Shyness or more?

[Alloveragain3]

DS aged 4 has always been very shy, especially in new places and when there are lots of kids about.
He takes a while to warm up and prefers to play with one or two kids rather than a big group.

At toddler groups he'd always be the one not participating and hanging on to my coat. Even at birthday parties now, he's really not comfortable and asks to go home.

When we try activities outside the home like rugby or swimming, he's excited until he gets there and then goes into his shell and doesn't want to participate. With lots of effort from the teacher, he may join in a bit and enjoys himself when he does.

He started nursery 18 months ago and took a long time to settle; screaming when left, not joining in. Even now, he won't, for example, sing along with the others or join in with activities like chasing or football. However, he's happy to do tasks by himself or to play with the children he gets along with.

We've never had any other concerns; he met all of his milestones on time, is very social with people he knows, is kind and clever and generally a happy and fun little guy.

He plays really well with his cousins and on play dates.

He really struggles, however, with being shy and joining in.

Today his nursery teacher told me she's concerned about him and the future transition to school and wants a meeting. I think it's good she's being pro active but I'm now freaking out that we've missed something big and haven't been helping DS out as much as we could.

Does anyone have a similar child who can offer insight? Or perhaps some tips Re helping him with the move to school that's coming up?

You could be writing about my child. No advice but following as I've been wondering whether this is a 'phase' and will change as they get older or this is just who they are.

Thanks for replying @Myshychild and I'm sorry you have the same issue, it can be draining.

I just want to see DS letting go of his worries and enjoying himself with his peers.

Me and DH are naturally quiet so perhaps it's genetic in part.

Hopefully we get some good advice on here!

Hopefully bump

My DS is 3 1/2 and similar so I can't really help I'm afraid. He starts school in September as he'll be 4 in the spring and I do really worry about how he'll cope.

He started nursery at 10 months and each room change has been a challenge. He is fine once he's settled and had a good bond with the workers in the room, but struggles with other staff members he doesn't know. One day last week all the normal staff in his room were on training and he had someone from another room in who is very loud and he's not too keen on her, so he refused to let her take him to the toilet all day, resulting in a lot of accidents.

He does have little friends at nursery but it tends to be the calmer children, there's a lot of children who he tells me he doesn't like and I think it's the loud ones. Joining in with activities is pretty hit and miss - if he likes something he really gets into it but if something is outside his comfort zone he won't be tempted to join in. They did a nativity before Christmas and he just stood there the whole time not joining in any singing or dancing!

Like you say he is fine once he knows people, and in a quiet 1:1 situation can get comfortable with people very quickly but if it's busy and loud with lots of people it will take him longer. Normally if someone who he isn't comfortable with talks to him he hides his face!

I really don't think it's anything to do with parenting or anything you could have done differently - my older daughter is the complete opposite, just who she is.

My DS is also shy. I understand it completely because I was exactly the same when I was a child. I was really hoping he’d have DH’s outgoing personality instead!

I don’t know what you can do about it really, I think it’s just one of those things you have to grow out of.

He sounds exactly like my daughter. She started reception in September and is completely fine though so I don’t think you need to worry. She still just plays with a couple of special friends and will barely look at the teacher but they say she is getting chattier and more confident and don’t seem concerned. Because she is such a loud mouth at home and with people she knows I was never too worried about it! 🤣

I haven't got experience from a child point of view because my 2 year old is the opposite. But apparently I was very shy as a child and even at children's parties used to sit on the side and not join in. My mum said she took me to a bouncy castle party once and I didn't even go on and I sat at the side instead drinking milky tea with the adults. I also hated pre school and can actually remember hating it too. I just wanted to be with my mum all the time. Also had issues transitioning to reception and clung to my mums legs for weeks on end. Is he more confident if he is with you ?
It doesn't sound concerning to me at all, it just sounds like his personality and he's only 4 and that confidence to join in can take years to come.
I've turned out ok with no mega issues and have a job etc. I still hate things in big groups and feel shy speaking in front of a lot of people - eg a big work meeting.

My son was incredibly shy when younger. To the point where I thought he had selective mutism (he doesn't). The nursery worked on his confidence slowly and kindly. They were fantastic. I was very worried about him going to school because he is also an August baby so very young. I am pleased to report I am so so glad I sent him. School has been the making of his confidence levels. Don't get me wrong he certainly isn't a kid who likes being the centre of attention but he is vastly different to the 2/3 year old I had back then. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it may take him a little while but hopefully he will improve over time :)

I can't tell you all how reassuring these posts are!

My little one is very loud and confident at home or when on play dates with a child he knows well, he just clams up in groups and with new people, bless him.

We had a good day today as he didn't cry at drop off at nursery. He told me later it's because DH dropped him off and he would have cried if it was me as he wants to stay home with me! Definitely a mummy's boy.

It's reassuring to read of your shy children who are doing well at school and I so hope he follows suit. He's very bright but I know he won't answer questions or put up his hand, so may get over looked.

We've chosen a smaller village school for Sept and I'm just hoping he clicks with the teacher as he does great with the nursery staff he likes (of 8 teachers, he's chatty with 3 of them and won't talk at all to the others).

We also considered selective mutism as he wouldn't talk at all for the 1st 6 weeks of nursery. He's come so far since then but is still painfully shy. Nursery Photos today showed all of the kids playing a game and him sitting on the edge :(

I tried a "teacher student" game this evening, and asked silly questions (like Name an orange vegetable) and he thought it was brilliant putting his hand up to answer. I just know he's itching to join in at nursery and wish I could do more to help.

@FunkyFangtooth

Yes! DS has never done a poo at nursery and always holds it until home time. Thankfully he's been OK with pees so far.

He also didn't do his nativity play last month. He sat beside me in the audience and wouldn't budge, even with several of his favourite teachers trying to coerce him on stage.
He's 4 and even the 2 year olds all joined in, so it did concern me a bit.

He sounds very much like my son who is autistic. Was missed until year 1 as he is academic and likes to blend in. Not saying this is the case with your son (there were other things that I noticed too when he was younger) but it’s worth keeping an eye. My boy surprised me with the transition to school and did really well but then his traits became much more pronounced as he got older xx

My son was (and is still the same) with toilets and nativities etc. He used to hold his urine for so long! X

Perhaps he's an introvert?

@Luckymummytoone Thanks. I haven't seen any other signs of him being ND. I've been looking up shyness vs ND and I think it's more shyness with DS. But it's definitely something I'm monitoring closely, in case more signs develop and he perhaps he does need some more specialist help/ attention when in school.

Introvert? Yes, I'd say so, much like his dad and me. However, he's a noisy (sometimes annoying!)little character at home and I wish nursery got to see some of that cheekiness / vibrancy.

DD was similar. Nursery said she was the hardest baby they ever had to settle, it was horrendous. She was anti-social throughout her preschool years, only liked one to one play dates with kids she knew, hated birthday parties, would not go anywhere without me even for a minute. I was really worried but kept on trying.

DD’s confidence soared last summer and she started reception in September a different child. At parents evening her teacher described her as extremely popular and kind to all. She’s having a birthday this weekend for 30 kids, she’s never wanted even a tiny one before. She loves school and that makes me happy.

@problembottom That's lovely!
Was it just time that she needed or did you do anything specific to help her?

Also, good luck with the party, you're a braver woman than me.

I think she just really grew up and it all seemed to click into place without me doing anything differently. I remind myself to be grateful for every little step she makes, like when she has a great time at a party and I get to chat to other mums. Unthinkable less than a year ago.

And thanks re: the party eek!

It’s definitely nothing you have or haven’t done OP, nor something you’ve missed, please don’t give yourself a hard time. I have 2 DC and it’s incredible how different they can be in different settings, the fact that he’s loud and confident with you at home shows he’s really well attached and happy to be himself.

He sounds slightly similar to my youngest DS who’s also 4 but now in reception, although there are some differences as mine quite likes to sing along in shows and things, and gets involved in group games with guidance from teachers. He was more similar to your DS in that sense when he was younger, maybe 2-3, and seemed to come along quite a lot in the year he was 3.5 - 4.5. He is still shy on lots of occasions though.

I do suspect my DS might be autistic, or ND in some way. Sometimes these things don’t come to us until they’re with a group of peers all the time and seen regularly by professionals who’re used to seeing all different kinds of children day in day out. Have the meeting with the teacher and see what she says, and keep an eye on how he goes over the next 6 months and into reception.

Just a wee update.

I met with DS's teacher today and she's suggested perhaps selective mutism so we're going to try some strategies for this.

She feels there are no neurodivergent traits and her main worry is that he could fly under the radar when he starts school so we need to work on building confidence.

I have recently had a similar chat with DS teacher, and that she may think that he could potentially have some additional needs. He is very bright and sociable at home, but apparently at nursery he doesn’t really play with anyone. He is very vocal when he wants to be, and often corrects other children/teachers when they are wrong 🙈 but his teacher was concerned that when he starts reception he will struggle to socialise and get overwhelmed. Having taught SEN children before, I have always kept an eye on any behaviour that would be considered unusual. I don’t think there are major red flags, but there is still something niggling in the back of my head.
Just wondered if anyone has been through the process of assessment and what it entails? Don’t want to make him feel uncomfortable being tested but also don’t want to miss something if it could get worse as he gets older

@ReadyToRoll321 bless your DS! He sounds very sweet.

There’s no “test”, it’s all questionnaires for you and his nursery or school to complete. Further down the line he may have an ADOS test but it’s all presented as games, fun things, not much different to the HV checks he will have had. I don’t think he’ll feel like he’s being tested and better to start earlier so it becomes the norm.