Pollyanna politics

[Tandem]

Hi I'm new to Mumsnet - was wondering if anyone can help with a dilemma - worried have cocked things up. I don't believe in getting involved in playground problems as they tend to disappear, but lately my usually happy and relaxed 9-yr-old has been coming home upset by one of her friends who is ignoring her and has taken to marching up to her in the playground with another girl and staring, saying nothing and marching off again.
My dd says this friend is only interested in playing her own games, by her own rules (ponies and fairies and such which my dd finds a bit young and dull) but gets stroppy if dd wants to play with anyone else. And as soon as an adult appears this girl morphs into Pollyanna, as good as can be. Its been going on for weeks.
I know and like the mother and initially said nothing, but yesterday we talked about it quietly at the gates. This morning having quizzed her dd on it she believes her child was genuinely baffled and couldn't think of anything she had done wrong.
Now what to do? Should I have stayed out of it?
ps Its my dd's birthday soon and Pollyanna and her silent sidekick are invited because my dd didn't want to make things worse...

"genuinely baffled"??? Oooh, I don't think so...I think she morphed into Pollyanna again for her mum's benefit.

Even at 9 (in fact even at younger ages) girls can be incredibly manipulative amd devious and know exactly how to pat their mothers down.

Or wind them up - eg my DD1 was friends with a girl who was a) adopted and b) severely overweight; whenever she fell out with friends about anything, she would tell her mother that the others had been horrible to her about both things and the mother would be straight up to the school demanding that they all be disciplined (and they were )

Not sure how you can deal with it though, Tandem - if your DD is outgrowing this friend anyway, maybe she should concentrate on finding a new friend with interests more like her own?

Yes, girls can be adept at flexing the manipulative muscles..I worry that my dd is so straghtforward and maybe a bit naive she is floored by the devious stuff. How do you equip them to deal with it? She's got a little brother age 4 to try flexing her own powerplay muscles on and she has never done it to him - she's the gentle type, if anything he gets the upper hand.

I've been encouraging her to find new friends, and she has, but it means unfortunately she's snubbed by Pollyanna. Perhaps that's the price to pay.

I would simply tell her to ignore Pollyanna completely, since Pollyanna is quite obviously not a very nice person, to 'rise above it' and to find other friends.....

Not dissimilar to what you have been doing

I would simply tell her to ignore Pollyanna completely, since Pollyanna is quite obviously not a very nice person, to 'rise above it' and to find other friends.....

Not dissimilar to what you have been doing

And I would tell her twice

Twice is great

But what to do about the birthday party...its at our house, Pollyanna and silent sidekick are invited, how do I ensure they don't spoil it?

The party - well usually the party goers are too busy with various party activities to engage in this sort of behaviour? hopefully?

Not a great deal you can do except keep a close eye on the situation

Can you ask Pollyanna's mum to 'give you a hand' at the party? The she will either witness her daughter's behaviour at first hand, or her daughter won't do it?

I know your dd is upset but I cannot see what this girl is doing that is so wrong

if she wasnts to play boring dull games then perhaps its time to encourage your dd to fnid antoher friend who shares her interests

as for the party, there isn't much you can do I am afraid

For The Honenid - perhaps I wasn't very descriptive about the upsetting stuff, ...silent treatment, turning their backs on her, ignoring her efforts to join in with them and play, switching to games that she doesn't know as soon as she approaches them, and the lastest trick which is to walk up to her in the playground, stand in front of her, silent, staring, and then walk away again. All her efforts at asking them what they are doing is met with the reply: nothing, we didnt see you. Trivial to some maybe, but as I understand it the definition of bullying - I hate to even use that word - is that it's the child's perception of the behaviour that's important. And she's been unhappy for weeks. In six years of being at school, this is the first time she's ever had this kind of problem. But you are right - time for a new friend...as long as this one can leave it alone.

Todays update. This morning at school gate. Pollyanna's Mum says she's quizzed child again overnight and child denies all knowledge of any nasty behaviours towards my dd. Self righteous note from mother now loud and clear. Her child just wouldn't lie. My response is that, with respect, mine wouldn't either. Meanwhile at end of day my dd reports that Pollyanna was nice as can be and chose to play all day with her. And dd was happy to make up, not being one to hold grudges, even though they haven't discussed any of the former problem between them. I'm left cross and flustered by self righteous Pollyanna mum. Truth will out they say...but it doesn't does it - and I'm left looking like a neurotic prat? So again is it worth getting involved with 9yr old playground problems? Or should we just leave them to it?

www.amazon.co.uk/Bullies-Bigmouths-So-called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=bo oks&qid=1204891114&sr=1-1
This is a good book as recommended by other mners too. We have it a t the school where i teach. Very useful.

So where was the silent one today?

Anyway, yes, leave them to it as far as you can; and if this rears its head again, tell your DD that some people just like winding other people up and enjoy a negative reaction; so if Pollyanna plays her games again, DD should just laugh at her and go and find someone sensible to play with.

Good luck

Thanks, that's really helpful, I've ordered the book. Will play a watching game from now on...but I don't regret wading in really, we'd all do it. My biggest lesson from this has been to beware the Pollyannas, and perhaps their Mums too.
x

Oh and the silent one is home ill. Divide and solve maybe...