Precious about my baby … is it PND?

[Erlouise]

Hi ladies
my baby is nearly 11 weeks old and I thought I’d get better with time but I haven’t. I feel so precious about my baby.
I really hate other people doing things with her I feel so on edge and find myself just watching them constantly and saying things like is her head ok like that or I think she is laid too flat can you sit her up.
I hate other people feeding her and absolutely won’t let anyone change her nappy as I’m so worried about them not doing the front to back rule.
when I say people, I actually mean mine and my DH’s family. I’m exceptionally close to my parents but I’m even on edge with them and even more so on edge with my partners family.
my SIL asked to feed baby today and I was so on edge, I thought it would help by letting her do it but all I wanted to do was rip baby and bottle off her and do it myself - baby was trying to get away and she wasn’t taking the bottle out, didn’t pace feed, and I was trying not to be one of those people that just keeps telling people what to do but I just truly hate it.
everyone keeps telling me to chill and to have time away from baby but honestly I can’t. I couldn’t think of anything worse than leaving my baby with others.
i really can’t tell if this is just post partum anxiety or if this is a bit of post natal depression? I feel absolutely fine in myself day to day but I absolutely get anxious before I see anyone because I just dread the whole thing, like how do I tell them I don’t want them to change her nappy, what if they ask to feed her and do it wrong, what if they’re ill…

doesn’t help that my SIL kid was coughing all over baby when i saw her and I’m seeing them again tomorrow so even more anxious now.

really don’t know what’s wrong with me!

I'm not sure it's PND, but I don't want to say it's not. how do you feel otherwise? When I had my DS I developed anxiety I never even knew I had or that could exist. I'd panic if we were ever stuck in traffic and was 5 mins late for a feed or if he didn't have a certain amount of sleep at nap time because surely that means rubbish night time sleep. I honestly drove my self mad, and if anyone else did have him for any amount of time, it was constant texts , phone calls to ensure they were sticking to his routine etc. I'm normally a pretty chill person so when I look back now I think I even surprised myself at where this anxiety came from. He's 4 now and I'm much more chill (although pregnant again 😬) but I think what I'm trying to say if that it can be completely normal if not a little OTT, but whatever feels right for you to say or do then do that. Xx

Nothing is wrong with you; your baby is tiny and you are naturally protective. Be kind to yourself

I dunno about your anxiety exactly but I would say, if you want to change your baby's nappy, if you want to feed them, if you want to hold them, that's fine. You don't have to 'let' people do these things when you're there. Your baby isn't a doll to be passed around if you're uncomfortable . I'm not saying babies shouldn't be passed around, certainly both of mine were for cuddles and to a lesser extent naps. However that was our choice we were happy with. But nobody but DH and I fed our babies or changed their nappies (perhaps barring a rare exceptional circumstance) until they were much older, I'd say about 9 months or so with both of them. In fairness nobody ever asked or offered to but we were happy to do it. Not that it's wrong for other people to do it but it's up to yous as parents. It's fine to want to do it yourself. As they got older and bigger you will probably start to relax and feel more comfortable around it all. Your baby is still tiny, it's not unreasonable to want to feed and change them yourself. Just say no thanks it's fine I will do it and crack on.

Could be but also could not be. Speak to the health visitor or gp

This would be my interpretation too. Difficult emotional states are normal not mental illness.

If you have concerns about mental illness you need to talk to a doctor.

This is normal! I barely even let anyone hold my babies until they were months old. No one minded or even noticed as they weren't offering to do nappies, feeds etc lol. So it's good you have supportive family and ILs! This feeling will go quickly, it just naturally starts to fade as baby gets older. If it doesn't then there may be an anxiety problem. But for now your baby is tiny so it's definitely normal.

The actions aren't as important as the thoughts.

Ok you want things doing a particular way that's normal if you take those thoughts a step further what would happen if her bottom was wiped the wrong way or she wasn't pace fed. If those thoughts start a spiral of thoughts ending in utter despair then it's not normal and could be pn anxiety or depression. If the thoughts end with she might gulp more air in or end up uncomfortable it's probably normal levels of fret.

I developed post natal anxiety very quickly and never recovered. It started like this.

I agree with superscientist take it a step further.

It is hard though, and by the time I or anyone else realised I was way down the road.

Thanks for all the replies! I honestly feel so fine in myself I absolutely love waking up every day and seeing my baby’s face and I love all the little smiles that come with her growing etc. I’m so happy and content in our little bubble it’s just the anxiety when other people are around… hearing how others feel on this thread does make me feel a bit more normal. I’ve always been very anxious and highly sensitive so that’s just shone through more to people now that baby is here.
others are the ones branding me as possibly having post natal depression because I won’t leave my baby with others yet for a ‘night out’ so I’ve been told that’s a sign of PND…
I just feel like everyone is trying to pressure me into doing things that I’m just not ready for!

I think some women are just like this.

I really wasn't like this with people I liked and trusted but I could have written this about my MIL. 😅

I am not sure it's PND but I think the fact you are asking means something is off for YOU.
I.e. you know you aren't quite yourself which is why you are asking

I think it’s definitely worth mentioning to your GP or health visitor. It’s not normal to be like this, especially as your baby is not a new born.

My eldest is 3. We’ve only ever spent the night away from her three times, one for an event that was booked before she was born and she was nearly one, and the other two when I gave birth to our second (who is 9 months and never been away from us).

Completely by choice - we have lots of people who would love to have them both but we just don’t want them to.

Don't buy into any bullshit about “making a rod for your own back” and “not being able to leave them when they’re older”.

My 3 year old just started nursery. Walks in there happy as Larry, loves it, is so excited to go. That’s a sign of a secure attachment - because they know you will always be there when needed, so they’re okay to go off and explore.

Then you see babies left, right and centre who have been left with others since they were tiny, started nursery at 6 months.

They’re either really clingy and upset as older toddlers (anxious attachment) or their parents think they’ve done a wonderful job because they’re “okay being left” and “can be left with anyone”. This is not a secure attachment - it’s an avoidant one.

You’re doing everything right, OP.

I did have severe pnd but in 3.5 years I have had 4 nights out - 3 work dos and 1 hen party and one fancy lunch with my partner! I'd much rather have a family day the 3 of us.

It sounds like it might in the keep an eye on it category it could evolve into anxiety if you are prone to it. Do watch out for when thoughts and risk are not proportional to the action. If it takes up a significant part of your day - probably an hour or more or it is have a significant impact in your life.

Reach out to your HV and see if they do listening appointments. My HV offered these and it was focused on me and my life as a mum rather than baby and they it were helpful. For a while I saw her every 2 weeks

I think it’s pretty normal, at 11 weeks you are still in the newborn phase for goodness sake. If you still feel like that in a year you have something to worry about.

Doesn't sound like PND to me, follow your instinct and do it yourself. With our babies dh and I did 100% of the nappies ourselves and i breastfed. Sure other people held them here and there but that was literally it. No need for others to do nappies etc

P.s my eldest turns 6 this year and the only 'night out' I've ever had was giving birth to his sister! Just be true to yourself.

Your baby is only 11 weeks old and it's perfectly normal for you and indeed baby to only want and need each other.
Your Baby doesn't need to bond with anyone else except you and you wanting to have that closeness is normal. I certainly feel I will be the same tbh (about to pop)

While it's lovely people want to help, if you're not comfortable, maybe simply say you're OK with baby but can they help in other ways (like some tidying or cleaning or food etc)

Or you can baby wear in one of those wraps, which makes it a bit harder for people to just come over and ask for baby?

But really, if its stressing you out, simply don't offer or take your baby back. I wouldn't ever be offended if a mum wanted to take her baby back if I was holding them.

Depending on the level of relationship you have with them you can even say, you're having a a bit of a protective day with baby so would prefer to keep holding them.

If it were me on the receiving end, I'd offer to do something around the house instead and wouldn't be remotely offended. You are mum and your feelings and decisions trumps any visitor, family or not.

I've been cooking and dropping off meals as I'm batch cooking for myself for when mine arrives, my brother just had his so I've been making extra and taking them a fresh tray and freezing my trays. I wasn't ever expecting to hold baby, but they freely passed me baby and even let me feed him. I kept offering baby back if I felt baby was wanting mum, for your very reasons, but they seem pretty relaxed about others holding him.
I have to admit, I'm not sure I'll be as relaxed as they, I can see myself being quite protective!
However, everyone is different.
The only right way is mothers way :)

Please don't let yourself become stressed and upset. You do you. X