Do your kids still hang out with you as they grow older?

[illatchristmas]

For a host of reasons, it makes sense for me to work FT in a full on job. I'm senior enough to be able to attend nativities and other milestone moments most of the time, but also travel to a European HQ typically once a month.

Kids are young: primary and preschool.

Most of my friends dropped their hours when having kids and most plan to increase them later.

I'm in an unusual industry and my peak opportunities are right now. PT not an option in current job. If it all goes well, I should be able to scale way back in a few years and be around much more (I could do short term contracts, less stable but by then I would be nearly mortgage free and at a senior enough level to be in demand).

DH works but is very hands on and has a local commute, so he's the more present parent day to day.

In the last year I've started to worry I'm running out of time and that I should be around more for the children NOW. Will they want a hands on mum as much later? Will I get hit by a bus and have given too much of myself to work?

I've worked so hard to get where I am, I have the opportunity to give us long term financial stability. I've always been proud of being a FT working mum, but lately feel like the odd one out at the school gates.

I'd value perspectives from other FT mums and people whose kids are older now in particular. It's so hard to know what's right.

I would say that children need their mum more as they grow older. When they are younger anyone - dad, carer - can make them better. But with teenage problems there’s no one like a mum

I know quite a few people who worked full time when their kids were young but dropped their hours when they were at secondary school as they needed to be around more.

I have nearly always worked full time, and my now 19-year-old always 'wanted' to hang out in a limited way.

I'd say, just make it the culture of your household that you do things together, so eating a meal, having a cuppa and a biscuit, a movie (that they want to watch!) on a Saturday night. Whatever you tend to do anyway.

Also, as he got older, I drove him around wherever he wanted to go. The longer the drive, the better because it was a great time to chat. I did have to allow him to bluetooth his music in the car and turn a deaf ear to some interesting lyrics !!

Less so now ours are married but we still often go on joint day breaks and even hols. Before they were married we'd go out on almost all hols - when married etc they need their own time we get that but we all feel good when we go together

Thank you, I appreciate these responses.

I do make them my priority at weekends, and try to be as present as I can, even if I go back on my laptop after they're in bed.

I just think they're such wonderful people, the pull to be with them more is unexpectedly strong. I thought I'd done the hard bit when I went back to work after mat leave!

As they get older, they gain hobbies and clubs, some a lot more than others. You may find you don't have much time on a weekend to spend as a family, v little days out etc if they get into a few sports. However, that won't happen til they're older, so you've got your quality family weekends now. And when they're older and less available at the weekend, you'd have at least a few after school afternoons to hang out

We're big on jigsaw and board games in my house. As well as our crazy activities- rock climbing, mountain biking, scrambling in the mountains etc. I'm hoping we'll have at least a couple of board game sessions a week when the kids are a little older. Quality non screen family time. Plus them joining on as much of the active thrill activities they want to!

Not sure how much older you are looking for but my eldest just turned 10 and I think she definitely still wants to hang out but more on her terms. It is fun as we play video games, board games or cards together as a family with DH and her little sister. She and I go to Starbucks/Costa. She is getting into anime and east asian culture so recently I bought a load of Itsu food for her to try (she's a very fussy eater) and we ate it with chopsticks watching Studio Ghibli films, while DH and DD2 were at their shared interest for the night. The best way I find to bond is as others have said when you're driving around to hobbies, i let her control the music and she just chats.

So they definitely still need you and want to hang out it's just different. I'm a full time working mum as well, although since 2021 I have worked mainly at home, with regular travel.

I don't thinks there's a right or wrong. My eldest basically completely withdrew from family life from age 11. My second son is always with us at 16. But he occasionally doesn't want to go places with us.

I think children need you in a different way as they get older. Make good use of school holidays and weekends for lots of quality time and be present when you are at home.

DD like spending time with me on her own terms so we will go to the cinema, theatre or out for a meal together but other than that she spends more time with her friends. Things like trips to the zoo have long gone but she's now able to do more grown up things so it's a trade.

I wouldn't like your chances of being a resident parent etc if you and DH split but hopefully that won't happen.

Teens don't always want you around but when they have a crisis they really do need you.

I spent a lot of my time ferrying them here there and everywhere but it meant we had a good relationship and when they had wobbles - being bullied at guides, stress about GCSEs, glandular fever - I was able to be there for them and they trusted me enough to mostly talk to me.

@Singleandproud your final sentence would be my worst ever fear. Happy marriage (in my view!) so hopefully remains a hypothetical.