Getting rid of a dummy – at five :(

[peachgreen]

DD is five and still has a dummy at night. I KNOW. I know this is terrible. In my defence, her dad/my lovely DH died suddenly just as we were starting the process of getting rid of it when she was 2, and honestly I couldn't face it for while after that, not least because it was her comfort when she was missing her Daddy and I felt she'd lost enough already.

Thankfully her bite hasn't been affected yet (the dentist said that because it's a 0-6 month orthodontic dummy it's so small it hasn't really made any difference!) but she's got her first wobbly tooth AND she's starting to think about having sleepovers (with me there obviously) so it really is time.

She is DEVASTATED at the idea. She says she can't sleep without her dummy, she would rather have it forever and never go on any sleepovers, she's terrified of needing braces but more terrified of not having her dummy. Since we started talking about it seriously she has sobbed about it every night at bedtime and has even started wetting the bed during the night on occasion, something she's never done before. She is a lovely, obedient, well-behaved kid who loves nothing more than to please me, but she cannot contemplate doing this. All the reward charts and bribes and praise in the world have not helped. She is genuinely frightened about it and I don't know what to do for the best.

I know this situation is 100% my fault and I should never have let it go on this long. I'm thoroughly ashamed and I feel awful about it, so please please don't berate me too much, I have already hurled every insult that you could possibly imagine at myself. But we are where we are. Does anyone have any advice, ideally if you've been there yourself?

Please stop beating yourself up. You've met your child's needs through loss and the trauma of that. I can understand that reward charts etc won't work in this circumstances. If it's not doing much harm currently I'd lessen the panic. It's good she's started to be aware of her need for it but I'd go completely child led on this. Maybe chat to her about the small times where she can possibly manage without it or replace for a short period with another comfort item eg for downtime with TV etc. I would praise when she's thought about something and made a choice that's good for her. It seems like she knows the tummy is not great but if it's causing more trauma currently I'd say leave it just now and continue to prioritise her emotional wellbeing like you have been. You sond like you're doing amazing in very difficult circumstances.

Stop beating yourself up!

Let her keep it, and let her go on sleepovers. Peer pressure / embarrassment will probably make her give it up in the end.

Thank you so much both for being so kind! It has been a long hard road and in general I am proud of how I've got DD through it but this does feel like a single point of failure. Thankfully she doesn't have it any other time, only at bedtime and during the night, but I am concerned that as her adult teeth come through, they could be effected. It's so hard to know!

In every other milestone it's always been better to follow her lead (potty training etc) and I have been tempted to do the same with this. But so many people have commented on it, I feel awful about it.

To add, I've not been in this specific situation but have a child that has needs beyond that of a typical child of her age. It's really difficult to let go of where you think they should be and meet them where they're at but it seems like that's what you've been doing. I understand the worry about teeth. I think in retrospect I should have left my child with dummy and bottle for longer than I did. But she was compliant at tge time and I thought it was a good thing. Her needs came out in different ways over the years.
I just wanted to stress to go with your gut. She will get there and you'll both work it out together.

Thank you so much. Sometimes I think I don't give her enough allowances for being a bereaved child. Maybe this is one of those circumstances where I need to.

10000% do not worry about this. She’ll give it up in her own time but it’s obviously giving her a lot of comfort. You’ve both been through an extremely difficult time so be kind to yourself. Xx

I agree with the pp’s - it will go eventually, and it really doesn’t matter that much in the long run. It helps her to feel safe, so leave it and stop both of you worrying about it.

Dd1 had a dummy until 4 at bedtime. She liked to hold a little collection in her hands too! We explained she was too old, that it would make her teeth wonky and hurt (slight lie). We encouraged her to hold her favourite toy and every morning for a week she had a little collectible toy when she woke up then at the end of the week she chose a small reward at a toyshop. She made little sucking motions in her sleep for a very long time after! But was very proud of herself and it never stopped her getting to sleep after.

Imo any sleepover she will be having will be with friends whose parents you know and trust. No one should be making fun of her and if they do id speak to parents. They know what she's been through so should be supportive. If not they can fuck right off.

I didn't take away DDs dummy til she was 5, and that's just because I was being a soft arse and felt mean because she was also horrified by the idea - we weren't going through any of the stuff you've had to deal with! Stop giving yourself a hard time xx

I eventually managed to get rid of it by saying the dummy fairy needed it to give to newborn little babies to make them happy and cosy like it makes her feel (she was obsessed with babies at the time). Had 2 rough nights but it was plain sailing after that. Go at yours and DDs own pace, if her teeth are fine then there's no big rush. Best of luck!

But also, dds teeth and speech are fine. I also bf dd2 until over four as there had been a difficult couple of years and she really got a lot of comfort from it. There was no 'need' and it was longer than I really wanted to but at bedtime it helped her. So I never felt bad about it. Sometimes the routine and comfort is the most important thing, even if it does go against the norm.

God you lot are so lovely. Thank you. MN gets a bad rep but every time I've posted in desperation I've had so many thoughtful and kind replies. Thank you so much.

Stop blaming yourself, please. She’s only five. We did the dummy fairy and it worked really well. You can buy a book online,
get excited talking about it and reading it and set a date. She can write a letter asking for what she wants as a gift. Then one day it’ll happen. My son’s autistic so may be different but the prep for it was really important (cold turkey wouldn’t have worked for us). We factored in there may be lots of extra cuddles and longer bedtime prep needed. It actually went really well.

Go easy on yourselves. Personally I don’t think a dummy is the worst thing in the world. I’m so sorry for your loss.

If your single point of failure is a 0-6m orthodontic dummy then I think you're doing pretty well ❤️

OP I remember you from threads around the time your DH passed- I’m from the same part of the U.K., so remembered your story.

You have done an amazing job as a mum in circumstances most of us could never imagine.

Ignore the comments for now and keep doing what you’re doing.

Mine was 3 and a half btw and we only really stopped as he was starting to get teeth/speech issues (hadn’t before!) I was honestly so anxious about it because it was his main comfort, but then I realised he had other comforts too which I hadn’t really thought about (like what he uses for stimming). Love and affection will help get her there.

Oh and his teeth went back to normal really quickly!

Use a countdown chart, get the book and help her find a new teddy or blanket to replace it.

I am so, so sorry for your, and her, loss.

I've just gone through the stage of taking away my daughter's dummy, although without having gone through what you have. It's so hard even for a child without your DD's traumatic experience. Definitely cut yourself some slack and do not hurl insults at yourself, ever!

I'd leave it for a bit and shower her with love. Then could you perhaps add another step in the phasing it out thing - so tell her that she can have it when she's falling asleep, but then when she's asleep Mummy will come and just gently move it from her mouth to her bedside table (or wherever). So she can still see it, and if she really needs to reach for it in the night she can. She might wake up at first when you remove it, but you can just say shh it's only me etc. If she gets used to that, then at least it helps her sleep but it's not in her mouth all night?

Good luck 💐

I'm really sorry for you loss OP💞

Have you thought of maybe slowly introducing your DD to another comfort item at night? like a small squidgy stress toy, a fidget toy, a nicely scented soft toy or a special blanket or something....then you maybe talk to DD about working towards nights without the dummy and having one of the other comfort items instead

Bless you, you are doing amazing. I had a dummy until I was five and experienced zero trauma in my life at that point!

Relax, she'll lose it on her own when she's ready. X

Thank you all so much, you honestly have me in tears. @FirstFallopians that means a lot, thank you. I’m so happy I stayed here after DH’s death, I’ve been propped up so well by my village community. @takealettermsjones I think this is a great idea! And even if it doesn’t lead to her actually giving it up altogether it’s reducing the amount it’s in her mouth. I’ll definitely give this a go. @LittleOrangePip That’s a lovely thing to say, thank you. DD may disagree when she’s in therapy as an adult, haha, but hopefully for now everything else is good.

Could you try the usual techniques like cutting th tiniest bit off the end of the dummy so it doesn’t “feel” the same to DD or asking her if she would like to send her dummy back to the dummy fairy to give to a new baby who doesn’t have one? If she does this she could get a big reward like a new toy or something. Not always the easiest option but might work.

sounds like your doing a great job so be kind to yourself. 💜

I'd leave off the pressure on her. None of this is her fault and it's her comfort item.

But, I'd tell her that you're not buying any more for her so this one is it.

Then in a week, take a tiny needle and pop it. It's usually the sucking they like. Then in another week, do it again with a slightly bigger needle

It might be a way for her to naturally move away. I'd also go buy her a new cuddly toy. Don't mention the reason but it might help her transition

This. With bells on!!! 💪💪💪💪💪

Doctors and paediatricians often recommend stopping dummy use at a certain age, often between 2-4 years of age. It is important to discuss this with your child's doctor or paediatrician to get recommendations that are appropriate for your child's individual needs and your parental preferences.