Slight ASD or ADHD or bad parenting? Or over diagnosis?

[Mumof3onetwothree]

My 5 year olds pre school teacher suggested that he might be slightly on the spectrum. He's now in primary school and the class teacher (experienced) doesn't see any problems.I applied for a public assessment and based on pre school report and my form the HSE (Irish public health) said nothing was indicating a disability so they won't assess.
I had a screening call with a very new private clinic ....they said he needs a full (very expensive ) assessment. More established private clinics have no availability.
I did speak to a GP, public OT and public paediatric physio ....both emphatically said they think he's fine and there's massive over diagnosis going on. The physio said one of her children would have met lots of the current criteria for ASD and was captain of the junior cup rugby team and got into medicine.
I took him to a private OT as it was much cheaper than an ASD assessment she said dyspraxia, got me really stressed out and then when her results came back he didn't come anywhere near meeting the criteria and she said he was too young to be assessed and wouldn't meet the criteria when old enough because he would mature more.
It's hard not to be cynical when these private assessments cost so much!

He has the following characteristics
Likes to be in charge of his own games
Plays better one on one
Plays independently with car, jigsaws construction toys etc for a long time
Very bright academically
Often has wee accidents and was late potty training (age 3.5) ...doesn't like stopping his game to go to the toilet
Often acts as though he's not listening (but often actually is)
Has meltdowns after school, or when hungry or sick
Can be a bit aggressive (but I only had sisters so I'm not sure if this is just normal boy behaviour)
Copes very badly with lack of sleep
Drooled for a long time...only stopped recently
Very strong willed
Was slightly speech delayed

I am wondering how children with these characteristics turn out as adults. I find the after school restraint collapse really hard.
Or am I just parenting wrong. I am a gentle person and it has taken me a long time to have firm boundaries and I don't know really understand what normal boy play is like having been surrounded by girls growing up. He also was quite isolated during the pandemic with only his older sister to play with for a long time.

A psychologist friend who used to do private ASD assessments (but lives far away and doesn't know him) said he might be gifted but if I take him for ASD assessment he could get misdiagnosed as autistic.

It is so so confusing and I am cynical at the best of times about private clinics trying to make money out of people willing to pay.

Thank you!

Another option would be to look for a stand alone Qb test for ADHD. The results are not diagnostic without full assessment, but it would give you an objective report that you could use to decide if you want that assessment for your child.

I would say massively over diagnosed in boys and very much under diagnosed in girls. I've got daughter who has far more life affecting traits struggles, and sensory issues and can't get a diagnosis unless I fo private and even then it's still not said she will meet the criteria1. Yet boys of 4 are diagonsed on half of the traits. Yet, at that age it is pretty typical behaviour.

I’d take information from teaching staff with a pinch of salt. A friend, who’s been a primary school teacher for 12 years, is finally realising she’s autistic and her son is on the pathway to be assessed. The advice she’d give to parents about who she thought was autistic has completely changed since having a son.

There are plenty of autistic individuals in careers that require high level people skills. This is why there’s the neurodiversity movement has been created. Neurodiversity describes the idea that people experience and interact with the world around them in many different ways; there is no one "right" way of thinking, learning, and behaving, and differences are not viewed as deficits.

The manual used to diagnose autism as a mental disorder was used to diagnose homosexuality as a mental illness into the 1970s. My experience, as an autism specialist and an autistic, has taught me that most people diagnosed post 1990 do not have a disability.