and starts dinner just after 5. I get home ~5:20 and one of us continues sorting dinner, the other watches the kids. 2 days I WFH and start dinner at 5 and they get in soon after.

We do "wind down time" from 7-7:30 where we all sit in the sitting room, the tv goes off if it's on, we dim the lights and the twins get their milk. We attempt to read books/play with toys.

Will add they are the same on weekends, when both myself and my husband are off. Will try the suggestion of having them in separate rooms and laying out a toy to play with them with.

I honestly do greet them with smiles and I think positive energy, eg. when I go in to get them out of their cots in the morn. I'm sure that positivity dips during the day as things go downhill, so I will try to be more mindful of that. It's just draining. I do give them lots of cuddles are kisses throughout the day though.

More one of one time prob would be beneficial.. I feel like we've very little time to do this between keeping on top of the day to day stuff.. grocery shop, laundry, making their meals etc etc while minding them and the 3 year old.. but will try to be more mindful of this and carve out a little bit of one on one time for each of them

Unfortunately we haven't had that with our twins or 3 year old there all happy as larks aslong as there full, plus I chose no nursery,crèche so we spend a lot of bonding time which I appreciate not everyone can do

@muchtootired that's too funny, I will definitely give it a go! Nothing to lose!

@Winnipeggy yeah they're walking a few months now so they're pretty solid on that front. I kept going back and forth in my head with our older boy, about whether we were somehow to blame, but I could never figure out what to change. And we were 2:1 then. Now with history repeating itself with the twins, I really questioned if we are totally blind to something we're doing wrong. But perhaps it is just a phase..

Thanks for all the replies. I feel I have a few things to try now

I'm sure it's nothing you're doing, you sound like a very loving parent and I can't imagine how hard it must be with 3 so young. I'm sure it's just a phase for them, babies can just be incredibly whingey! try not to let it worry you and do what you can drink wine to get through x

I doubt it is anything you are doing. They may just not be cheery babies, please don't beat yourself up.
My twins are 25 now but I cans till remember dealing with 3 crying babies (my eldest was 17 months when they were born).
Fake it til you make it, put some good music on and sing to their whining and crying. As my Mum would say, this too shall pass.
You sound pretty on the ball and amazing.

can still

Have you tried baby sign language with them at all? This helped one of my ds whose language development was a little on the slower side. It enables them to be able to communicate more effectively and hopefully won't need to whine if they can't make themselves understood. It can be a difficult age 🤗

How are they at weekends? Is it the same? Maybe they're just exhausted from nursery and also frustrated that they can't get much individual attention (which I know you can't help!!)

Honestly don't worry.
It sounds very usual...tired babies, tired parents, life is busy ..it's just a phase and you yourself say your older child was like this
My older DD was miserable..just wingy, difficult and miserable...it was just her plus a slightly rushed tired mummy...she grew out of it and turned into a lovely child and delightful teenager.
You are doing everything right..routine, cuddles, quiet time before bed etc etc...smile and try to chant " this too will pass" when it gets too much