How many mums feel this way?

[WhatanEmbarrasment]

I just wondered how many mums like spending all day every day with their children? I’m a lone parent and the father isn’t involved but any time I try to discuss how hard it is I get “oh you’re so lucky to not have to share them” “I wish I got to be with my kids all day every day” “be glad he’s not involved” I mean do other mums genuinely like spending every minute of the day with their kids (I mean apart from work or school) so no weekends off no nights off? Do couples feel this way? Or is it only single mums that are expected to cherish every moment? My daughter is an absolute nightmare after school she is always in such a vile mood, today has been particularly bad. I want to run away. I would love nothing more than a weekend to myself where I don’t have to deal with the awful moods. But get made to feel bad for feeling this way. So do mums in couples enjoy breaks from their children? Say If you had grandparents/supportive family offering to have them every other weekend all weekend would you say no I love being with my children too much and don’t want to spend a second away from them?

Oh I definitely need a bit of child free time. I do have a partner so that allows each of us a little bit of alone time each week but we have no other support whatsoever (our parents live hundreds of miles away). One of our reasons for only having one child.

My baby is only 7 months and I do cherish our time because I struggled so much to conceive, so right now I wouldn't want any weekends away from him. However, I definitely do like to have a little moment of the day to myself to workout or take a long bath etc.. I would imagine as he gets older I'd probably enjoy a little weekend break who knows. I'd say as a single parent you need a break more than those in couples because you're doing it all yourself - its exhausting doing it when you have your husband to help so I can only imagine how much harder it is alone.

It seems it’s single parents who shouldn’t want a break though as I constantly get told how envious people are apparently of me for “getting them all to myself” mine are much much older though I can understand not wanting weekends off from a baby

Very few. The standards are just so ridiculously high for mothers that it isn't talked about much and 'enjoy every minute', 'they aren't little for long' etc gets thrown around.

It's also easy to make throw away comments such as the ones you've experienced if you are so used to having an involved partner that you don't even think of the breaks you get not to mention the financial stability.

There's absolutely nothing wrong at all with wanting a break from your child, mums are human and also have needs.

I'm a SAHM and I would not enjoy that! I greatly appreciate the time I spend parenting with my partner when he's not at work, and I definitely enjoy me time to socialise with friends or relax by myself.

I'd assume people are trying to make you feel better about a shit situation by lying that there are benefits to it. I'd assume it comes from a well-intentioned but ill-thought out place.

I'm a sahm and I am with my youngest all the time, and also my older child when she's not at school/extracurriculars. At weekends and evenings I spend the whole time with DH and our DCs. We don't have child-free time. But DH is very hands-on so I feel like I'm doing much less of the work when he's with us. I genuinely enjoy our weekends together and I wouldn't want to spend a weekend without them if offered, we do lots of activities and I'd miss seeing them enjoy themselves.

But it sounds like your daughter is difficult and of course being a single parent carries the whole burden so it's a different situation. I have been a single mum in the past though and I think the attitude you're getting is quite unusual - most people have recognised that single mums need a break. I think you have to make the most of the time they're in school, and use any after school care you can afford. For me that will be my main break once my youngest is old enough.

Look, you KNOW the answer to this!

With regard to the mums you mean, I don’t think it’s so much about spending every moment with their children as freedom to make decisions. If you’re co parenting with someone with different values and a different emphasis on what’s important then that’s tough. I know if I was to split with DH there would be way too much TV and far too much junk for my liking!

I definitely want and need childfree time.

Maybe the other people are trying (clumsily) to find a silver lining in your situation and just getting it horribly wrong; rather than actually believing it.

You are not alone!!

On the days where she's presumably exhausted which is manifesting as an awful mood can you just go low demand for an easy life? As much TV / screens as they need and an easy dinner? Fridays are a very low parenting day here!

I wouldn't want to spend a weekend away from my child necessarily even when she's older but I hugely depend on the child free time I get e.g. DH watches baby and I can go to yoga or have a long bath etc. It must be very tough not to have those times. It also takes the pressure off parenting together, recently DD was ill and it was much easier going through that together than if DH hadn't been there. Your situation isn't easy OP though I bet you're doing really well.

Of course they wouldn't, they sound like dicks. No one would want to spend all their time with children with no respite. I was a lone parent with my first daughter and now I have children with my partner, it is so much easier and my life is BETTER because I get a break now. Your feelings are completely valid and they obviously haven't experienced the relentlessness of raising children alone. Hope you're ok OP x

I get “oh you’re so lucky to not have to share them” “I wish I got to be with my kids all day every day” “be glad he’s not involved”

They’re loopy or clumsily trying to make you feel better at DC’s father not being around.

I mean do other mums genuinely like spending every minute of the day with their kids

No! I need time to myself.

I think your attitude is completely understandable

I've a 2 year old and I definitely need time away from him or I'd go loopy. A friend and I go off to run errands together or do some shopping. I feel like me and not just mammy. A break and actually being an adult really does help . Raising kids is hard and having to do it 24/7 alone is tough

Whenever I have to spend an extended amount of time on my own with my kids I think about my friend who's a single mum and wonder how the hell she does it. It is brutal.
As pp said, they might be clumsily trying to be tactful.

I think this post and pp hits the nail on the head- theyre trying to clumsily make you feel better the father isn't around.
And are probably uncomfortable with negative emotions. BUT- it's grossly invalidating..feel free to gently push back when you hear this OP and ask for the emotional support you need. You could gently/jokingly say "I don't think you really mean this or you'd leave your dh. To be honest I need my friends to hear and validate how long and hard my days are at the moment, its really difficult on my own with zero breaks" or similar

Hi OP

I get it. I am fortunate enough to not be with my ex but he does have the teen DCs every other weekend.

I think people are genuinely trying to find the silver lining in a tough situation which suits their narrative.

I don't get the comments you do as the one that suits my friends' narrative is 'at least you get a break from your kids'

Which is true. But as you will testify - having them 24/7 on your own is so gruelling and hard in terms of having to deal with them on your own every night (my teen DD is autistic and has MH problems) , make every decision, do everything physically on your own and make everything 'work' with no support from a partner. It's 100% the whole time. So by the time that break comes I am exhausted.

So In your situation- there is no way I would be saying that to you. I hear you.

Literally just joined MN to post a response. I totally understand how you feel. I’m a single mum and I need some time to myself but always feel guilty for feeling this way. It’s important to have time to yourself, especially as a single mum as you have no support from a partner day to day.

What is the background to your break up? I ask because maybe that is influencing what people are saying.
I am a lone parent and I don't think a single person has told me how lucky I am to be with my son every moment.
If anything it's the other way round, people will acknowledge it's hard to be "on duty" all the time.

Is it a case that your ex is such a shit person that those people are trying to make you feel better that he’s not around?

OP, please ignore these people.
All children are different.
All adults are different.

These people may be saying this as they actually dont know what its like to have your child for all of their spare time. They probably dont know what its like to have their own kids all their own kids spare time. (And if they do, they need to have a word with the father)

They may have a quiet, content child that just sits colouring in a corner, your child may be full on (our DS doesn't stop).

It baffles me how people give such sweeping advice, everyone is different as is their circumstances. So its never one size fits all.

I love being with my DS, i love the school holidays when we are off together again, but my DH also loves spending time with him, so he will take him off to do stuff. So its not just me.

Please dont let anyone make you feel rubbish, you are there doing it. So be kind to yourself. Can you find places to go where your DC can be off doing something, beavers, rainbows, dance class, footy class maybe ? Give her other things to focus on.