Daughter asking questions about biological dad

[4658Lou]

My daughter is 14 curious now and asking questions about her biological dad. Long story short the dad is in another country and when I went to that country 16 years ago about I met a man had my daughter and left the country, she has never met him and never had been involved the dad is aware of daughter but because he was violent with me and others it’s on his police record it was advised by social services and police that he was not allowed near the child so he has not been since she was weeks old. Now fast forward 14 years I have found out a couple years ago he had 2 other kids since then that again he’s not involved with due to a violent nature so this behaviour seems to be continuing, I’m worried my daughter is getting very curious about him asking questions and it sounds like maybe she will want to meet him or something, she knows bits and pieces but I’m very wary about telling her he is terrible because I don’t want her to feel if he is terrible then is she kind of thing I have never bad mouthed him I just said he was not very nice with us and we had to leave. Any advice for a worried mum :( we have a lovely life with a lovely step dad and a brother and sister she has a very nice family but obviously she curious ‘where she comes from’

In adoption we have 'life story books' which set out the background to the DC being adopted.

My suggestion would be for you to write down the narrative as you see it, trying to be as even handed as possible, so the good bits as well as the bad. Include photos.
Then let her read it.

If necessary leave out very identifying things such as surname so she can't easily google and find him.

Others will hopefully write from more knowledge.

I've been your daughter, my Dad was almost exactly the same. And my Mum told me all of it far too young I'm so glad you haven't done that!

I spent so long when I was little wondering if I was bad like him. I was never brave enough to ask for more info on him until after he died and I've always regretted it.

Engage with your daughter about the positives the things you did like about him, help her connect with the culture and the country he's from.

Be honest that he's just not able to be a good Dad for her and it's not her fault but his, hopefully she has a great bond with her stepdad and other role models so make sure you reassure her that they adore her.

Offer to help her make contact in a safe way when she's an adult, but manage expectations that he may still not be able to do that due his own problems.

I don't have direct experience of this but my older sister had no contact with her father between 4 and 16 then one evening and nothing for about 20 years before the odd Facebook message.

My mum has never hidden the difficult relationship she had with my sister's birth father. We obviously never had the full details but age appropriate headlines. I have always appreciated this and I think my sister has too. She had no interest in him but she has contact with her other half siblings. One more than the other as one is very similar to his father. They knew my mum as they are older than my sister and she was their step mother.

Keep your emotions out of the narrative and keep it factual and begin with the bits that are the easiest to digest and see how she responds. Treat it as the start of a conversation that you dip in and out rather a dump of everything. Do you think she would be interested in contact with his other children

@TeenDivided thats a good thing about life story book, I’m worried though as we touched on why we left because the police was involved keeping us both safe but she still seems curious to meet him if possible and I’m worried that it’s an unsafe situation but at the same time I don’t want to say how bad he was and horrible and how I never want her to meet him :( x

Can you say she needs to wait until 18+ / A levels complete, and then if she wants to at that point you will help support her to do it safely somehow?

@TeenDivided yeah that’s an option as I would be very worried. How do I tell her that he’s had other kids (which are her half siblings) and he’s done the same to them which was only a couple years ago or so they are babies and he’s done the same to their mother and them and he is not involved …

I would stress she is not her father. That some things are handed down by genetics such as height, but personality and niceness are hers alone.

@TeenDivided yes I will stress that. But should I mention about his other family he is not involved with x

@Superscientist apparently the other children of half Philippine and returned to their own orginal country he was violent and abused them then they went away so I can’t see how that would be a fruitful relationship? I don’t know wether to mention the other children as I know nothing about them other than they don’t have contact with him because of the same reasons he doesn’t have contact with my daughter?

I think you tell her factually what happened. She will have an understanding of DV from PSHE.

Don't go into detail if what he actually did but Explain that he was violent and to keep her safe you moved on police advice. that he had other children and was violent to them too. Give her any details you have about him, what he looked like hair colour anything you know about his extended family.

At her age she'll be doing things like genetic variation in science, perhaps she realized that she can roll her tongue but you can't etc so it must have come from him

Imo let her see he has pattern of being a terrible df.. Then she might not be so keen to meet him. I told my dd at 18 about her df.. He had gone looking for her.. There was absolutely no bond or chance of relationship.. Her words..when at 21 she met him. . And he wasn't a bad man just an immature one who walked away.

I'd get advice from a counsellor. I'd go with age appropriate truth. E.g. dad made bad choices which meant he wasn't safe to be around. You wish he got better, but he hasn't and still isn't safe as he's made those bad choices again recently. While you hope he wouldn't hurt her, you can't be sure and as her mum it's your job to protect her. You'll help her when she turns 18 if its still her wish. If she's angry reframe it for her - e.g. if you have pets ask her if she'd let someone she knows hurt her dog, look after another dog.

with me, im similar in the sense of it helps me or may help me, if i knew my bio dad, if then it would help give more context to my personality, more context to events in my life, more context to various puzzlements i have had over the years,

or im completely wrong, but then its like holy trinity who am i,

i guess im trying to work out my true identity, its almost like ive been kept at a distance to not be drawn into my bio dads world so to speak, even though i suspect at a guess ive got some of his qualities and skills in my Dna so to speak,.

My Ds hasn’t seen his dad since he was 3 - he was unsafe .
At a similar age I ended up telling my Ds most of what happened . He had asked various questions and had always had an age response.
it turns out he thought he didn’t see his dad because I didn’t get on with him.

without any information he made his own narrative .

she needs to know something . It doesn’t need to be more detail than necessary

I did say I thought it was a good idea but her raising potentially having contact with her siblings or knowing more about them as part of the conversation would be something I would be preparing for.

She might feel that there aren't many people in her life that know how it feels to have an abusive dad and to her these other children maybe a link into that understanding. Even if it's photos and a short message from their primary care givers to describe their appearance and personality so she can have an idea of how she fits together. I do agree that anything beyond a picture and quick bio is likely to be inappropriate particularly at this age. I know with my sister's brother's there's one that has a heart of gold and is so much like his mother and my sister is involved with his children and grandchildren but the other one has felt the impact of their dad more and hasn't coped with grown up life. Their relationship is not much more than a drink at Christmas.

Sorry typo. I didn't say it was a good idea

Do you know any of his extended family? At this same age my niece asked similar questions. Her father was very much not safe for her to be around, but her aunt and grandmother were- so she visited them at first and they were able to help her before she eventually chose to visit her father. By that time he was in jail though so less of a concern in many ways...

We have had a brief chat and said I’m making a story line ‘your life story book’ but when I mentioned about it was unsafe for both of us to be around her biological father she responded to ‘yeah but he was only violent with you’ I then explained physically yes he was only violent with me but it was unsafe for both of us the police or social services would not allow the father around her. I didn’t know to go into detail because it didn’t feel right but my daughter biological father kicked around her baby clothes and kicked her belongings aswell as violent nature so authorities took this serious, I didn’t know if it was appropriate to go into such detail with being under 18 years old that kind of information is difficult?

There was a threat of violence. Even if he wasn't violent toward a young infant (a very low bar for an acceptable parent!) Violence around a child would still have an impact. I would maybe describe the threat to her from that perspective. You could talk about rage and maybe being on edge and not knowing when the would become violent or aggressive to you or your possessions including baby stuff. Talk about the impact of his behaviour on you and you fear for her as you could do this without going into the nitty gritty.

My sister ex-husband predominantly used the threat of violence and only in the final days of the relationship was violent but that threat and fear was there for her and her daughter. Her daughter was 3 when they left and she felt that fear long after they left. She has kept her dad in her life party as the coercive control continued after the relationship ended. She has a beautiful soul but 10 years later she still fears being told off or doing something wrong.

I would say the fact she doesn't understand how it might feel to be in such a situation shows what a great job you have done bringing her up on your own from a difficult begining.

If police or ss said not to be around him then definitely include that.
She needs info to understand why you are saying it wasn't safe.

I would be honest. Say he was damaging her things and he was dangerous. She's trying to kid herself that he has redeeming qualities. He sounds like a dangerous man and not someone you would want your teenage daughter to go searching for. It's an awful harsh thing for a teenage girl to learn, but I think the alternative is worse, I.e. she gets some idea into her head that he'll welcome her with open arms and be a loving father.

I think the key thing is not to leave the door open for him to swan back into her life when she is a few years older with some narrative about how you broke up the relationship, there was no violence because you made it up and how he fought for the right to see her. He sounds the kind of man who would not hesitate to alienate you from your daughter. The fact that she was keen to emphasise that he wasn't violent to her is concerning. I think you need to be very clear about what he did and the kicking of her clothes and belongings and what he did to you and how frightened you were for both of you. I think it much better that she discovers the details and understands he is a violent thug who has abandoned multiple children rather than having any illusions about him being a bad husband but a great dad. Don't dress it up with childish language of making bad choices or not being safe.