Sex talk - what age?

[Mumtum88]

I’m mum to 2 girls. Eldest is 9, turning 10 in a few months…
The subject of sex came up about a year ago and I just rightly or wrongly said when she was old enough we’d talk about it.
I know there touching on puberty now in school and she’s said there’s been a few people shouting 69 etc out when they have the lessons. I’ve just been looking on her phone and it would seem she’s been trying to google sex, 69 etc but we have parental controls on so I doubt she’ll of seen anything she shouldn’t. I want to have the relationship where she comes to me over google but is 9 to young?

No 9 is not too young, if it’s discussed in a age appropriate way.

There are lots of books or online resources for different ages so perhaps look there. In my opinion the more you say wait until you are older the more the curiosity builds and then it becomes a bigger deal than needed.

personally I’d start with a conversation around puberty (what it is, what changes will happen), that leads to periods (which some of her friends or her might experience soon) and then onto reproduction. Doesn’t need to happen all in one huge chat but just little bits every now and then.

Id also say “I can see you were googling some things, I know you’re growing up and have questions so let’s chat about those and anything I can’t answer, I’ll find out the answer for you” (gives you stalling time if you don’t know how to answer in an age appropriate way)

No! Too old if anything. You really should have talked to her when she asked you last year. Now she's googling - and I can guarantee that whatever parental controls you have installed they won't be sufficient so she will now have seen some rather unsavoury content. You will need to talk to her about what she has/will come across online.

Tbh.. I think 9 is too old to have waited to tell your daughter about sex.

She should at this stage have a full understanding of puberty and periods and should know how babies are made. Also that although sex is for making babies, grown ups also do it for fun. She should know that it’s for consenting adults only. As for 69..no - those type of details are obvs too graphic. If she asks, I would just have said it’s to do with sex but not something she needs to know about now.
I think if you want an open relationship with her you should just say “I saw you had googled sex on your phone. That’s not a good idea. If you want to know anything. ask me first. So what do you want to know?”

I think it’a best done over time. Basically whenever my children have asked about It, whatever their age, I’ve answered them truthfully and age appropriately. Over time, the full picture develops.

It should just be part of conversation from when they're tiny. It should evolve, not be a big deal. At nearly 10 she might well have already picked up some misinformation from
school so maybe start with asking her to tell you what she knows. Also-buy a couple of age appropriate books for her- I don't know what the good ones are these days (it's 15 years since I did this!)

9 is way too old!

I started to tell mine about sex and reproduction at 3.

I'd say by 9 you should have had the talk years ago.

My parents told me when I was 4 and that was back in the 70s.

Sooner you do it the better as it's then factual. At 9 she could be starting her periods any minute or have been told a load of myths by a school friend.

You need to get on with it.

I've been telling DS about periods and sex (the biological baby making bit) since he noticed babies and boys and girls at 2. And sea monkeys swimming together...

On the other hand, I've been wondering if this was too much. So you're not alone wondering the best age

Usborne 'what's happening to me' books were great. I would sit with my son whilst he was reading it and chat with him and answer questions . We had talked about things before this but it was a great book to go though. He was young enough that it was just funny and actually really nice experience, no embarrassment. He was incredulous at some of it but not embarrassed. He was probably 7ish
When we read this book. Still think it would be a good start at 9. It was nice to have something to use as a reference and to guide the conversation. 9 is definitely not too young. We did look at other books that had more detail about birth control etc but felt they were a bit much to start with. There are boys and girls versions of the book. It was genuinely a nice experience and not the cringy embarrassment fest that it might have been of he was much older.

I think talking about things like periods can start really young, especially for girls. Disney even have some films about periods! There's an episode of Baymax the series which talks about periods. Also The Ghost and Molly Magee and also Turning Red. I also think very young ones can know what periods are and how babies are made (in a really basic way...we talked about seeds and eggs etc at about 4 or 5).

That said, I do think it's more nuanced than "oh dear me, 9 is FAR too old".

69s etc aren't something a 9 year old really needs to know about for example.

An acquaintance of mine is going through something with her 10yo who knows what sex is and thinks it sounds totally gross! My friend is all worried as thinks he needs to know it's all very lovely, but I honestly think she needs to back off. It maybe does sound pretty gross to a 10yo and that's not necessarily a problem imo.

So I do think it's about balance. I'd stop short of insisting sex is amazing or discussing 69s

I’ve always just answered my children’s questions in an age appropriate way, as and when they asked. My eldest started asking about where babies came from at about 5 and I said that the Daddy gives the Mummy a seed and it helps a baby to grow in her tummy. As she got older she asked more questions and I answered them factually and in an age appropriate way. She has never been embarrassed about it.
As as child no-one spoke to me about it at all and my parents gave me the “when your older” line. We didn’t have google back then! When we finally started to learn about it in school I was just so embarrassed and mortified about it all. I’ve found that if you just talk about it casually and encourage them to ask any questions as and when they have them……… it just isn’t really a big deal. If I were you I would wait until the next time she asks you a question and slowly take it from there. Or get her a book about puberty to read together and encourage questions.

This. 9 is really late! I just discussed it with my DS when it came up. He was either preschool or early infants. Not sure why you felt the need to delay when asked. It's not shameful.

I knew before I started school as my mum gave me a fab book!

A lot of girls start their periods in Yr5 and Yr6. I thought they taught it in school earlier than that and early than age 9.

thanks for all the responses, I don’t know why but it’s just not really something we’ve touched on yet. It probably because in my head it’s so far away but I suppose at nearly 10 it’s not! We’ve talked about periods etc but I’ll definitely sit down with her when she’s home from school.

I'm 36 and I'm still waiting for my parents to have "the talk". Considering the presence of my 3 yo it might be a bit awkward now.

We aren't talking about sex but we do talk about bodies with my 3 and find opportunities to bring it into conversation in an age appropriate way. She knows for example that I wear a bra over my breasts and I used to use them to feed her. She knows that mummy some times has "red wee" and wears a nappy (cloth csp but they look quite like her old cloth nappies)

I think taking opportunities as they come and answer questions in an honest and age appropriate way. If you put it off they will just learn the information elsewhere and it may or may not be correct and it might not be with a narrative you would chose.

@Mumtum88 Make her a "period kit" to keep in her bag too. Some pads, some wipes and some new knickers, preferably black. Make sure she knows it's OK to throw away the ones she's wearing if she starts when she's away from home. Show her how to use the pads. Maybe a little spray can of something that smells nice in case she's a bit freaked out and she'll find it reassuring. Remember to tell her where to spray it, though!

I like that idea. It’s cute ☺️

These things sneak up on you. Don't feel bad. Your DC was in nappies 5 minutes ago and now puberty is somewhere on the horizon.

This. I talked to my daughter about periods when she was 3 or 4 and asked what tampons were for. She would forget and ask again until it was just something she'd grown up always knowing . Then when was about 6 (1980s) she read the AIDS leaflet that came through the door so I explained that as simply as I could.

Don't wait for 'the talk' just answer questions as they arise and keep the dialogue open. Waiting until puberty makes the whole thing very embarrassing for all parties. Too late for the OP I realise.

Surely 3 is far too young?

It's the age all my children started to ask.

I think 9 is far too old. Especially when questions have been asked. Why would you not just answer?

Not if you are just answering their questions. No need to go into too much detail.

You should've discussed sex (like how you would in biology eg reproduction) when you told her about periods and puberty. However, a poster said they told their child aged 3 but I think that's really early. A toddler or just above a toddler doesn't need to know about how sex is performed.

I'm not sure the physical act of sex is what they were talking about. More like body parts and 'where babies come from'. Answering questions honestly as they arise.

Learning about sex isn't restricted to the physical act and I don't think any one is discussing the logistics with a 3 yo but they might be laying a bread crumb trail for the conversation to expand and evolve from talking about body parts and babies in mummy's tummy's in an age appropriate way at 3 to understand that babies are made from eggs and sperm as well as more details about body parts at 8 or 9 to talking about sex, masterbation and keep yourself safe physically and emotionally as you venture into relationship around 12 and 13. It shouldn't be a single conversation but a continued dialogue. If I a child can come to you with a question they are more likely to come to you with a problem too