DH not bonding with BF DD

[ogo23]

Looking for advice

I think DH is struggling to bond with DD (4 months), she struggled with colic weeks 3-12 and is now entering 4 month regression.

She used to take the bottle, but now only will opt for BF. I’m watching him struggle to bond, and soothe her and I don’t know how best to support. i don’t want to constantly step in and tell him how to do things, but how else can I encourage him to bond?

Dh bonded changing nappies (in day and nighttime), giving baths, playing with, taking walks alone in pram while I got a rest.

Lots of opportunities to bond, beyond feeding and soothing with boob. If he is involved with everything now and gaining confidence and learning he will get more and more opportunities in the coming weeks and months.

Surely he can do whatever needs doing other than bf - nappies, baths, pram walks etc. I don't understand why bf would be a barrier to bonding.

What times of day is she more relaxed and happy? I would focus on his being able to do something with her when she is happy rather than his trying to calm her when she is fussy. That will come far more easily as the bond develops.

Does she enjoy a bath?

Bath and a bit of baby massage can be great for dads to bond and gives you some time to breathe too.

But also taking her out for a walk, singing to her, pulling faces at her which she will start to copy. Lots of things! But they don't always feel natural so getting him invested and wanting to do it is key. He might find it really hard at first and then start to enjoy it over time as she responds more to him. Bond building can be a bit fake it until you make it. Skin to skin can help too as it gets lots of bonding hormones flowing.

He doesn't need to feed the baby to bond. He can do nappy changes, take her out in the carrier for naps. Dress her.

It's not your job to facilitate their relationship, that's his job, give yourself a break.

Well baby isn't feeding all the time at 4 months so plenty of opportunity!
Baths
Nappy changes
Playing
Reading stories
Singing
Going for walks - use a sling for close contact
Have a look for some baby massage on YouTube

Whenever DH was home, bathtime was his responsibility. Frequently DD was not content but I made sure I didn't step in and eventually it became a special time for them.
Subsequent DC enjoyed bathtime with DH from the off. Different personalities or him being more confident? I don't know.

I bottle fed no 1 after 3 months and no 2 exclusively bf then bf for 3 years.

Dh hadn't no difference in bonding at all between the two! They fell asleep in his arms etc... No issue.

I think this something lots of parents find tricky so I don't think you or your DH should panic. With my partner I think he bonded successfully with both our children because he persisted when they started to wail rather than panicking and handing them straight back. Through trial and error he found his own methods for soothing which didn't rely on breastfeeding and found ways to get them to sleep too. It did mean a bit of wailing initially from each of our kids but they stopped when we persisted. Sometimes it's easier to step away for a couple of hours, maybe right after a feed. My two would sometimes resist the bottle if they knew I (and my boobs...) were in the house.

Set yourself a two week period where your partner really persists with it. Leave the house if you need to (I found crying really unbearable when they were little. It felt like it lasted for hours when it was actually less than 10 minutes.) After two weeks if the baby still isn't bonding with DH then take the pressure off, relax and try again when baby is 6 months. Ifit doesn't work then try again at 9 months when she's weaned and can go a little longer without breast milk.

It will happen, don't despair or feel like either of you have failed. Some babies are clingier than others but it all fades eventually.

BF is no barrier to bonding because he can do everything else. Is your DH different to before the birth? I just wonder if he is depressed perhaps, or just struggling generally, in which case he might need some support with that first.

Has he tried skin to skin? Bathtime? Even just giving her a cuddle and talking to her is bonding.

Is he ovethinking it?