Not bonding with baby

[graygoose]

Long lost, sorry!

I have an 11 week old DD who was very much wanted. She is an IVF baby which was a stressful experience, I had a difficult pregnancy and she arrived 6 weeks early. It hasn’t been an easy ride. I was diagnosed with PPD and my parents stepped in to take her some nights and give me some relief.

Additionally I made the decision to leave my DH very recently. Long story short he has substance abuse problems that came to light during my pregnancy and was out partying until 5-6am multiple times a week when I was pregnant. He was out partying when my waters broke and though he managed to pull it together after DD was born he soon spiralled again and I pulled the plug. DD has been with my parents for the last week. I am at home alone and DH is staying in hotels after I kicked him out.

I was struggling to bond with DD before all this and did have a nervous breakdown over Christmas. I was getting better but then DH had another partying spree and I left him. Since then DD has gone to my parents since I can’t cope.

I love her to death, I know I do, but I don’t miss her. I don’t feel joy when I’m around her. I don’t feel like I want to look after her. I just feel flat and numb. My mum says this is alarming. I am seeing a therapist and I am also on anti depressants now so I don’t know what more I can do. I feel broken and I feel guilty for putting this burden on my parents to look after her full time while I basically lie in bed all day.

I guess I just want reassurance that it will get better, that I will want to look after her again and will get the strength from somewhere.

It sounds like you’ve been through loads in the last 11 weeks alone.
Youve had a tricky pregnancy, an early birth and left your husband all of these things are bound to impact you. Even one of those alone could impact your bonding.
When my dd was born I didn’t feel a rush of love towards her. She was very much wanted and I knew I loved her but I didn’t want to be around her and I didn’t miss her if my parents took her for a while. I felt awful but the more people I spoke to the better I felt. Not everyone has that instant connection. It should be more widely publicised that bonding can be hard and it’s definitely not something we should feel guilty about!
What helped me was upping my medication, speaking to a therapist/ gp and spending time with my dd with help. So changing her nappy and feeding her with someone around for help. Overtime I needed less and less help and felt myself wanting to be close to my baby.

Is it possible for you to stay with your parents just now? That way you can be around your baby and have a lot of support. Please speak to your health visitor / gp again to get more support.
Take a step back from your husband. Right now isn’t the best time to have to deal with all those issues, he’s the bottom of the list so any contact should be through your parents if need be.

Please don’t feel guilty about how you’re feeling. You’ve gone through so many life changing moments in such a short space of time. You need love and support to help you feel more yourself again. You will create a strong bond with your baby, it’s just going to be a slow one which is absolutely fine.

OP, Newborn phase is RUTHLESS.

Do not beat yourself up about this, your life has been turned upside down both with baby and your partner - you have a mountain of hormones flowing through you like the river nile. THIS IS NORMAL.

I massively struggled with the baby stage, newborn stage is absolutely not for me and that was with a fairly straight forward set up and birth. BMy daughter is now 2 and i cannot get enough of her.

What I'm trying to say is take all the help you can get and don't feel an inch of negativity about it. It will get better, i assure you it will get better!

Can you stay at your parents as well? Even if they are caring for her her predominantly the more you do with her, spend time with her and do the daily tasks lime feeding etc the more you will help a bond form.
As pp above, I didnt have a rush of love for my little boy. When they put him on my chest after Emcs I just wanted him off me. For weeks I felt like well this is okay but can someone take him away now??
3.5months in and whilst I find parenting hard sometimes I love him to pieces and I honestly believe it was doing the repetitive chores that helped the bond because you end up doing eye contact and feeling their affection for you etc.
Le your parents look after you whilst you try to look after your DD. Keep up with the medication and get therapy if you can. It's a hard road especially with your DP proving so horrendous, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Speak to your HV/GP. I had severe pnd and psychosis. My HV arranged for me to have baby massage sessions at home to help with bonding and when I was on the mother and baby unit all the nursery staff were receiving training as it's great for bonding with mums that have pnd.

My HV also referred me to a parenting service for therapy and I had vig therapy with a psychologist for 18 months. We had play sessions filmed looking for answers to questions like "does my baby like me". After each session we reviewed 2 or 3 5-10 second clips and a few still to see that she did like me, that she was real and that I was a good mum. It was easily the best thing for my mental health.

Are you getting support for your pnd? I also had compassion focussed therapy which is the gold standard for pnd. For existing issues it didn't work for me but the rest of the group got a lot from it.

You’ve been through a horrific time lovely.
Tell as many people as you can, your HV, GP anyone.

Dont let your parents take her with you not there, you need to be with her. A rush of love is the bollocks most people spout on Instagram, it does happen but a lot of people describe it like you, want to take care of her but not got that rush everyone talks about.

go and stay with her with your parents, make sure you do the feeds, even if that is in bed and they bring her to you. Strip her to her nappy and you topless when you feed for the skin to skin. You can buy kangaroo tops to wear her nappy only against your skin.

yoire doing great,

I really struggled to bond too, and it sometimes comes and bites me even now at 2.5yo.

You need support as all pp have stated but on a practical 'do now' level, you need to lean in to mothering hard - go and stay with your parents and your baby. You have to be with her to bond.

Fake it until you make it - and I promise you will make it.

Sorry it's so hard, for some of us becoming a mother totally breaks us, but you rebuild and become capable of things you could never have imagined.